Productive Therapy
I saw my therapist today. We spent the first half of the session going over my journal from the other day “Forgiveness?” and talking about all the stuff with my stepbrother. She doesn't want me to role-play with an empty chair just to cuss it out, she wants me to say what I would say to him when I forgive him. I'm closer today after the session. I wanted to call my sister and ask her what she would think if he would be sorry or not for what he did to me, but my therapist suggest against it. She didn't want me to get my hopes up and get expectations. If I go in expecting nothing, then I can't be disappointed. I expect him to get the letter, read it halfway and throw it away. I want to be able to move on, though... and not be angry. Joyce, you are right... I am angry. I want his mom to know what he did so she can disown him and have him be cut off. My stepdad was the one married to my mom, my stepmother was the one married to my dad, they have no contact with each other. A couple of you caught on that sometimes I say “they” instead of he, and my brother took a small part in the physical abuse so that's why I say they instead of just he sometimes. But I confronted my brother and he apologized and said it wasn't my fault.
I'm looking for that same relief that I got from forgiving my brother in forgiving my stepbrother. I've been carrying this around for 20 years, I think that's long enough, don't y'all? I know my sister has been carrying around the hatred that she has for my stepdad for over 25 years now, and I want to be a model for her. Not anything like what happened with me happened with her, so I think that she should be able to let it go. She's a strong person, just like me, but I think she's just scared. I want to show her that it's possible to forgive and let go. Burdens just get heavier with time. I can't tell you how scared I was confronting my brother about the abuse. But I can't tell you also the relief I felt in doing so. To hear him say it wasn't my fault was the best thing in the world. I know on the outside that it wasn't my fault, but to realize it on the inside is a different thing. And that went about helping me realize it on the inside. I still haven't fully accepted it yet, and I know in the comments people will say it's not my fault, but it just falls on the outside. I would love to hear my stepbrother apologize and say it's not my fault, but I can't expect that to happen.
My therapist was also saying that I should write the letter and send it to him to let him know he has no more control over me anymore. What's the worst he can say? I said I forgive him, it's in the past and I've let it all go. Yes, he hurt me, more than anyone who ever meant to, but I need to move on. I've moved on with my dad and had a great time this year on the anniversary of his death by having a lunch with him. I've moved on with my brother with the abuse he dealt me. I need to move on with this. It's the last thing standing between me and peace. I want that peace so badly. To not let things be able to hurt me so much, to be able to say that I forgive (but not forget) what he did, and to maybe try and report him so he doesn't do it again. I haven't decided if I'm going to report him or not. He does have a child, but I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. I don't know if he would hurt his own child. My fear is that he would. I don't think he should be around children if he's unrepentant.
I was going to write the letter here on DS one day, let my therapist read it and comment on it, and then mail it to my sister. I've already spoken to my sister and she says that she will make sure he gets it. I don't want him to have my address or any way of getting in contact with me besides my sister. If he wants to say he's sorry, he will find a way. If he wants to say crap, then my sister can filter it through and I won't have to deal with his crap finding a way to me. I still don't know what I'm going to say in this letter, but I hope I can forgive him soon so that I can move on and be free.
Food today was good.. I was in my calorie ranges for everything. I had Subway for breakfast and lunch, and leftover turkey for dinner. I had the wing, which was yummy. I also had some salad and some corn tortillas with sour cream and hot sauce for a snack. Mood today for the first time in a while was good, despite sleep last night being super crappy. Stress right now is low... I just want to forgive this guy so I can move on with my life!
I'm looking for that same relief that I got from forgiving my brother in forgiving my stepbrother. I've been carrying this around for 20 years, I think that's long enough, don't y'all? I know my sister has been carrying around the hatred that she has for my stepdad for over 25 years now, and I want to be a model for her. Not anything like what happened with me happened with her, so I think that she should be able to let it go. She's a strong person, just like me, but I think she's just scared. I want to show her that it's possible to forgive and let go. Burdens just get heavier with time. I can't tell you how scared I was confronting my brother about the abuse. But I can't tell you also the relief I felt in doing so. To hear him say it wasn't my fault was the best thing in the world. I know on the outside that it wasn't my fault, but to realize it on the inside is a different thing. And that went about helping me realize it on the inside. I still haven't fully accepted it yet, and I know in the comments people will say it's not my fault, but it just falls on the outside. I would love to hear my stepbrother apologize and say it's not my fault, but I can't expect that to happen.
My therapist was also saying that I should write the letter and send it to him to let him know he has no more control over me anymore. What's the worst he can say? I said I forgive him, it's in the past and I've let it all go. Yes, he hurt me, more than anyone who ever meant to, but I need to move on. I've moved on with my dad and had a great time this year on the anniversary of his death by having a lunch with him. I've moved on with my brother with the abuse he dealt me. I need to move on with this. It's the last thing standing between me and peace. I want that peace so badly. To not let things be able to hurt me so much, to be able to say that I forgive (but not forget) what he did, and to maybe try and report him so he doesn't do it again. I haven't decided if I'm going to report him or not. He does have a child, but I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. I don't know if he would hurt his own child. My fear is that he would. I don't think he should be around children if he's unrepentant.
I was going to write the letter here on DS one day, let my therapist read it and comment on it, and then mail it to my sister. I've already spoken to my sister and she says that she will make sure he gets it. I don't want him to have my address or any way of getting in contact with me besides my sister. If he wants to say he's sorry, he will find a way. If he wants to say crap, then my sister can filter it through and I won't have to deal with his crap finding a way to me. I still don't know what I'm going to say in this letter, but I hope I can forgive him soon so that I can move on and be free.
Food today was good.. I was in my calorie ranges for everything. I had Subway for breakfast and lunch, and leftover turkey for dinner. I had the wing, which was yummy. I also had some salad and some corn tortillas with sour cream and hot sauce for a snack. Mood today for the first time in a while was good, despite sleep last night being super crappy. Stress right now is low... I just want to forgive this guy so I can move on with my life!
Replies
you are not letting go or giving in to the final step in inner healing. your therapist is right about just yelling, and to not hold any expectations. as usual i have a question, i didnt know your brother was involved too. i dont know to what extent but how did you find it in you to confront and forgive him? is your step brother the one you did the real internal and psychological damage, is that why it is so hard to forgive him? my suggestion is to do this for YOU not for your sister or anyone elese. sure it may help her, but this needs to be done fou you and your healing and to be able to move on. one must stp thinking about others, pleasing, helping etc.. when it comes to your well being, focus on what you need. i think dealing and talking about this is helping your mood which is great. you did awesome on your food too! keep up on all the hard work, you are doing great.
Great journal! I like the idea of having your sister help you with the passing on of the letter. Wish I could give you more than a virtual hug.....but HUGE HUGS!
You have a complicated family history and it\'s such a mess of who did what to whom. But at the center is that you want to forgive your stepbrother. And your therapist is completely right. If you go into this expecting nothing you can\'t be disappointed and thrown into depression. Your therapist sounds really awesome. What does she think about reporting him?
My brother was only physically abusive, and I have forgiven him and moved on. and yes, Karrin, my family is complicated. My therapist has the same fear that I have that he might be abusing his child, but I don\'t know if it\'s a boy or a girl. if it\'s a girl, I fear for her in the future, but there\'s nothing I can really do since I have no proof of what he did to me. I don\'t know if forgiving him will let that pass. I have no idea.