Pride and Pitfalls
well I suppose it's because I have felt so out of control in life that I have gone from
being very social at one time, to being really determined to be able to be self sufficient.
There's a pride that goes into that for sure - and when suggested otherwise I can get my dander up.
I am not really giving it the explanation that would better explain it but I have felt like
being alone, and able to be alone, was something I really wanted to achieve and had to.
Now I know I have relied on my friends 'here', and my family a friends 'out here' a great deal.
But I am not going to get down on myself as I think reaching out to others is really human nature.
I have been spending this whole 2 week holiday trying to manage myself, my energies and time
and I've gotten kind of neurotic. I've spent, thankfully, a lot of time with my parents and my cat
and that has been such a godsend...I cannot tell you how much they mean...and you guys too out there
been so wonderfully supportive...and just compadres!
Time alone in my aging years seems almost a challenge to me....can you do it?? Are you strong enough?
I say to myself...
and yet the down side of that pridefulness is, I am peering through the looking glass at the world out there
making here only memories for one. :( Plans for one too and responsible for one. Being alone for a while
invites you to cut corners now and then and so the mantra to be self responsible without getting too existential
about it has come to mind, until one day if, or maybe, I have someone else sharing life. We'll always have to watch out
for ourselves in some kind of way...
My therapist had suggested to me that maybe next year I space my weeks apart rather than together on the calendar..
I bristled at the thought but I am thinking about it...
I appreciate all this time I have had......though 'scrambled me' at times it may have been.
I think I'll go out for another Starbucks and then come home and research a trip to the LACMA.org.
Sending good vibes out to you guys, with much appreciation!
Keep on keeping on! You rock!!
Replies
I'm kinda wondering if I should remind you that your current isolation was forced on you by the Corona madness. Just wondering. . . It remains yours to sort, but as I recall, you were making some tasty strides toward building your village when Corona crowned. So I recall through my damaged memory banks. Here in year two of The New Normal, it is getting harder to remember the bad old days of indecently exposed smiles.
Pre-psychotherapy, the self-reliance was the far greater star in my sky. I believed fanatically that self-reliance was my best chance of survival. I had considerable evidence that hurt and degradation were the only things I could on rely on people for. I still believe that self-reliance is my best chance of survival but there is more to good living than mere survival. Balance in all things.
Considering options is one way to express what you really want.
You're doing an excellent job!
Thanks so much Arfie and Mid!!
I definitely will keep the Corona in mind, thanks Arfie. I have to say Arfie that I have found this time of social distancing and living
in a kind of social bubble has probably accentuated my issues but also it's given me the safe experience
to grow and deal with them too.
I'm glad that you've had lots of time to spend with your family Marky....... I think that we all have times when we want to be social and times when we don't
I used to be a social butterfly but due to circumstances and me not changing those days are gone.... I'm glad that you keep on keeping on my friend.... Big hug.....xo
I've wondered a time or 20 if the Corona isolation has served similarwise onboard my little ship of fools. Through the social isolation, the bonds we have formed in the social isolation might be truer to the 5 individuals here on the farm than the chaos of opinions and platitudes **out there**. Maybe. . . I don't get to know the road not taken, but I take consolation in being able to postpone solving the mystery of WTF a play date is.
I still can't bring myself to call the experience, "Safe," but. . . Onward through the masked mysteries.
thanks Jan and Arfie!
My brother and I chat wondering if - when we all emerge from our bubble pods and times of reflection and introspection, will we have all journeyed to a collective sort of Walden Pond? Or will lots of people emerge unchanged or continue in jerky ways? Only time will tell.
These have really been such strange times.
When I think about alone time versus being partnered with someone, totally sharing life, I think it helps if both parties have achieved some sort of discovery of their own divinity, if that makes sense. That could mean different things to different people but it’s been a big part of my observations in my urban Walden Pond... which at times feels like I’ve been there for many long years.
Sleep well!
thanks Sensitive!