Progress or Procrastination?

Dear Fred:
Here is what has me wondering if I am making progress or just procrastinating during the past couple of weeks.  In my longing to ease some of the pain I have kept horribly busy.  It's like I am trying to out run the overwhelming grief when I think of Nick's suffering.  If by thinking about it, he would be made whole again or even if it would reduce the pain & suffering he went through I would gladly think about it non-stop.  I would gladly cry forever.  The loneliness of his not being here I think I can almost bear.  The memories of the suffering he went through the last four months of his life and the last night he was with me, plunge me in to despair  that I have never known before.  I cannot begin to describe how intense it is.  I cannot change what happened.  I cannot help him.  I could not stop death from taking him to where he did not want to go.  
Logically I know that I could not prevent his death.  And, logically I know I was beside him every step of the way.  Emotionally it is different.  His pain,his suffering and incredible weakness (when once he was such a strong capable person) and the last breath & then release I felt his body give at the end of his life totally engulf me.  At these times I wish to die.  I am afraid to pursue these memories or allow them to cross my mind too often as their power & grief is so great I do not know how or when it will end.
 And so, I run.  I am busy every moment I can be.  People say they are glad I am doing better.  They just don't know what is really going on inside when I slow down.  I am hoping that if I "act as if" for long enough that it will no longer be an act. And, that in time I will become strong enough to finally face these memories that haunt me.
Thank you, Fred, for letting me share these darker thoughts with you.  I avoid thee memories, not because I don't love Nick.  I love him with my heart and a very deep part of my soul.  I avoid these memories or "haunts" and do as many fun & active things as possible because I am terrified of where these "haunts"will take me if I let them.  If I am to survive this I must keep them locked up for a while and try to stay active, busy and positive until I can face them.
Nick, I miss you.  Wherever you are, I hope you know or can sense that I love you.
Darlene    08/02/2011