PTSD workbook writing assignment 1 of 4

The assignment: Write about your trauma for 20min a day nonstop for 4 days.
 
Writing down the first sentence is always so hard, so I will start out like this. Easy, calm statements that mean nothing. However, I do know that i need to actually get into what happened. Ive been able to talk about the facts of what happened to me, but as my therapist pointed out, I have not really ever talked about the emotions of what happened. I dont really know how to get into those. I know that at first I was very scared. I was lost, and he was basically threatening my life with pigs. I mean I know better now, but I was 6 then. I suppose in order for me to really talk about my emotions, I have to first let go of my adult since of logic, my lack of forgiveness for myself, and just try to be honest. I will try. I am not certain how successful I will be, for I have used the ability to emotionally distance myself from everything for so long it will be hard to let go of that.
Like i had said, I was scared. I was 6. The pigs were very large, and abrubt in their movements. Everything they did seemed to support his claim that without his protection, they would eat me. I just wanted to go home. I was so confused. He seemed like a nice person. He was older (17), and yet he would hang out with me. I've had people teas me before, so I just thought that eventually he would get tired of this and we would go home. I just wanted to trust. I was also scared. I know I keep saying that, but it all I knew at the time. I was on the verge of panic. When he told me I had to swim in the pig pond, I thought that would be it. Go for a swim, and leave. The pond was gross. full of slime, poo and pee. But if i swam in it he would protect me, and take me home. It was humiliating. I HATE the feeling of being controlled!!!! Even now, when i suspect somebody of manipulating me... my brain shuts down, and I become very stubborn. I refuse to do anything, even if it really is to my benefit. I HATE being controlled. I was being controlled. I did not know what else to do. I was so scared. I HATE being scared. I was lost. I HATE being lost. I could not think of anything to do but, swim in that damn pond. I did take my clothes off. I know i said that i would not get into self blame...... Ok, I will not. I was 6. I did not want my clothes to get that dirty. I did not mind going home wet, or full of dirt or mud. I did that everyday. I just could not come home full of pig poo. So I took of my clothes and i waded into the pond. My feet sinking into the "muck". The smell of it. I dog paddeled across because i did not want my head to go under. I tried to part the scum layer on top as i swam through, keeping my mouth as shut tight as I could. When I got to the other side he had my clothes, he was smiling. He said that we could get out of the pig pin now. It was over. It was done. I could go back home. At least that is what I thought. We got out of the pig pen, and he said there was one more thing I had to do before he would show me how to get home. He pulled down his pants, and told me I had to suck on it. I was so confused, scared lost. I did not understand why anyone would want someone to suck on that. It made no since. But he threatened to throw me back into the pig pen if I did not. I remember that i was crying at this point. I was just scared. I didnt know what else to do. So i did as i was told. Although i dont remember his face well enough to do a sketch of it, I do remember his expressions. He put his hand on my head. As odd as it sounds, that was one of the most humiliating parts of the whole thing. He put his hand on my head. All thought left me. i just followed instructions and continued. When it was done at first I thought that he had peed in my mouth. I spit it out, and saw what it looked like. I thought that maybe he had some kind of disease. I did not know what it was. It wasnt normal, it wasnt right. He laughed. I just wanted to go home. I wanted this to not have existed. I wanted everything to be as it was. I wanted to pretend like nothing happened.
Sad thing is, is that pretending like nothing bad is happening is how i typically deal with all bad things in my life now.
 
Its been 20 min now. I am gong to have to do my breathing exercises now. Hopefully I will be able to continue this tomorrow.