Progress and Striving

I am what you would call "The Runaway Child" when it comes to channeling and venting this site. Life has thrown many curveballs my way. My year off from graduate school has arrived and gone within a blink of an eye. I re-enrolled back into my graduate coursework after the death of estranged father's death in February "19" this past May. I had to take "Addictions" and learn about neuro-mechanics of the brain and more. It was the first time I took an online course at Lehigh University and was also the first time the course being online. I did exceptionally well and received an "A," which was well-deserved and appreciated. I was offered a possible position to intern and master's fellowship to work with college students in counseling. It was a grueling month of May; it was filled with tears and emotions along with disconnections from social media because friends and distant family were falling ill due to COVID and dying. It was overwhelming. It's been a journey, but my mother's been there with me every step of the way. Her birthday was June 15th, and we celebrated her birthday until the end of the month; however, when my estranged late father's birthday cam,e which was a day after my mother's birthday celebration. I felt absolutely nothing—no emotions or posts of sadness on my end. I cannot speak for his former girlfriend and the children they shared. I just know-how, I felt. I reacted differently, though, when an old classmate/college friend died. She was 31, the same age as me, and died from pulmonary hypertension. It was a shocking moment for me. We shared tons of memories in class and outside with laughs. I went to the wake, and everyone indulged in their favorite alcohol, and I settled for water. Alcohol was not my best friend or coping mechanism, even when my father died. Therefore, everything was different. I have attended virtual wakes and services; this was the first wake in over a year. I was in line to view the body, and someone moved out of line, and I saw her from afar. I froze and ran out of line. Panic and anxiety kicked in, I couldn't do it and removed myself from the service and headed out the door. I needed air and food. I did not need to be there and wanted to remember my friend the way she was in physical form before her sickness and all. Since I have five more classes to go, I am enjoying my summer days with photography and positive people. I need (Good People) and (Positivity) around me. I swore off dating for now because of the toxic energy; I received when I was dating someone was draining the life out of me because of their negativity and demons. It's best that we just remain cordial for the sake of our departments and mutual acquaintances. I deserve better even if that means focusing on more alone time for growth and contentment, I'll take it. I cannot wait to graduate and start my PH.D. It has been a journey for sure. So here's to new beginnings.