pretty intimate details about my sex life....and past relationships...but i need to get it otu

Back to the things that could of aided in my horrible moods the past two weeks. This is going into some detail here fyi.
As those thoughts came to my head from the past few years, i started having flashbacks as to my relationships with guys. First with HIM. It just hit me that he did similar (though I don't think as bad) things with a chick the year before me and the year after me....both who were about my height, same color and length of hair, and chunky like I was that year. Interesting.
The first guy I ever kissed was my freshman year in college, we will call him C. I was so scared. I was embarrassed because I had never kissed someone before. Then people were snickering ad making comments about him being geeky and why would I possibly chose to date someone like him etc. I could not do it. I was scared as well. I was convinced he wanted sex or more. We would be cuddling in bed, making out etc. and he would start fondling my breasts. I had no idea what to do. I was so uncomfortable with him doing that but i let him keep going. I hated every second of it. I eventually called the relationship off. My family never knew about him.
Then there was one night where I was out at a club with some friend's in Ithaca. It was really sketchy. Some guy came up to me and we started dancing, it was actually a lot of fun. Then he started forcing me to make out with him. He was drunk off his ass. Then while in the middle of the fucking dance floor he starts fingering me, then fisting me. I had no idea what he was doing. I did not know whether it was normal or not. I was clueless. No one had ever told me anything about sex or guys. I was very sheltered growing up and knew nothing. He then tried pinning me up against a wall, but somehow I got out and ran.
Next was S. We dated for a few months and talked the entire summer before we even got back to school and dated, so we knew each other very well once we actually met up and dated. S was amazing- it was a fantastic relationship! People had always made fun of him though (he was a rower- this is the guy who is my best friend now and just got engaged!!). He has larger than average nipples and everyone found the need to make fun of him for that. Then I got looks because I started dating him. This time I tried really hard to not let it bother me, and I kept the relationship going. We dated in person for about 2 months before we had sex. Then we did it. He was very kind and sweet, and I had no idea what the fuck I was doing or should do. I had no interest in having sex, but I knew that it was expected from guys (especially if I had already made him wait months), so I did it. I didn’t feel anything, and it was by no means special to me. After I was just kind of like, okay…that’s it? That’s boring.
Then after S it was D. D is the one that my parents did NOT approve of. They thought he was geeky, a partier, had no future, a loser, only wanted to drink his days away, was never going to get anywhere, was ugly, and the list goes on. Clearly that made me want to date him more! He was wonderful to me- treated me better than I ever could of asked for. Oh yes- my mother blames him for making me fat my junior/senior year in college. David was crazy. He did many things that I was not comfortable with (sexually) but I did them anyways to please him. Many things I was not comfortable with- and a lot of things that were weird and creeped me out. I eventually broke off that relationship because my mother said it’s either him or us. I remember every second of that night perfectly. My mother and I physically and verbally fighting in the middle of Copley square in Boston.
Oh prior to D I was going for M. I always thought he was cute and nice…nothing ever went on though. Then the shitty with HIM began. HE began that fall, literally a week or two after I broke up with D. Then within 3 days that Fall/Winter I had sexual relations with S, D, HIM, and made out with someone else….It was bad. The only thing that I actually wanted to do was talk to and possible kiss the new guy- I don’t even remember his name. Clearly that never moved farther.
During senior year in addition to HIM, J had the likes for me as well, and I felt the same way back. But we never did anything. We hung out all the time and cuddled- he was amazing. Everyone made jokes that we were together- and how he slept around so that meant that I was easy. That summer I flew to Maine to visit J for a couple of days. One night we started messing around, but then he went to the bathroom and finished. We never had vaginal sex- just oral- but I felt horrible, as though I was not doing the right things. I clearly failed. I could not sleep that night. But the next day it was like nothing ever happened. And then nothing ever again between us besides a hello/goodbye kiss on the cheek. While in Maine with him, we met up with some of his guy friends. It was a good time. Apparently one of the guys, JU, liked me at first sight. Once I had returned to VA, JU got my phone number from J and started texting/calling me. I was not seeing anyone else at the time so I messaged and talked to him. We talked constantly. He eventually persuaded me to take and send him ‘naughty’ pictures. I did- I felt violated but I still did. Why? Why did I do that? That continued until I met Carlos. I also continued to go to S whenever he wanted because I had nothing better to do I guess. I did what others wanted to make them happy and not mad with me. But when I think about it- I probably didn’t make anyone happy.
When I met Carlos we didn’t have sex for the first 2 months we dated- per my request. He respected that and never pressured me. Then I finally said, fuck it. I know he wants it. It was very romantic. But still now I just don’t give a shit about sex. It doesn’t do anything for me. I am actually relieved when I am on my period so I don’t have to have sex. Or when I am sick. Sometimes I’ll try to go to bed early so I don’t have to have sex. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I really do enjoy it- but that’s one a blue moon. Literally. What is wrong with me? I could seriously live the rest of my life starting right now not having sex.
I feel like such a horrible person.
The only ppl above that my family knew about- or anyone really were S, D, and Carlos. Nothing else. They never told me anything about sex. I never got the birds and the bee’s story. Apparently I was the nice, innocent, obeying daughter that didn’t need to know anything. Then my sister had boyfriends in high school. My two prom dates in high school are gay now. Ya. Need I say more?
That’s most of the things- I cannot get myself to go into more detail. This here makes me upset and cry.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEE

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Well your dating world sounds similar to mine in many ways and I still would never have sex if I had a choice. I\'m sure my dad\'s abuse doesn\'t help. But I can give you some hope. The older I got the better our sex life got. I was able to relax and once we get started I actually do enjoy it almost all the times. I just don\'t initiate. Dwayne has a high sex drive so many, many compromises in 25 years of marriage. But you will get there. That\'s stuff you should definitely handle with Joanna.
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

Thanks Karin...yes we are going to talk more about it....though I on\'t know if I\'m going to be able to initiate the conversation again