prickly criticism and growth
I went down to church this morning at 545am
i set up church and then conducted the first part of services at 730a
for the bishop, who arrived an hour or so into services.
he and i talked some during service but I found myself reacting
to his pointed teasing. I asked him to do a favor for me on Friday
and yesterday (the saturday after) we went on a walk to the lake to talk about it
amongst other things. He's a good guy - he just sees things very differently.
A moralist for sure, a strict priest.
I know he's stronger than me in some ways - but I also
realize we're just two people - each with our own standards
and sense of fun and competition perhaps or sense of fight.
I had the morning meal and then rushed up to see my family on
the zoom. all during this time I was trying to find ways or insights for dealing
with the reality of this priest/bishop who is stronger than me in some
ways - also I saw he was casting a net to have me within his realm
of his standard in the world. He's not completely dominant I suppose is positive and I suppose that's something to consider.
when I came back to my room - I was feeling all sorts of irritation - it felt
like everyone down at church was rejecting me - but I know that's not entirely
true - I was feeling weak and had no character and nothing
anchoring me down...I was perhaps coming back to the room and the zoom searching for my
heart's safety nest. With my family it was not so much that way - entirely- I felt like
I was falling apart while their conversation went on - Like I was slipping into nothingness,
weak and just I thought who am I?
And how am I in the world?
and I just thought about how we're all in that fight - of going 'out there'
being rough housed by life - and then coming home to our home base
- wanting to feel safe and loved and comfortable - but I guess there's
always a low quotient of aggravation or rough feeling in life.
To have things my way is perhaps an odd idea in the sense that
when I'm around people do I 'really try to squeeze myself into a box'
so that I am treated nicely and cared for - or have a sense of right -
in a sense forcing the recognition
and safety I hope for? That's not cool and it's unnatural.
After the zoom meeting, I thought about getting on with my day.
I thought about how I was judging or evaluating certain possible pursuits for myself - for their
worthiness to do just now. I found myself suddenly looking at myself in those environments
rather than just going with feeling or appetite or inward ruminations.
I marvel at my siblings ability to stay active and make projects and have
a fun dynamic life...I am usually getting cozy with Blue and ruminating on wisdoms
or going for coffee (food or pleasure.)
Does this make sense? I feel like I am starting to have my own sense of context
in my actions within the context of others too. It's certainly motivating
and helps me evaluate what I am doing. I am feeling good about my choices.
Replies
maybe it's time too, to question if I am believing those feelings
of weakness. They seem to be consuming my whole mindscreen
and I am falling deeper and deeper into belief that I can't do squat.
I do get tired sometimes, I do have moments when I could be stronger
but maybe it's about time I wonder about believing this cockamamy idea
that my feelings are putting into my head.
maybe too, like my therapist suggested, I should have things around -
like hanging pictures on my wall of family and friends and successes in
my life - maybe that would be good information to have reinforcing
my in this mental vacuum I can get so into. It would support a good
questioning of where I am going with things.
I think having photo's of family and achievement's is a great idea
That 'you can't do squat' is a load of nonsense
I think you've done amazing just since you've been there sweetie
You have a lot of different people there with different personality's and sometimes it's difficult
You don't all see things the same way but that doesn't mean that you're wrong Marky
Deep breaths and big hug...xo
thanks janet!! xx