press on.

Little bits of better sure do help.
Moving better today.  Me and my cane......yup, just me and my shadow strolling down the avenue. 
Does anyone else here have a definite weakness on one side of the body vs. the other that has come with illness?  Mine is definitely my left side.  A lot more pain and problems concentrate there.
Not as cold today.  YES!  This is very important.  Glad to feel the internal body temp coming back up.  Watched Heidi last night......the version with Jason Robards and Patricia O'Neal.  I needed some time in the mountains and that is a great way to go.  No packing, no waiting lines.  Just click your remote and take in the beauty of the alps. 
I read a book around Christmas time last year about a little boy who died, had an out of body experience......went to Heaven, came back and shared the experience with his Christian family.  One of the things he shared was that all the older family members he ran into were younger, seemed to  be in their thirties again.  All well, all able bodied and younger than they were when they died.  That holds a lot of appeal to me........to be healthy and sparkly, still climbing trees - skating - dancing - singing full tilt...........old enough to know better, smart enough to still play.  Lord will you know this old tired body of mine?  Sometimes I don't really get this living in a funny old crochety shell, but I continue to press on.  I want to be an indomitable old lady, not diminished........but wise and kind, funny and endearing.........I don't want to be a smarty pants, a green eyed dragon or a fool.  I want to learn to be a life jedi master.  'Cept not so athletic.........ouch, ouch, ouch just thinking about it.
I want to be smooth like good road, I want to find delight always in little things. 
Last night I watched an old film from the 40's.  Natalie Wood as a little girl starring in "Driftwood".  She was suddenly orphaned, her great grand father of a preacher in a desolate backwater town had just died.  She sure did know her Bible.  In a very literal sense. When she saw an aeroplane burst into flames (when it crashed near her in the mountains) she was certain it was Beelzebub Hisself. In one scene our little ragamuffin is in a big old claw foot tub getting her ears scrubbed........but good.  She is fascinated with the warm snow surrounding her........the beautiful white warm snow........yup, that 's what she calls the bubbles.  Love that idea..........next time I am cold I want to remember that image.......soft warm snow bubbles.
I reckon it will take me twenty years or better to work on all the kinks..........thinking about something my ex said to me.......during the house tour on Thanksgiving Day.  He said, "I figure this will be the forever house, you know......the last house we ever buy.  Figure that we'll have another twenty years or so and then they'll be rolling me out of here in a box..........."
I had to laugh.........said, "Doc, you just shot right through two or three more decades and left ya'lls beautiful brand new place in a pine box all in the space of one lickety split sentence...................slow down, enjoy the ride!"
But yeah, I also told him that I get it.......we look at life differently now.  We anticipate different things.  Even the anticipation is different.......it's quieter now. Feels like the tide is going out, life is ebbing....his parents are both still here, but a lot of struggle & changes with their health and strength......and my own parents have been gone a while now.
Grandpa had given me a hug and then he whispered really loudly to Grandma,"Who's that girl?"   She said,"It's Ruth, you know Ruth"......and to me she said, "He knows You"........I told her I understand, not to worry.  She said it again, more softly this time, "He knows you" and peered up into his face as she patted his hand.  It was more like she was talking to herself at that point.  To reassure herself that it is still him, that he's still present, that he's still inside himself most of the time. I hugged on Grandma a lot.......she's so precious. They all are.......
It's such a mix.......her husband is slipping away more and more each day and she is so tiny and frail.  The first time I met Grandpa was a trip.  I was nervous to meet my Southern Baptist Preacher of a father in law.  He looked a lot like Clint Eastwood........and it's hard to think of "Dirty Harry" as a heart of gold preacher with a wife (he's crazy about) and four amazing kids..........still makes me laugh.
Within that mix of emotions comes some coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking.  My ex, Doc, is a good man.......he's been a good friend to me and a great father to his children.  I told him he would feel reinvigorated when our two & his step daughter have some small fry, there is a lot more fun on the way and if they don't indulge us soon, we'll all find ways to adopt or rent some grand kids.......my daughter says this kind of talk is TOO WEIRD!  RENTING grand kids, AS IF.....!  Sara will be 26 in March and Sam is 32 & a half......they are not in any rush as they say.........so there ya go. 
Renting seems like a viable option to me. 
Time to flip a coin, heads for breakfast, tails for back to bed.  Where is the butler in the tuxedo, you know, the haughty straight laced tight lipped white glove wearing dude who brings in the trays to the richie riches earlye in the morning?   Need him to bring me a tray........with a fresh rose bud, fragrant steaming hot tea and delicious tempting morsels.  Can't decide what to call him?  Jeeves is so overdone.............Reginald or Poindexter perhaps?  Oswald or maybe simply a last name?  Highgate or Master Leeds..............I need FOOD.  Who stole my delicate little bell???????????????????? 
Glad to be back in my own little corner, in my own little chair.......to dream whatever I want to dream. (yes... from Cinderella...............lots of love........always remember that out of the ashes comes a tiny bit of green.........there is always hope.......always.)