Progress Report To Nick With Love
Hi Fred:
Tonight I would like to write to Nick instead of directly to you. I think after ten months he deserves to hear from me on how I am feeling by now. I shared this with my counselor today. She agreed it was a good idea. So, Fred, here is to Nick.
Dear Nick,
It has been over ten months since you died. I think I am beginning to understand you are gone. I still cannot truly accept that death is why you are not here. You were too alive, enjoyed life too much, were too brilliant and still had too much to offer the world to actually be dead. But, perhaps, it is some sort of progress to al least understand you will not be coming home to me any more.
I think I can finally feel some very subtle changes in myself. I think that in ways I am beginning to finally be starting to heal. There is still a ways to go but things finally have not hurt quite as badly as they did right at first. And, when they do, it usually does not last as long.
I have noticed there are some changes in things I can now do. I'll share with you: the things I usually no longer do, the things I have started doing and the things I still cannot do. Please know that even though I think I am starting to heal, I still love you, admire you and miss you every day.
THINGS I USUALLY NO LONGER DO:
1. I no longer expect you to come home each night around 6:30 or 7:00 PM
2.I no longer have the alomost constant thought that I want to end my life.
3. I no longer feel the intense hatred and anger 24/7 towards Dr Pertulla and Dr Stephenson. I am still angry, very angry that they live happy well to do lives when they very likely are responsible for Nick not winning his battle with cancer. However, the anger is not such a burning all consuming emotion that it has been.
4. I no longer try to imagine the future or try to "see" the future. Whenever I do it looks empty and barren as it always has done since your death. I no longer pay much attention to the future. When it creeps in to my thoughts I mentally walk away from those thoughts.
5. The flashbacks of your suffering no longer happen with such frequency.
THINGS I HAVE STARTED DOING:
1. I now end the day by watching some of the old funny sit-coms on TV (Golden Girls, Frasier, The Bob Newhart Show) instead of a steady diet of crime series.
2.. Once in a while I will read a little just for pleasure. Just some light reading instead of about grief and loss. I still do read the grief and loss books as they help me. However, it is nice to have a little break.
3. I reduced my counselling sessions with Gracie from once a week to twice a month.
4. I have just about finished redecoration what used to be "our" bedroom. I have new furniture and have repainted the room. I will be getting ne blinds as well. I am changing the room from "our" bedroom into "my" bedroom. I still miss you there each night but I seem to be able to actually go to bed at a more reasonable time now that the room is different.
5. I am making plans on how to change your bathroom so it is a different room altogether. This room holds so many heart breaking memories and horrid flashbacks. I currently can hardly stand to walk in there. I am hoping by making the room different I will be able to use the room again without wanting to cry.
6. I have started clearing out and changing your computer room. This has been an emotionally draining and slow going project. This room was where you spent so much time. I wish you still could. I know that you cannot and that I need to make these changes. I am turning the room into a combination office/guest room.
7. I have made four wonderful women friends on the Daily Strength site. I have talked with a couple of the ladies and have regular on line messages with the others. They are all widows. I value their friendship and support.
8. I am now getting to bed earlier than I did for the first 8 months after your death. At times I have vivid nightmares about you dying or horrid dreams where I am still trying to get help so you won't die. But, at least I am getting to bed usually at an earlier time.
9.Yesterday and today I found I could relax in the silence of the house. I sat there with a cup of coffee and Mardi Gras was on my lap purring a little. I used this quiet time to imagine sending out a small thin glowing strand of love from my heart to you. I also could imagine for just a few moments that you & I were sitting beside the Madison River in Yellowstone like we used to do. We were by our favorite rock again. The sun was so warm and gentle on our backs. The sky was a beautiful blue. The Madison River sparkled in the sunshine like it was covered by diamonds. We were happy. We were content. It was a gentle memory and a good place to return to. I did this for just a short while without crying. It felt good to hold that memory to my heart for just a moment before grief found us.
THINGS I STILL CANNOT DO:
1. I cannot look at your picture without breaking down.
2. I cannot work on the yard, or do house work or work in your computer room for more than 60 -90 minutes without depression hitting me hard.
3. I cannot journal in detail about your suffering beyond the first time you began to spontaneously hemorage. I can slip into "robot mode" to talk about it once in a while but I cannot relive it long enough to write about it. I would have done anything to have spared you the time that followed. If I could have, I think I would have died in your place.
