Pregnant, but still infertile
Tomorrow I will be 15 weeks pregnant with twins, but I am still in such utter denial and nothing about it feels real. My past bad experiences still cloud my head and make me feel like I am lying about it. I used to dream about what it would actually be like to be pregnant and be able to tell people and enjoy and celebrate the news. I don't event want to tell anyone bc I am so afraid that something will happen and I will have to take it back. My close family and friends know now, but I probably wouldn't have said anything at all if it wasn't at the insistence of my mom and partner- understandably, they were very ready to tell people. The people who do know keep asking me when the formal announcement is going out to everyone- I cannot even imagine sending out an announcement at this point. I keep waiting for it to get better. I thought it would happen at 10 weeks, then 12, then 14, but now all of those have come and gone, and it still feels fake. And deep down inside, I know that if something bad were to happen during this pregnancy, I will have to start with the full infertility treatment crap all over again. I will say that at least the panic and anxiety has decreased immensely, and now it is just straight up paranoia that things are not progressing correctly inside of me. The other day I had even worked up a story in my head that my Dr was avoiding telling me some bad news from some genetic testing results and was just letting me go along thinking that everything was ok- every time I think I can't lose it anymore, I come up with something a little more crazy in my head... But seriously, other than the 4 pounds that I have gained, I have no way of knowing that there are 2 humans growing inside of me. I guess the PTSD from infertility really did a number on me and I am trying to find some way to cope with it. So for now I will just sit here and wait and hope that these weeks go by a little faster...
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Geez, I can completely relate to this. I didn\'t think I was pregnant (despite gaining huge amounts of weight!) for the first 20 weeks. I now have a healthy 10 month old. We are doing another round of FET and I still get funny about other people\'s pregnancy announcements...like, that part of my life will never go away. Good luck for the next 20 odd weeks...hopefully you can get your head around it and find some peace.
I fear that this would happen to me to. That I would just be in denial and not really be able to enjoy it. I\'m sorry you\'re feeling this way.
Thanks for the supportive words, ladies- I really needed to hear them and not feel so alone and crazy. I have several people around me right now who are pregnant too and they seem so at peace with it. I can\'t even imagine what that is like at this point. I had an ultrasound this morning and was practically in tears on the table because it just looked like there were some baby cat skeletons on the screen- like the kind they find on the tv show \"Hoarders\" when the crazy hoarder lady has so much crap in her house that she doesn\'t even know her cat had kittens and they die. She was finally able to get them focused and they looked more like babies, but for a moment, I was sure there was something wrong. My brain is just wrong right now, that\'s the problem...
Oh Hun, shame. I am feeling so much for you right now. People always say that pregnancy should be such a joyous time, but those people obviously didn\'t go through infertility. People don\'t get it. I think that if you are lucky enough to get through infertility and have a baby, you seem to go through a period of shock and anxiety afterwards. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? How does your partner feel about it all? Really hoping for some peace for you.
Ugh, I probably need to find a therapist. I just never realized that this part would be so hard. I thought once I peed on a stick and saw that little line come up, that I would be able to enter pregnancy bliss and move on with life-like in those commercials. My partner and family have been extremely supportive and have done an amazing job supporting me- I have no idea how they have managed to deal with my insanity. I am hoping that some of this is also my hormones- I have never been so unbalanced in my whole life! Coming on here and talking and venting and hearing that others have had similar experiences though has helped me immensely- DS has really been a godsend for me and I am so glad I found it and everyone on here :)