promises
i realize that my feeling of inherent craziness increases in direct proportion with how much time i spend inside this home. The more time i spend in this home the crazier i feel. i reAlize that if i want to be sane then i have to make an active effort to avoid this place. i realize that the more time i spend here the higher the probablility that a general feeling of hopelessness will consume me. i realize the more time i spend here the harder it will be to remain positive and hopeful.
---------------------------------------
6/8
its no one's fault. if it's anyone's faullt its mine- but it isnt mine either. I just dont belong here. I dont belong in this place. I dont fit in with my family and I never will. thats just reality. If i stay here for too long at once I get sucked into the laziness, the addiction, the overall misery. And its no one's fault. I guess what keeps me here is this overwhelming sense that this is who i am and its futile trying to fight it. Im pretty sure thats bc Ive had it beat into my head for so long. I wasnt taught to respect change. I wasnt taught that change was a necessary part of life. I was taught that if u do something then follow it through to the end without question. That's the lesson that comes from hearing what a piece of shit I was everytime I tried to walk away from something that wasnt good. My father's a drunk, its ruining his life- he keeps on drinking. My ma's a drunk- its ruining her life- she keeps on drinking. she sits here in her pj's all fucking weekend and drinks. She's shallow as shit. She's alone and she's not doing anything to change that even though she doesnt like it. But maybe she does. Who the fuck knows. I just dont fit in here and everytime i try i start feeling like everything is helpless and hopeless and it overwhelms me. then i smoke and i feel stuck here. I go downstairs and i binge like i have thousands of times. I try so hard to ignore the vortex that this place is. Part of me really just wants to make myself like them- drunk and drugged enough to believe that this is just our lives and there's no hope for anything different. I get caught up in the stagnancy, the routine, the rut.
Its no one's fault. Its not my ma's fault, it's not my dad's fault, its not my brother's fault. It's all my fault. I am the one who can't take this. I am the one who this bothers. My ma has done as much for me as she can do. She's taken me in. She's helped me financially. She's done all she can. She owns a home. She has kids- she's done what she wants in her life. It's just not what I want. That's it. I outgrew a lot of shit and there's something about being in this house that makes me feel like im in quicksand. Then i smoke in an attempt to get out of the quicksand and it just gets me in further.
My friend C- she's another one I just outgrew. I don't speak to her bc I want to. I speak to her out of a sense of obligation bc we've been friends for so long. I answer the phone bc I feel like she needs me. I give no deference to what I need. That's my responsibility- to find my own happiness. She found hers. It makes her happy to call me up and brag about her life and to dismiss my emotions and wants like Im a dumb child everytime i speak about an emotion she doesnt approve of. All of that makes her happy. Im the one that's miserable. Its me. Its all me.
So with the knowledge of who I am- Im going to make some promises to myself. I'm going to type them out and read them every morning when I wake up.
1. I promise to do whatever makes me happy today and to not feel guilty about it.
2. I promise to not conjure up some feeling of obligation from my past and allow it to keep me miserable in the present.
3. I know its not selfish to make myself happy. I promise to not feel guilty for not being there for other people that make me feel bad about myself.
4. I promise to do the above listed without any feeling of guilt and remorse for not being the doormat I've always been to some people in my life.
5. I promise to not feel guilty for doing whatever I have to in order to not allow this place to suck me in.
6. I promise to not resent others for my own inability to enforce healthy boundaries.
Its in me to start fresh today. It's in me to be mentally healthy. I just have to believe its there.
---------------------------------------
6/8
its no one's fault. if it's anyone's faullt its mine- but it isnt mine either. I just dont belong here. I dont belong in this place. I dont fit in with my family and I never will. thats just reality. If i stay here for too long at once I get sucked into the laziness, the addiction, the overall misery. And its no one's fault. I guess what keeps me here is this overwhelming sense that this is who i am and its futile trying to fight it. Im pretty sure thats bc Ive had it beat into my head for so long. I wasnt taught to respect change. I wasnt taught that change was a necessary part of life. I was taught that if u do something then follow it through to the end without question. That's the lesson that comes from hearing what a piece of shit I was everytime I tried to walk away from something that wasnt good. My father's a drunk, its ruining his life- he keeps on drinking. My ma's a drunk- its ruining her life- she keeps on drinking. she sits here in her pj's all fucking weekend and drinks. She's shallow as shit. She's alone and she's not doing anything to change that even though she doesnt like it. But maybe she does. Who the fuck knows. I just dont fit in here and everytime i try i start feeling like everything is helpless and hopeless and it overwhelms me. then i smoke and i feel stuck here. I go downstairs and i binge like i have thousands of times. I try so hard to ignore the vortex that this place is. Part of me really just wants to make myself like them- drunk and drugged enough to believe that this is just our lives and there's no hope for anything different. I get caught up in the stagnancy, the routine, the rut.
Its no one's fault. Its not my ma's fault, it's not my dad's fault, its not my brother's fault. It's all my fault. I am the one who can't take this. I am the one who this bothers. My ma has done as much for me as she can do. She's taken me in. She's helped me financially. She's done all she can. She owns a home. She has kids- she's done what she wants in her life. It's just not what I want. That's it. I outgrew a lot of shit and there's something about being in this house that makes me feel like im in quicksand. Then i smoke in an attempt to get out of the quicksand and it just gets me in further.
My friend C- she's another one I just outgrew. I don't speak to her bc I want to. I speak to her out of a sense of obligation bc we've been friends for so long. I answer the phone bc I feel like she needs me. I give no deference to what I need. That's my responsibility- to find my own happiness. She found hers. It makes her happy to call me up and brag about her life and to dismiss my emotions and wants like Im a dumb child everytime i speak about an emotion she doesnt approve of. All of that makes her happy. Im the one that's miserable. Its me. Its all me.
So with the knowledge of who I am- Im going to make some promises to myself. I'm going to type them out and read them every morning when I wake up.
1. I promise to do whatever makes me happy today and to not feel guilty about it.
2. I promise to not conjure up some feeling of obligation from my past and allow it to keep me miserable in the present.
3. I know its not selfish to make myself happy. I promise to not feel guilty for not being there for other people that make me feel bad about myself.
4. I promise to do the above listed without any feeling of guilt and remorse for not being the doormat I've always been to some people in my life.
5. I promise to not feel guilty for doing whatever I have to in order to not allow this place to suck me in.
6. I promise to not resent others for my own inability to enforce healthy boundaries.
Its in me to start fresh today. It's in me to be mentally healthy. I just have to believe its there.
Replies