Processing
After the months of wandering with profound grief, my 6(?) weeks here in my long-visited confluence region have been hard to summarize. Again, my animated stuffy little CPA pops into my head, saying, "Do first. Define later." I find myself wondering if I should hunt down the actual man, just to see if the caraciture of him which lives in my head looks or sounds anything like the man who helped me set up my business books back in the 80's. 30 years is sufficient time for ALLOT of self-gaslighting.
It has only been two days since I put in the bid on the house and the bid was accepted. I can get buyer's remorse out of buying a pastry, so the emotional whiplash of that step is no great suprise. I've been through enough rounds of buyer's remorse to feel fairly confident I am recognizing the parts of my current fissuring which come from that piece of the puzzle.
The greater anxiety set is family whiplash. Hubs is the only one I have discussed any of this with in any detail. I am not at all sure "Mother" is a full human being in the eyes of the middle-aged sons and their significant others. For sure, I don't expect them to care when I share details of my life. The details of my life are usually restricted to yes/no answers of whether I am available to serve them when requested, as requested. I am letting that part be for now. ^It^ is what ^it^ is, whether I understand ^it^ or knot.
The dialog between Hubs and I feels evolved enough to risk another rug-pulling event. I am trusting that we are collaborating on a potential which requires him to trust my decisions. So far, so good, but my hyper-vigilance is watching that proverbial rug carefully. It hurts like a father fuck when I tumble viciously as that rug gets pulled out from under my feet. Hubs has a well-established track record on that score. Still. . . The fact that we are openly discussing that cycle is the factor on which I am allowing the gamble. Stepping small and praying big. . . On the flip side of receiving that trust is the personal responsibility for the consequences of the action. More prayers. . .
For now, I am deciding my Sunday morning. I have been going to Sunday morning service and Bible Study at the Salvation Army chapel an easy walk from the motel. It isnae far from the house I bid on, so I believe I will continue there if the house deal goes through. However, on this particular Sunday, there is a Gospel service to close out the Blues Heritage Festival in Cairo, the town where I worked the volunteer clean-up detail in preparation for this very event. I am quite shamed that I have not made the hour drive to check in for any of the festival events.
Replies
Keeping you in puma prayer. Big steps are made up of little steps, so ... yep... step small, and FWIW, I hope you do not have any rugs yanked out from under you.
I'm new to reading your journals so forgive me if I misunderstand. This is your first house on your own? Congratulations! Buying a house is very exciting. Stressful AF but also exciting. I was a single woman when I bought my first home. It was a confidence booster, big-time. Plus, I got to be in charge of my life.
I am not new to living on my own. My husband moved into my house after we married. Even during my 37 year marriage, I have lived alone on quite a few occasions. Accepting my fierce need for independence was a major item in our pre-nuptual talks.
To my personal senses, signing a lease agreement, mortgage agreement or bill of sale are all pretty much the same process, whether the property is a home, vehicle or business. The biggest factor in my own gypsy senses is that I am committing to the responsibility of caring for said property, for better AND for worse.
Thanks for clarifying. Yes, it is a huge commitment, that's for sure. I find it way easier to get in than to get out.
Isn't that true for most commitments that getting in is easier than getting out? Somehow the commitments I was rejected out of are even messier than the ones I chose to leave. They are the ones that haunt me.
Decided to go for the Gospel service in Cairo this morning. Feels like a good time to remember that my life-long draw to this region has been the river confluences, not any single spot on any single river. The residence is just a base camp.
I think. . . Maybe. . . Doing first. Defining later.
I've only lived one place that was really in a location where lots of things were walkable, and I still miss it...
that's a great idea "Do first, define later"
Walkability scores sure count in my preferences. I love driving but I don't mistake commuting for driving. Commuting I prefer to do on foot where I can at least stop and smell the wild herbs.