preweekend notes
I went to work, had my appointments and then got my errands done and then came home and knoshed on dry mango and drank the rest of the lemonade. I took a nap with Blue and woke up
and started thinking about what me and my therapist talked about a few sessions back. The concept was that traditional lives make decision making and ordering your socializing and activities much more plain to see and follow. (much more automatic.)
I thought about how it’s a stretch for me to reach for my desires (I've lost touch in the battle to be self responsible)
but the grasp of them today that I found showed me that I can go for my desires and have the ego to go for and put myself in work and things that seem more prestigious than what I am doing now. I also know I like to connect with people on the level of recognizing moments that are about appreciating the bench marks in life. I guess that means I just like meeting on a level of humanity. I think as I get more accustomed to going for my life I think a way I can look at things is that I am kind of creating a life style or a path for myself. We each are doing that and we enjoy different things about life. And in so doing I am seeing what I really gravitate towards in life..Whatever I choose I can see how I am creating a way forward and can use that idea to envision a part of the future path for myself like a blank canvas. I can see my humanity and my path.
I can lose my grounding, or I have, when I get too involved in just my desires... but my experience has taught me to check in with you guys or my doctor or family or even myself so to speak to keep a healthy humility and view.
I know I do tend to like arty stuff.:) and that makes me feel good.
I felt strengthened after writing the above. Then I got a phone call from a loved one and for whatever reason
as I was feeling empowered - the phone call just left me feeling like I was doing something wrong
when talking. I got off the call and felt mixed up and then decided 'if I see my path forward in life....am I going to try
and please this person?..or go for my life and survive?..I know that must sound extreme - I really need to keep on top of my feelings as you can see...
I also tried to reach out to another loved one twice around the same time and both times the call went quickly to voicemail. He then texted after the second call and said he was on customer support with Adobe. Which calmed me down...
But before he reached out - my mind started churning away...and see how I can get? I need to manage my feelings
and that takes up so much of my focus.
I don't want the bumps in life to derail me from my goals and yet I also don't want them to disrupt my relationships.
I mean I guess we're all bumping into each other..The dual aspect of our individul lives has me
I mean I guess we're all bumping into each other..The dual aspect of our individul lives has me
thinking.
Have a good weekend!!
Replies
over the course of reading/contemplating this entry, i find myself wondering if i have been using, "balance" and "grounding" as synonyms. as i type, the wonder is shifting into certainty, but ? ? ? i might just be getting lost in metaphor again. i get lost in metaphor often enough that i oughta have a song about it by now.
as i read the entry, one of my most used meditations for understanding balance floated into my mind. riding a bicycle. in real life, i CAN ride a bike, but i don't much enjoy it. no particular reason. ya likes what ya likes. in the meditation of an activity i tolerate well but don't much enjoy, i am reminded to stay calm and detached of the bumps and slopes which really are capable of derailing me without a mean intention attached. if i can relax and trust my balancing instinct, those slopes and bumps don't need to distract me from the breeze on my face and the scenery i am passing through.
dual aspect of our individual lives? ? ?
methinks you need to diversify your pallet, my arty farty friend.
isn't each and every life is a complex weave with with far more than two dimensions?
like sticks on a shady driveway. slope?
beep, beep. . . crazy rider coming through. . .
Thanks so much Arfie. You are so awesome, funny and wise. I definitely agree with that we’re all a mix. I get so worried about small stuff. And for some reason my mind undermines me but I have to remind myself to calm myself down by thinking about survival stuff but also about routine.
my therapist helped me normalize stuff by suggesting I understand stuff as "this is what it is like to be me" - they concept really helped...it made me accept and move onward...
i believe that normalizing those little things that used to trigger my OCD lathers is what i get out of the bicycle meditation. a mood, an unconsidered gesture, a misinterpreted word or any of the myriad of details in life are naught more than a slope in the driveway or a rock beneath my wheels. adjust and roll on, good buddy. . . destination further. . . onward through the fog.
steady as she goes, cap'n. . .
thanks arfie. I was just about to write again about this... I appreciate the imagery - it helps. I am a tight coiled spring that's ready to react a times..I need to remember that we all have busy lives and to be self responsible for our feelings.
I can get so frustrated with myself - but I'll try to be own it and be compassionate in both directions - towards me and towards others.
I’m definitely seeing part of my nature here and so my proclivities too but I am grateful I have the presence of mind to change or at least manage. We can’t always fix others as we’re all individual with individual natures but we definitely can be a soother and a comrade during hard times. That’s a gift we can give.
I hope that sounds ok, the way I meant it.
Happy Saturday Markus. I appreciate the artsy fartsy approach to life…it can full of so much emotion though that can be hard to wrangle, I find. As it pertains to other people, and thinking about your last comment on this thread, why do you want to fix people, per se? I can only speak about my experiences in challenging workplaces….and seeing the difference between wanting to be impactful in relation to others….like a teacher or an inspiration or observational expertise and communication skills….and then the difference in maybe wanting to control the situation to your own expectations rather than what’s best for an organization and not for self-serving needs. I enjoy reading about different leadership styles in workplace functionality because I think there are a lot of valuable life lessons in navigating life outside of work too. I think about these kinds of aspects of humanity in a broader sense a lot, snd in my own writing/journaling/therapy its helpful to sort my place in the big grand scheme of things. Anyway just some thoughts that came to my mind as I read through. Enjoy the weekend!!! Bella says meeeeeowwwww Blue!
Thanks Nikki!! Meow back to Bella!! I use the word ‘fix’ incorrectly. I think I meant heal. I have s friend who is going through some trauma and I know she needs to process it but I feel it’s becoming a pathology. She’s refusing to see light. I intend to continue supporting her and take solace that at least she has someone hearing her. I just don’t know how she’ll make progress though as she refuses to see any other vantage than her’s. Again, just being there for her is important.
I agree, being there is valuable and allowing someone to feel that they are simply “heard” can feel validating. It is frustrating to see when someone cannot recognize when there is a deeply-rooted behavior that they maybe don’t have awareness of and react repeatedly with a sense of no progress. I’m sure you are a wonderful friend to her and very valuable. xo
Thanks Nikki xo
I think we can all feel uncertain at times Marky.... I know that I do.... I'm glad that you received a text that helped you to feel the calm... It reads that you have a great rapport with your therapist and I am glad that you do sweetie....
Trauma can take a lot of intense work and a lot of time ..... A trauma therapist is really specialized.... Maybe finding the right professional can help your friend and you are there to listen and be her friend when you are able to..... Big squishy hug.... xo
thanks Janet! That's a good idea. She's Canadian and I think she is on a waiting list to see a therapist.
I sincerely hope she can see someone ASAP.