PTSD Logic
I have been working and discussing my central PTSD for the past couple of weeks with my TDoc. I have felt guilty and humiliated for years. I find myself trapped by guilt. The TDoc tries to convince of grace and inevitability of a situation. I can not fault her logic, but it is the emotional side of me that can not accept her reasoning. When I think about the events, I can not help but feel that same guilt and humiliation. How do I get to the point of feeling what is logical? I can not move forward without this step.
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I find that when my logic is blocked it's because somehow it's working for me in some unacknowledged way for me to keep from completing the follow through of thought to action, Thor. It's not that I cannot be logical but that I will not until that detail is attended to. I find that something needs my attention before I can move on. I guilt trip myself so I don't until I correct the math of my emotions.
A big example for me was when I clung to black and white thinking inherited from my parents' lifelong domestic feud in which they chose sides for me in their war that never had any benefit for me . In that equation it was always daddy bad, mommy good.
In therapy I actually had to work through the "mommy good" side of that equation to acknowledge as an adult it was "daddy untreated bipolar" and "mommy untreated borderline personality disorder." Then the guilt went away and I could see myself and those in my family system all as the mere mortals we are and not as mythological characters with transcendent powers locked in some epic struggle. Just folks doing their best under clinical conditions.
Mujica - I see the wisdom in what you say. There is something in the equation that has been introduced by the TDoc and that is that the situation was inevitable and that no action or inaction on your part would resolve the situation to my benefit. I think this is the calculus that I am missing but have yet to fully realize.
Huge hug for you Thor...… PTSD is a logical response to a horrific or devastating event or series of events.... It's a normal response to these things sweetie... It's because we're human and we have a conscience... We care
I am so sorry that you're struggling with guilt.... I do to and mine isn't reasonable at times either.... It sux….. xo
Thor keep fighting the good fight my man!
Thor, I learned that there is a huge difference between guilt and shame. Guilt comes from taking an action that I can then take an action to make right. Shame is about I did something and it is about me and cannot be made right. Example: one person gets a speeding ticket and knows they were speeding and does what is required to straighten it out, and can share it easily. Another person does the same, however they do not want anyone to know. In case one I did THAT, in the second Capital I did that. Takes work to reduce the shame and turn it into a fact. Don't know if that helps, Ernst Kurtz wrote on the only way out of shame is to share it. Be patient; you will get there. hugs.
I'm not sure I understand the difference between guilt and shame. For me, guilt is knowledge of the action that I took was wrong, and shame is the consequence of that action. But the situation is that even if I did not take that action, I would have been punished just the same. It was a bad situation, very political and very public, and anyone involved was punished.
The shame broke me. It is the shame that haunts me the most. The guilt, I can set aside as it has been years, and I have punished myself enough and the inevitability of the situation. I lost the most with shame.
I have flashbacks and nightmares often about this. It seems to lurk just beyond the point of sleep. I am also much more timid and easily startled by this event. I am unsure of myself and my facilities.
Being shamed in a public setting is indeed harder to deal with. The symptoms you describe are just part of the PTSD deal. You will improve over time as you are doing the work needed. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will complete this journey. Hugs.
I really like weighing my thoughts against these questions.
1. Enter a thought, belief or attitude that you hold about yourself (or you tell yourself)
2. Is it a true fact? Is what you are thinking or feeling verifiably true?
3. Does holding on to the thought or attitude serve your best interests? Does it make you happy, calm, peaceful and fulfilled?
4. Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health? Do your thoughts about yourself push you into situations that put your well-being at risk?
5. Does this attitude or belief get you more of what you want, need and deserve? Or is it leading you toward or keeping you in circumstances that you don't want?
I can usually see where I have to make changes in my thinking once I do this.
Hope it helps