4. I cannot write to your friend from Cambridge, Nigel, to tell him you have died. I know I need to and hope that he knows how to contact the others that sent you Christmas cards. I can't read Collin's writing and Karen & Eric failed to put a return address on their card. I just cannot do this yet.
5. I cannot make a green salad. I also cannot face eating yogurt.
6. I cannot cook or use the kitchen other than to make coffee or do a fat micro-wave frozen dinner.
7. I cannot bear to see your things that were so dear to you and that were such a daily part of you. (your bicycle, your ancient bicycle helmet, your old wallet, you beat up floppy hiking hat, your set of golf clubs, and your old padded shirt that you always wore) I have put them away and am keeping them safe. I love you and I love these items as they remind me so much of you. It just hurts oh so badly to see them right now.
So, you see, I still have a long ways to go on this lonely path without you. I feel I have come a long ways but still miss you so much. Life still feels mostly flat other than when things feel really sad. However, I do feel progress has been made and I will continue to make more.
I am sure you would be happy if you knew about the progress I have had. You were never a quitter or a wimp. You would not want me to be a quitter or a wimp either. I will continue with all the ups and downs and all the rocks and darkness that fills this patch. The important thing is that although I am not "there" yet I am at least on my way.
I love you, Nick. Thank you so much for the years you were part of my life.
Love.
Darlene
2/7/2012
Tonight I would like to write to Nick instead of directly to you. I think after ten months he deserves to hear from me on how I am feeling by now. I shared this with my counselor today. She agreed it was a good idea. So, Fred, here is to Nick.
Dear Nick,
It has been over ten months since you died. I think I am beginning to understand you are gone. I still cannot truly accept that death is why you are not here. You were too alive, enjoyed life too much, were too brilliant and still had too much to offer the world to actually be dead. But, perhaps, it is some sort of progress to al least understand you will not be coming home to me any more.
I think I can finally feel some very subtle changes in myself. I think that in ways I am beginning to finally be starting to heal. There is still a ways to go but things finally have not hurt quite as badly as they did right at first. And, when they do, it usually does not last as long.
I have noticed there are some changes in things I can now do. I'll share with you: the things I usually no longer do, the things I have started doing and the things I still cannot do. Please know that even though I think I am starting to heal, I still love you, admire you and miss you every day.
THINGS I USUALLY NO LONGER DO:
1. I no longer expect you to come home each night around 6:30 or 7:00 PM
2.I no longer have the alomost constant thought that I want to end my life.
3. I no longer feel the intense hatred and anger 24/7 towards Dr Pertulla and Dr Stephenson. I am still angry, very angry that they live happy well to do lives when they very likely are responsible for Nick not winning his battle with cancer. However, the anger is not such a burning all consuming emotion that it has been.
4. I no longer try to imagine the future or try to "see" the future. Whenever I do it looks empty and barren as it always has done since your death. I no longer pay much attention to the future. When it creeps in to my thoughts I mentally walk away from those thoughts.
5. The flashbacks of your suffering no longer happen with such frequency.
THINGS I HAVE STARTED DOING:
1. I now end the day by watching some of the old funny sit-coms on TV (Golden Girls, Frasier, The Bob Newhart Show) instead of a steady diet of crime series.
2.. Once in a while I will read a little just for pleasure. Just some light reading instead of about grief and loss. I still do read the grief and loss books as they help me. However, it is nice to have a little break.
3. I reduced my counselling sessions with Gracie from once a week to twice a month.
4. I have just about finished redecoration what used to be "our" bedroom. I have new furniture and have repainted the room. I will be getting ne blinds as well. I am changing the room from "our" bedroom into "my" bedroom. I still miss you there each night but I seem to be able to actually go to bed at a more reasonable time now that the room is different.
5. I am making plans on how to change your bathroom so it is a different room altogether. This room holds so many heart breaking memories and horrid flashbacks. I currently can hardly stand to walk in there. I am hoping by making the room different I will be able to use the room again without wanting to cry.
6. I have started clearing out and changing your computer room. This has been an emotionally draining and slow going project. This room was where you spent so much time. I wish you still could. I know that you cannot and that I need to make these changes. I am turning the room into a combination office/guest room.
7. I have made four wonderful women friends on the Daily Strength site. I have talked with a couple of the ladies and have regular on line messages with the others. They are all widows. I value their friendship and support.
