pride, cartoons and pragmatics
I got’ into it ‘with one of the sisters yesterday. It wasn’t one of my finer moments. I had trouble with some thing she did around me and someone told me, well the abbess told me, that I should tell the elder. I told him, and he presented it to her. She wrote back a diatribe citing examples, etc. and I realized that I just needed to make peace with her since we are such a small group. I made peace with her this morning. I still feel pretty ashamed of how small I got. I realize, this stuff exists (and exists in everyone) and I try to live my ‘better self’ daily. So it was just a matter of a fallen sense of pride within me I guess or an acceptance of normalcy. I do know also that her examples she brought up were flawed in a lot of ways, but that’s not the point. I realize I’ve got to keep my boogie going if that makes sense and take care of Blue and take care of my life and just deal with shit like this sometimes. If I were an alpha male, he would control the narrative. But honestly, that’s kind of dark, but I do know I’ve got to find my flooring again to stand on and remember to take care of myself daily, and not just feel weak and crestfallen and powerless . I’ve got Blue to think about…
I’ve got to find some happiness here. It scares me how weak I am sometimes.
In the days before I last met with my therapist, I had been thinking about quite objectively how we each have a kind of cartoon we would like to live in but then also have to keep pragmatically grounded with how to achieve it and find the will to pay the bills aka taking care of life. It precipitates values for sure but
Also reminds me of what she said in terms of noticing my search for living creatively and also taking care of life.
Living here at the monastery is so much like trying to live in a cartoon but know still I need to keep pragmatic. It’s something that I’m understanding and I struggle with it. It's a very important lesson indeed to be aware of and awake to! :)
Replies
Maybe having this kind of floorplan of 'what it takes' to have certain things in my life is part of this new understanding. So, the parts that I get lazy about, need to be addressed with the lens that -' all of this is' what it takes to
have this in my life.
i find myself worrying about what your royal we-ness is calling "better self." is this the self that tries too hard to fit it? the self with standards so high you agonize over the royal we before you take your own, strictly personal pulse and inventory?
as much as i quiver over that dirty feel after a confrontation, i am psychotherapuetically conditioned to take some time before i analyze the confrontation, much less pass judgement on myself or the other party. i distract myself with importfnt duties, like caring for family. there are seldom totally innocent parties in such confrontations. it is equally rare to have devilish bad guys. inserting the royal we in saying we are all just a bunch of confused schmucks trying to make our ways home.
i though all boy cats were alpha males. . . there is no we in feline royalty.
Thanks Arfie!!
I think you have a pretty cool boogie!!
I'm sorry that you agonize some days sweetie
It must be hard on you
You live in a really confined area now and it would be rough at times
You're bound to feel closer to some people more than other's
You do a lot of hard work in order to make it work
Kudos to you for that!!
You care...xo
First You Are Human....set aside the dx and keep in mind all the transitions you've accomplished over the last year to be a productive part of the monastery.
Just as you are Human, so is This Nun. Not sure if she is the same who has given you crap in the past...either way like Arfie said, I too wish that you were slower to blame yourself.
Hugs
thanks Janet! thanks Mary Louise! xx