Prison of the MInd

Back in the 80s my favorite television show was Battlestar Galactica.  I just loved Dirk Benidict as Starbuck.  Anyhow, there was an episode about a prison colony.  My memory of it is somewhat faded, but it made an impression on me.  The guys landed in a prison on some faraway planet.  They were locked in this filthy jail along with people who'd been there for years.  Surprisingly, these were not the original people who'd  committed the crime, they were the decendents(if I remember well).  More surprisingly, at some point, Starbuck discovers the cells are without locks, which means that anyone could just walk out the door.  There were no prison guards of any consequence either.
They were prisoners, but only in their minds.  They were free to leave at anytime.
I recently thought of that episode and how it relates to my life.  Everyday I think of my husband and how different my life would be if he were still here.  It’s as if I expect him to rescue me, yet, I have the power to remove myself from this situation.  Realizing this, I had to ask myself why I hadn’t done it?  Why have I made the decision to live a miserable life?
The answer is simple.  I,  like the characters on that long ago television show am a prisoner.  I am a prisoner but the lock isn't a physical one.  It is a mental one.  It is a prision made up of my own mind.  I can't walk out the door because I don't realize my own freedom. I am afraid.
I’m in sales and I see it everyday in some of my customers.  Miserable people locked in marriages they can leave.  People locked in jobs they hate and this is before the recession.  And they don't leave because of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what could happen if they break out of their prison.  And the jailers are more than willing to paint a bleek picture for them.
Shakespear once said, “A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one.”
This is so true in my life.  I've elected to stay in a miserable situation because I fear what can happen if I leave.  Yet as a christian I should know better.  God tells us not to worry about what we should eat, or what we should drink.  Yet, everyday I let this worry keep me here.  I watched my mother do the same.  Mom passed away at 69 having never lived. I chose a different path, or so I thought.  I imagined myself flying free like the seagulls, free of children and any responsibilty that could take away that freedom. But now I find myself just as imprisoned as Mom. That the reason is noble is of no importance when every breath you breath is filled with tension and trepedation.
So how to break free? How do I walk through that unlocked door?  I'm a christian woman, so of course I've gone to God.  And the clarification he's given me is that people can recognize and exploit people like me.  They use the weapon of fear, weilding it with expert practise. yet God does not give us a spirt of fear. Fear is of the devil, not the light of God. I’m reminded of the bad marriages I’ve seen where this is very apparent. The husband constantly threatens the wife about what he’ll do if she leaves. In some cases he need only remind the woman that she would not be able to take care of herself financially. In some cases he may remind her that she wouldn’t be able to find someone else and would end up alone.  The same is true of employers. They may use a different method, but it’s still the same. People are controlled. They stay because they fear unemployment, and this was even before the recession.
Today, I decided to break out of my chains. My fear for my father has kept me locked in here for nearly two months. I’ve stayed out of fear for his mental health, imagining myself with the power to save him. Now, I’m realizing that I can’t change the person he is. He was an angry man as a young person, as a middle age person, and now I am the only person left he can direct that anger toward. My staying here is not going to save him. Only God has that power and He tells me not to worry.
It’s time I accept that.
 
So, I’m creating a goal. I need to be out of here within six months. I need to do it in a smart, orderly way that involves finding the best place for me and my animals. And I will never put myself in this situation again.
 

Replies

Lininsocal
Lininsocal

A very thoughtful and inspirational journal entry. Do not waver on your goal. Because he chooses to be miserable does not mean that you must be also. We love our parents because they are our parents but we do not have to like the people they are. He has lived his life and apparently some of the lives of others. Take yours back, there is life and happiness after our loss. It is painful to watch you suffer..
Hugs and strength, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Good for you! Stay strong!
Katherine
Hooksr
Hooksr

I get a daily e-mail from GriefShare and it had this short prayer in it: Jesus, I know that I must move on. I am making the decision right now to get
myself unstuck from this place in my grief. I need You to replenish my life
supply. Amen.


I hope it helps, have a good day.

Hugs,
Ron
DianeMTB
DianeMTB

Good for you. It\'s about time you put yourself first. I am proud of the change you are about to make. When the bible says the greatest commandment is love, it includes loving your self. It\'s funny how we can treat everyone around us better than the way we treat ourselves. It is not right. We have to treat ourselves good and proper. Love yourself in a positive way. Good for you and I hope it all works out well. You write so eloquently. From Diane
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe

You moved in with your father because you thought it would be a good situation for both of you. The thought behind this was a caring one - and you\'ve tried. But your analogy was right on, and I\'m glad you\'re thinking this way. I\'ve found that a lot of things I\'m fearing, are things that go back long before I was married to Joe. It\'s hard to separate it all out, sometimes. Hugs, Marsha
songsofthenight
songsofthenight

continue doing what is right for YOU....only you can make yourself happy, no person or thing can (but a person or situation can make you miserable.) Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....May God\'s angels keep watch over you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

A very thoughful and insightful journal entry. You will make the right decision for yourself and we will all be cheering you on. Hugs, Dianne
deleted_user
deleted_user

Best of luck Truhal!! I\'ll be keeping you in my prayers. I know this was a tough decision for you to make, know we\'ll be here to support you... ((HUGS))
Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Best of luck Truhal!! I\'ll be keeping you in my prayers. I know this was a tough decision for you to make, know we\'ll be here to support you... ((HUGS))
Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Best of luck Truhal!! I\'ll be keeping you in my prayers. I know this was a tough decision for you to make, know we\'ll be here to support you... ((HUGS))
Karen
Joely
Joely

I am so proud of you! You have searched and found your answer. Now, stick to your newfound insight. An inspiring journal entry. Hugs, Joely