8. I am now getting to bed earlier than I did for the first 8 months after your death. At times I have vivid nightmares about you dying or horrid dreams where I am still trying to get help so you won't die. But, at least I am getting to bed usually at an earlier time.
9.Yesterday and today I found I could relax in the silence of the house. I sat there with a cup of coffee and Mardi Gras was on my lap purring a little. I used this quiet time to imagine sending out a small thin glowing strand of love from my heart to you. I also could imagine for just a few moments that you & I were sitting beside the Madison River in Yellowstone like we used to do. We were by our favorite rock again. The sun was so warm and gentle on our backs. The sky was a beautiful blue. The Madison River sparkled in the sunshine like it was covered by diamonds. We were happy. We were content. It was a gentle memory and a good place to return to. I did this for just a short while without crying. It felt good to hold that memory to my heart for just a moment before grief found us.
THINGS I STILL CANNOT DO:
1. I cannot look at your picture without breaking down.
2. I cannot work on the yard, or do house work or work in your computer room for more than 60 -90 minutes without depression hitting me hard.
3. I cannot journal in detail about your suffering beyond the first time you began to spontaneously hemorage. I can slip into "robot mode" to talk about it once in a while but I cannot relive it long enough to write about it. I would have done anything to have spared you the time that followed. If I could have, I think I would have died in your place.
4. I cannot write to your friend from Cambridge, Nigel, to tell him you have died. I know I need to and hope that he knows how to contact the others that sent you Christmas cards. I can't read Collin's writing and Karen & Eric failed to put a return address on their card. I just cannot do this yet.
5. I cannot make a green salad. I also cannot face eating yogurt.
6. I cannot cook or use the kitchen other than to make coffee or do a fat micro-wave frozen dinner.
7. I cannot bear to see your things that were so dear to you and that were such a daily part of you. (your bicycle, your ancient bicycle helmet, your old wallet, you beat up floppy hiking hat, your set of golf clubs, and your old padded shirt that you always wore) I have put them away and am keeping them safe. I love you and I love these items as they remind me so much of you. It just hurts oh so badly to see them right now.
So, you see, I still have a long ways to go on this lonely path without you. I feel I have come a long ways but still miss you so much. Life still feels mostly flat other than when things feel really sad. However, I do feel progress has been made and I will continue to make more.
I am sure you would be happy if you knew about the progress I have had. You were never a quitter or a wimp. You would not want me to be a quitter or a wimp either. I will continue with all the ups and downs and all the rocks and darkness that fills this patch. The important thing is that although I am not "there" yet I am at least on my way.
I love you, Nick. Thank you so much for the years you were part of my life.
Love.
Darlene
2/7/2012
Replies
HI Darlene
Just finished reading your journal entry. what beautiful words, and i know Nick would be so proud of all the progress you have made. And i am so proud of you too.
You are a Wonderful, Strong woman, and have been such a inspiration to me.
HUGS
Love your friend
Jennifer
Darlene,
I have read this entry over and over and over again, and each time i read it, I SEE HOPE. I see LIFE is creeping back into you. And at YOUR pace my dear friend. Yes, there are many things you cannot face yet. Littl sharing? I have many thing I cannot do yet either!! That\'s OK!!! You get there when you get there. The main thing is that you have things that you CAN do! That\'s the celebration FOR me TO SEE! Things you CAN do! and there are SO MANY!!!
This is a process, and for many it is a long one, but we ALL come out to see that light. and that light is LIFE. You are LIVING it! You are doing what needs to be done to save YOURS. How PROUD Nick is of you? He\'s telling all the other angels up there that that\'s MY GIRL and look what she has done!
Darlene, I am so VERY PROUD to call you friend! You are MAKING it!!! and you will make it to the end of all this. i have FAITH in you, your abilities, and your strength!!!
Love, and many hugs sweet friend! WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!
Diane
Darlene, Yes this is a very hard road we are all on and I still have a list of things that I can, can\'t and do not want to do. I have not wrote them out but think that I may.
I am so glad that you are making progress as that is such a HUGE STEP and yes it will be work in process for awhile but at least you are taking it one step at a time. Nick is VERY PROUD of you and I hope you are also PROUD OF YOURSELF..
I too have a long way to go but also see the progress I have made over the last few months..............wishing you some peace and healing in the days ahead....hugs