Practising
I have a lot of Vistaril saved up, over 400 pills.
I took 6 the other night to see what it would do to me.
It knocked me out pretty good, so I think that taking
several hundred may kill me. I can't keep going like I
am. I have to stop living in this hell. I can't keep working
and I can't be homeless.
I know a guy who got on disability even tho he's perfectly
capable of working. He had been on it 20 years ago and
reapplied and they didn't even ASK him if he was capable
of working now. It makes me so fucking angry, it's so unfair.
He asked me how I'm doing and I told him terrible, since I
got turned down for disability and he said "hang tough". I
was so angry at that, how dare he? Hang tough? Really?
Coming from him it was extremely insulting.
I have said it over and over and over and over and over.
I CAN'T KEEP WORKING AND I CAN'T BE HOMELESS.
The only thing I can do is kill myself. It's the only way out.
I'm getting closer and closer to being able to swallow all
those pills. The people at the disability office know I am
suicidal and they don't care. They'd give it to a jerk who
can work but not to me.
I need to live with someone who loves me. Someone who
will take care of me. But I've been saying that since I was
a very young child. I never got it as a child and I haven't
gotten it as an adult. But it's the only thing that will save
my life. I keep praying, begging and screaming for help.
But none comes. I think god is very very cruel. How could
god have given me to parents that were fucking monsters?
God knew how my life would turn out, why force me to go
through it? God is an evil being. When I die I will ask god
WHY? Did my intense suffering really serve a purpose? If
so I am deeply resentful that god chose ME to do the suffering.
I think 400 Vistaril will do the trick. Everyone says to hang
on, I've BEEN hanging on for 52 fucking years, enough is
enough. I can't take anymore. I need a miracle and none
comes. I have to get up the guts to end this nightmare.
I took 6 the other night to see what it would do to me.
It knocked me out pretty good, so I think that taking
several hundred may kill me. I can't keep going like I
am. I have to stop living in this hell. I can't keep working
and I can't be homeless.
I know a guy who got on disability even tho he's perfectly
capable of working. He had been on it 20 years ago and
reapplied and they didn't even ASK him if he was capable
of working now. It makes me so fucking angry, it's so unfair.
He asked me how I'm doing and I told him terrible, since I
got turned down for disability and he said "hang tough". I
was so angry at that, how dare he? Hang tough? Really?
Coming from him it was extremely insulting.
I have said it over and over and over and over and over.
I CAN'T KEEP WORKING AND I CAN'T BE HOMELESS.
The only thing I can do is kill myself. It's the only way out.
I'm getting closer and closer to being able to swallow all
those pills. The people at the disability office know I am
suicidal and they don't care. They'd give it to a jerk who
can work but not to me.
I need to live with someone who loves me. Someone who
will take care of me. But I've been saying that since I was
a very young child. I never got it as a child and I haven't
gotten it as an adult. But it's the only thing that will save
my life. I keep praying, begging and screaming for help.
But none comes. I think god is very very cruel. How could
god have given me to parents that were fucking monsters?
God knew how my life would turn out, why force me to go
through it? God is an evil being. When I die I will ask god
WHY? Did my intense suffering really serve a purpose? If
so I am deeply resentful that god chose ME to do the suffering.
I think 400 Vistaril will do the trick. Everyone says to hang
on, I've BEEN hanging on for 52 fucking years, enough is
enough. I can't take anymore. I need a miracle and none
comes. I have to get up the guts to end this nightmare.
Replies
Please go to the hospital emergency room. You will be safe from harming yourself and you will get the attention you need. Please do not hurt yourself.
Reading this entry, I\'m very concerned for you. You do not deserve to have this pain in your life. I don\'t know what else to say other than to echo what Heather has said above. Please go get help.
I have ten years on ya and am still hanging on. I would not stoop so low as to take my life. I wouldn\'t do it to my family and I wouldn\'t do it to myself. You have talking this way for quite a while now. I don\'t know where you live but here there are several options. There is a women\'s shelter, emergency housing, many churchs that reach out and help people, big organizations pitch in and help people, and even organizations like Salvation Army and such In your area may have some ideas. You are dealing with an illness right? Can\'t you get on SSD or some community assistance? I would check. Life is too good to give up on it. Maybe people aren\'t all you\'d like them to be right now but what about animals and nature? Check it out!
Heretic, I don\'t want to encourage you to die but I hear you about the hell of your life and your wish to escape it. Hugs.
Go on a long walk and re connect with nature, read a book, watch something funny, talk to a good friend, listen to some music, write down all the good things in your life. Go get help if those things don\'t help you feel better about yourself
I can\'t say anything but
HUGS
Please go to the ER and tell them your feelings. They can help you and get you help. I may not know you well at all but I do care. Life is not fair and hasn\'t been to me either. I am here if you want to talk. Please don\'t harm yourself.