Pretending...
I've come to the realization I'm pretending. I'm pretending it's okay. I'm pretending I'm moving forward (I will never be able to "move on"). I'm pretending her absence isn't eating me up EVERY...SINGLE...DAY.
I'm incredibly close to my sister. And we talk. And I know I can tell her everything. But lately I've held back. I think I'm trying to convince myself I can do this. But I think I'm pretending.
I've recently become involved with a woman. Not just a random woman that I met recently. I've known her 37 years! She was my baby's best friend. Truly best friend. And of course over the years we became friends too. Real friends. Not just someone who was friends with my wife.
And now neither of us can say how or when this happened. Because it wasn't really just one day and an event. It evolved. But holy cow it evolved quickly. She loves me. I know that. And I truly love her. Always have but obviously now in a different way. It's a good thing.
She has used the phrase "in love". I'm not sure how to respond. I fell in love 32 years ago and married my love 4 years after that. I've always been a "let's do this once" type of guy but of course I never expected this turn of events.
Her name is Carol. She's beautiful and I truly love her. She has two daughters (one 23 and one 20) that I've known loved since birth She's been divorced for the last 13 years or so and yes I've been involved (at least with all the information) with that too.
She's been hurt before (hence divorce). I'm scared I'll hurt her but of course never anything intentional.
As you can see I'm rambling. There're are just so many things that are spinning arond in my head right now. Some really good (Carol). Some not good (why the fuck is she gone? sorry).
Oh, and Carol and I are going through this lond distance relationship thing. She's in Jersey and I'm in Florida. I'm in the process of trying to get back to Jersey (it's where I'm from). That's a little overwhelming too. Gotta find a job. And not just a crappy little job.
So sorry. Rambling again. God! how do others deal with all this??
J
I'm incredibly close to my sister. And we talk. And I know I can tell her everything. But lately I've held back. I think I'm trying to convince myself I can do this. But I think I'm pretending.
I've recently become involved with a woman. Not just a random woman that I met recently. I've known her 37 years! She was my baby's best friend. Truly best friend. And of course over the years we became friends too. Real friends. Not just someone who was friends with my wife.
And now neither of us can say how or when this happened. Because it wasn't really just one day and an event. It evolved. But holy cow it evolved quickly. She loves me. I know that. And I truly love her. Always have but obviously now in a different way. It's a good thing.
She has used the phrase "in love". I'm not sure how to respond. I fell in love 32 years ago and married my love 4 years after that. I've always been a "let's do this once" type of guy but of course I never expected this turn of events.
Her name is Carol. She's beautiful and I truly love her. She has two daughters (one 23 and one 20) that I've known loved since birth She's been divorced for the last 13 years or so and yes I've been involved (at least with all the information) with that too.
She's been hurt before (hence divorce). I'm scared I'll hurt her but of course never anything intentional.
As you can see I'm rambling. There're are just so many things that are spinning arond in my head right now. Some really good (Carol). Some not good (why the fuck is she gone? sorry).
Oh, and Carol and I are going through this lond distance relationship thing. She's in Jersey and I'm in Florida. I'm in the process of trying to get back to Jersey (it's where I'm from). That's a little overwhelming too. Gotta find a job. And not just a crappy little job.
So sorry. Rambling again. God! how do others deal with all this??
J
Replies
I understand. Only because I have been there. I never thought I would date much less fall in love again. All you describe, I felt. It\'s okay, you will be okay. You are perhaps a little concerned about if you are right to live again and be happy. It\'s what your wife would want for you and her best friend. Hugs, Sharon
Jerry, I understand the mixed emotions you are having and I can honestly tell you \"been there, done that\". My theory is that are hearts are so broken with grief that they will only let in someone whom they already recognize and have love for. I am not surprised you have found comfort in your wife\'s friend, your heart recognizes her. It has so much love which no longer has a place to express itself so it found her. Of course you still love your wife, you will always love your wife. You are also facing the fact that your life will move forward without her, that there might actually be happiness and yes, dare you admit it, love on this grief journey. Forgive yourself Jerry, you are doing the best you know how. You are doing what feels right for you, when nothing in your life feels right any more. I wish you the very best. Lori
BTW, we all pretend, if we showed the world what our grief really looks like we would scare the sh*t out of them!
Thank you both. I have really close people but you never know who you can tell what.
Lori you made me cry ( you got it) and then laugh with your BTW :)
So I\'m going up to Jersey this weekend to see Carol. And while I\'m there I\'m going up to see my sister and my niece (her daughter). My niece just had a baby a month ago (her 4th) and we\'re really close and I thought it would be good to see the baby. It looks like it\'s turning into a bit of a gathering (I have a big ass family :/ ). I hope it doesn\'t scare Carol :P