Primal Forces at Work Here

I spent another great night with the wife last night, just talking and being in love.  I felt a wave of depression looming just over the horizon, but her love, understanding, reassurance, and kind words staved off the inevitable.  I was truly thankful for that. I realize that what my wife had was in some grey area between an affair and inappropriate behavior.  At the time, we were very sexually open and emotionally disconnected.  She didn't love the OM, didn't desire him sexually.  She talked with him about sex, usually in third person, and sent some revealing, but not totally distasteful picture.  She however loved and desired me, sent herself flowers hoping I would find out and fight for her, did everything she could to get my attention, and I was too wrapped up in work.  I need to keep this all in mind, as it seems the longer I go without reassurance, the worse I make things in my mind.  I am writing it down here... 1)  She wanted me to fight for her.  She was alone, lonely.  She tried to talk to me, and I didn't take it seriously.  She sent herself flowers, I ignored them.  She felt alone and depressed, just as I do now. 2)  She loved me, not him.  She told her friends that she wanted ME to be paying attention to her... that he was the wrong man. 3)  She didn't desire him sexually.  She desired me.  I fulfill her, and her body doesn't lie.  We have a wonderful sex life, and it is more than sex...  It is an emotional connection that her and I alone share. 4)  They were just words she spoke to him, and didn't mean.  They were never actions, and never would have been actions.  It was someone to talk to.  When she felt it got too personal, she broke things off as I verified by the phone logs. We are repeating one of the most pure and primal actions in the universe... something that has occurred since the beginning of time.  Our lives together are like the lives of stars...  We were once mere molecules of gas floating in a dark void, alone and without purpose.  As we came closer together, gravity drew us in.  Our many parts became one, and soon we were burning brightly in the vacuum as a single entity, but as all stars do, we burned through our fuel...  Those tiny molecules that made us whole became spent.  We began desperately collapsing in on ourselves, burning everything we could to stay together, but as stars do, we died.  We went supernova...  our life together erupting into a great and terrible flash, and then darkness. But in the darkness drift the remnants... tiny molecules of gas left over from our previous life, and they are drawn together in oblivion by the most basic force.  As they come together, that attraction becomes stronger, growing exponentially with each contact.  Soon the chain reaction will start, and we will burn bright and new.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Mauszer...I swear, your wife sounds so much like my husband. He has said the same things. I think what hurts is that he confided in me that he did make plans to see her - 3 times...each time, he got cold feet and wouldn\'t show up. The last time this occured, he said he pulled off the freeway and cried and cried. He said a light bulb went on. He said up until that point, he justified in his mind that everything was \"okay\" because it was just online, but they were also developing a \"friendship\", which gave them a false sense of comfort and compatibilty. So, he said that they would say \"let\'s just meet as friends...\" but he knew that this was a terrible idea. He says he never wanted to be physical with her, but he can\'t say that for her and he doesn\'t know what would have happened if they had actually met up. He wasn\'t attracted to her physically but hey...let\'s be honest...when someone is throwing it at you like that, sex no longer has a face...it\'s all about the act, not the person. Do you believe your wife? I still struggle but I am staying...I\'m going to try.
Mauszer
Mauszer

I have made the decision to believe my wife. I see no reason not to try. If she is lying to me, then that is her sin, not mine. I know she loves me more than anything in the world, and that is what is most important to me right now. We both made mistakes, and regardless of how bad we fear what MIGHT have occurred, at the end of the day, it is in the past, and despite what everyone says, I believe someday will be mostly forgotten.

Think about something that your husband said or did that really hurt you in the past. Sure, you remember that it hurt you, but you don\'t FEEL the hurt anymore. This will be no different.
slwaite
slwaite

My husband did the exact opposite. He wanted a more physical relationship with me that I was unable to give so the OW more than willingly gave to him. He said there was really nothing past that. I want to believe that but she was a good friend of mine. I know he loves me and that he wants me but he said he couldn\'t talk to me about his needs. Sometimes I get the feeling there is no remorse for what he has done but then there are times when he surprises me with the feelings of love and regret. I don\'t know.

I agree with the primal force thing. We felt this overwhelming need to reclaim our sex life for us. I felt such love and intensity with him.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Mauszer-
I just found this journal entry through the search engine and plan to learn more of your story in the hope that I can help myself along the path you are on. All praise to your wife for her love, understanding, reassurance, and kind words. My wish for you is that she can do that for you each time your waves of depression approach and she never becomes frustrated and angry with you for your feelings.

I believe your chain reaction has started, and will soon burn bright. I still drift in the darkness.