Psychotherapy
I´ve started with psychotherapy in June 2014.
My therapist, who deals with children and teenagers, is a rather old man that I would describe as both laid back and serious, whatever of these emotions a certain topic we discuss requires. He is the type of person who is humorous by nature and quick at repartee. Basically, everything I´m not.
From our first appointment on, I created my very own atmosphere during each of our talks. Anxious, stressed and hopeless are some of the words that characterize my mood in such situations, and while I definately got a bit more...confident? Or less nervous? each time, it always leaves me utterly frustrated with myself.
There are a handful of reasons for that: My unability to put my feelings into words, avoding certain topics and talking about unimportant stuff instead, or things that are definately less important than mentioned certain topics, and generally feeling uncomfortable before, during and after a therapy session.
I´m bad at being completely honest, and I tend to laugh serious stuff off rather than dealing with them in the way they actually are: serious.
I remember appointments where I would sit in front of my therapist and say nothing. The silence would last for half an hour, and it was good. However, I would drive home and label this session as "wasted time" while I secretely hated myself for being quiet while I should have said something.
Normally, I start talkactive and get more and more silent in the course of a therapy session. A single stupid word, an awkward sentence of mine, or just the realization that I can´t speak out what I think, and I keep my mouth shut. I´m the type of person who believes that it´s better to say nothing instead of something that might sound unintelligent. This might sound unintelligent itself, but...it´s my mindset at the moment.
Frustration leads to feeling hopeless, which will lead to nothing at all.
My therapist is the only person I could tell everything without being afraid of being judged, yet I can´t be as honest as I wish I could be.
I want to look him straight in the eye and let a steady voice tell him all the things that keep me awake at night, that I think about in school, that I write about in this journey, and that I wrapped in a thick layer of self-injury and self-hate for such a long time.
Being honest isn´t as easy as it might sound. Sometimes, it is accompanied by consequences, both positive and negative.
I have experienced these consequences in the past and that´s one reason why it´s so hard for me to be honest again. Obviously, they were of a negative nature.
Of course, I can never be sure what exactly will happen, how my therapist will react and what he will do or not.
But still.
I´m frustrated, more than anything else.
My therapist, who deals with children and teenagers, is a rather old man that I would describe as both laid back and serious, whatever of these emotions a certain topic we discuss requires. He is the type of person who is humorous by nature and quick at repartee. Basically, everything I´m not.
From our first appointment on, I created my very own atmosphere during each of our talks. Anxious, stressed and hopeless are some of the words that characterize my mood in such situations, and while I definately got a bit more...confident? Or less nervous? each time, it always leaves me utterly frustrated with myself.
There are a handful of reasons for that: My unability to put my feelings into words, avoding certain topics and talking about unimportant stuff instead, or things that are definately less important than mentioned certain topics, and generally feeling uncomfortable before, during and after a therapy session.
I´m bad at being completely honest, and I tend to laugh serious stuff off rather than dealing with them in the way they actually are: serious.
I remember appointments where I would sit in front of my therapist and say nothing. The silence would last for half an hour, and it was good. However, I would drive home and label this session as "wasted time" while I secretely hated myself for being quiet while I should have said something.
Normally, I start talkactive and get more and more silent in the course of a therapy session. A single stupid word, an awkward sentence of mine, or just the realization that I can´t speak out what I think, and I keep my mouth shut. I´m the type of person who believes that it´s better to say nothing instead of something that might sound unintelligent. This might sound unintelligent itself, but...it´s my mindset at the moment.
Frustration leads to feeling hopeless, which will lead to nothing at all.
My therapist is the only person I could tell everything without being afraid of being judged, yet I can´t be as honest as I wish I could be.
I want to look him straight in the eye and let a steady voice tell him all the things that keep me awake at night, that I think about in school, that I write about in this journey, and that I wrapped in a thick layer of self-injury and self-hate for such a long time.
Being honest isn´t as easy as it might sound. Sometimes, it is accompanied by consequences, both positive and negative.
I have experienced these consequences in the past and that´s one reason why it´s so hard for me to be honest again. Obviously, they were of a negative nature.
Of course, I can never be sure what exactly will happen, how my therapist will react and what he will do or not.
But still.
I´m frustrated, more than anything else.
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