Processing

Wow, I really haven't written a journal in here in years.  My anxiety is slowly starting to creep up with work starting in another week.  It's so frustrating because I can predict this.... I know that after having the summer off my anxiety is always bad going back to work.  The thing that's different about this year though is I'm moving into a new position.   It's a position that is something I'm really grateful for and so glad to be switching from my previous one to this one.  It's still getting to work with kids, but very little paper work, which is amazing, I think it may be the only one like this in the school district I work in. In all the other years i've worked here the paperwork has been a huge source of stress.   So, you think I'd just be grateful, instead though my crazy brain goes to thinking of the ways that I could lose the job.... i actually googled teachers getting fired... how crazy is that.... of course there's all these weird things that come up you can get fired for.  I guess it was almost a good thing in a way though because it made me realize that I really don't have control over even this.  I mean I can work hard and do the best job i can with it, (which i will) but from there it's out of my control.. and I've never gotten a bad review at work or anything, my principal and I have a good working relationship, so it's not very realistic but because i am so happy to have this position i start to think what if i lose it.  In AA they always say that our fears are either we won't get what we want, or we'll lose what we have, it's so true for me. So, I need to write out what i know i need to do, i think it will help me just to see it and be able to come back to it....
*I need to start and end my day with God (not to mention, asking him for support and his will throughout the day)... you think i'd do more of this with having the summer off but i end up out of my routine and actually do it less.  So after i write this i'm going to go upstairs to my meditation room and read my daily affirmation books and pray, and make sure I end my day the same way.
* I need to make sure I'm making it to my AA meeting, i ended up not going yesterday so i could try and get some things done.... big mistake, that's definitely not helpful, no matter what's going on i need to put my recovery first.
* I need to get outside and get a walk in most days... it's beautiful out now and being outside helps me let my cares go.  There's a beautiful parkway to walk on by my house, i need to take advantage of it.
* I need to make a plan for getting done what I can before work starts back up, and a realistic plan not one where I make it way too hard then fail at it.
*There's a yoga class on Sundays I want to check out, I really want to start taking one at least once a week.  I tend to be so all or nothing with things like that, like I need to go 5 times a week or not at all.  That often isn't realistic, but it is to go to a class on Sundays.  I want to just try it and have the experience not to change what my body looks like (which has been such a drive for exercise when I used to over exercise) but to give my body a good feeling.
Also, i want to process what would happen if i did lose my job, and gratitudes just to try to satisfy those nagging thoughts and let them go:
*I would not be able to pay all my bills, but I could afford my car and house with unemployment.  Steven's working now too and will help.  It's good to know that I would still have a house, and car, food, etc...
*Thankfully the people I have in my life now who are important would not go anywhere if I lost my job.  Steven's so supportive, he accepts me no matter what.. and so do my friends, they don't care if I have a job at all or if i do what it's doing... what a blessing that is.  When I was with my ex he really cared about appearances in general, it would've been so much more stressful to have to think that if i lost my job my bf wouldn't be there for me.... and would probably make me feel like crap about it.  I'm so blessed with the people in my life, that is so much more important then any job ever will be.....  I think part of why I have so much work anxiety is that for so long I defined myself by my work... In the years I spent grasping for ways to feel of value, work ended up being where that need took root. 
I think that I've grown a lot in this area, I think AA's really helped me with that... but I think on some level I must still have some fear around it.  I think it's especially hard because i think the kids are so important and what i do (helping them through their struggles) is so meaningful... but i have to balance it i am still a person God created regardless of my career. 
*If I lost my job, just like everything else God would carry me through it.  He's gotten me through so much in life, why would I have doubt in that area?  Also I have to remember God's always in charge, if he brings me to it, he'll bring me through it..  And it may be that if i lost this job it would be because God needs to open me up to other opportunities.
Ok, those are just some thoughts for now, it has already helped just to get them out on paper, now I need to do the things I know will help.  Thanks for reading!