Primary PTSD
I have been focusing on my PTSD these past few weeks. No surprise there, as this has been our topic of discussion for the previous several sessions. This has given rise to several flashbacks and thoughts about that time. The experiences are still fresh in my mind and have not lessened by time. Will they ever?
I can intellectually make the connection between the guilt and shame of that event and set it aside. The guilt I associated with the shame is the public effects of that act and professional blame.
I have felt guilty and humiliated for years. I find myself trapped by guilt. The TDoc tries to convince me of the grace and inevitability of a situation. I can not fault her logic, but it is the emotional side of me that can not accept her reasoning. When I think about the events, I can not help but feel that same guilt and humiliation. How do I get to the point of feeling what is logical? I can not move forward without this step.
Replies
Just a thought.......
what if this had happened to your closest buddy.....a brother? Imagine he came to you with this experience. His failures, his part in it. (Hope I am saying this right since I do not know what you actually went through) Imagine, Jack (let's say for sake of argument) he did this awful thing (I am only saying awful because that is how you feel?) He is telling you the story - what do you tell him? Do you tell him he needs to hold onto this guilt? Do you tell him that yes 100% it was his fault? Do you think he should live in shame and fear and anger and loneliness?
Or what if it was your son that this had happened too? (I don't know if you have kids so this might not work) But what if your son came home and said dad this is how awful I am I am worthless and humiliated and I can't live with this....
What would you tell him? Would you treat him or Jack the same way that you are treating yourself? Would you believe that they should live forever humiliated and guilty? Was it all their fault? Did they really make a decision that they should pay for the rest of their lives? Would you wish them harm? Would you turn your back on them? Would you find them guilty of a "crime"? Would you sentence them to 5 yrs or 10 yrs or 15 yrs of forced labor or prison? (I am not saying you actually committed a crime -- I just mean in a hypothetical sense)
You are pushing a boulder (guilt humiliation) up a hill that never ends...you have created a prison of guilt, you have condemned yourself when no one else has? (I am assuming you didn't go to prison over this or anything like that)
Anyway......I hope this gives you something to ponder, and perhaps helps just a little.
Glad you mention grace, Thor. Via DS private message I was just talking about its role in my life with a DS PTSD member last night. That song "Amazing Grace" and its line "that saved a WRETCH like me speaks to me, not as a lack of self esteem, but actually as healing for how repeated war child, sexual molestation, and domestic violence WRECKED me with trauma as a kid and left me now with PTSD. This idea of grace as healing links for me to something I've been doing for 3 years now since a DS PTSD member suggested it to me. I've kept a daily Gratitude Journal as a grace record to balance out with my daily PTSD flashbacks. It's almost 1,000 pages long now, standing as sort of a bank account of grace for me to turn to when I'm down.
Julie - You should like the TDoc. Perfect logic butting up against my emotional state. Thank you for your reply. There never were any criminal activities in anything it is just professional issues that resulted in profound consequences.
Muji - Thanks for the reply and you gave me something to think about and you are right about the gratitude journal.
Thor, I agree with both of the above. It helps me to look at events from a third person perspective. One process that helped me was the following. Our thoughts often create our feelings, even when we are not aware of them. Repetition reinforces a feeling, and habits take time to change. Recognize the script that sets this in motion, then begin to challenge and change it. I think this may be what your Pdoc is working with you on. Also had a therapist present to me that I was getting some kind of payoff for continuing the shame, and I best figure out what it was. That took some time as I could not see how there was a payoff to the pain. The answer was a surprise but did change the pattern and the shame. You'll get there my friend. Comforting hugs as you continue your journey.
Big hug Thor.... I think that it will improve over time and as you gain some tools to help you through...… It would be wonderful if these things could be eradicated and I don't believe that happens but I do believe with the work you're putting in it will get better..... Another hug of peace and comfort....xo
Thanks all to those that left replies on my journal entry. I showed the entry and the replies to my TDoc today. It gave her quite a bit to talk about. I am not sure that I fully realize yet all of the points brought up. I do know that my shame and guilt run deeper and are older than my primary PTSD (that was a revelation). Now, this guilt and shame defines me in a significant way, and it tied to my ego. And trying to heal from this PTSD means destroying a large portion of my ego. It is who I am, and if I rid myself of the guilt and shame, what am I then? It is how I see myself.