Pretty down

Well journaling seems to be my outlet so I will continue. I feel like the only place I can really let my feelings out is here. In my everyday life no one understands. Unfortunatly this includes my DH. He said from the start when we saw that second line that this could end in miscarriage. There was no celebration, no "honey we're pregnant" and he insists that he would be excited when I would start to show. I can't live my life like that. And everyone else is sorry but in that way like, "well you told everyone really early"--like they could wait!  I know tons of people who told right off the bat (including my SIL and brother who announced it at like 11 DPO) and no one said anything about that. So THEY can celebrate with family and friends for 9 months but I only should get 5? It seems like it should be the other way around if it is a long process! I am just bitter and angry right now. What did I do wrong? I ate well and rested. I payed attention to my body and took HPT's practically every day. I did do some lifting at school a couple weeks ago and we had sex...like 5 days ago. BUt I  took prenatals everyday and prayed SO hard.It concerns me that both miscarriages were so sudden. There was no weaning off of symptoms--one day I am pregnant and the next morning its over. Its hard to accept when it happens like that. It wasn't the inevitable brown spotting getting heavier. It was nothing--then clots and bright red hours later. I don't know why but even more than this loss, the diagnosis of recurrent miscarriage really depresses me. What if that means I will always miscarry? I mean its great that I can get fertilized eggs to implant, but the ultimate goal is still not reached. I can't dress my little fertilized eggs and take them to the park with their big brother and sister. And I think that would make a pretty weird looking Christmas card..........haha. Laughter is the best medicine right?.....I don't feel like laughing today though--I feel like going back to bed.