prayer

But Why... Can't I pray about this?  Why can't I turn things over like I used to when I was younger.  Why do I hold this FMSCFS to me like a baby or a treasure when it is poison?  Why? Why can't I just put it in your hands and trust that you will carry things for a while?THen I could think about something else besides the pain.  The fatigue...When the house will be clean again.  When I'll ever lose the weight I gained last year.Will I ever get better again?  Will I ever be able to work full time?  Is this forever?  it wasn't before... Before it used to come in waves and there were times of rest, and I managed.  and I handled it , or I turned it over.  And I was able to give so much time to other people.       It seems like these days the pain and fatigue stations static out all other stions so thsat even when I get someone elses signal I can't reemember what the message was  a few minutes later and All I can think of is this stinkin situation and how it is keeping  mem chained to the couch, the recliner, as the laundry pilesunwashed, here; unfolded there, unhung there...  I can't even work in my office anymore.  I couldn't life the piles to move them and sort them.  I need a housecleaner.  A girl Friday - I had one of those once.  She was a marvel - could do anything - for 10 bucks an hour.  Gosh I miss her.  She was a rock. How can I heal when I can't let go?When I can't pray properly because I am constantly disrracted by the poin, or by the restrictions or roadblocks the pain  and weakness has caused... I get it.  In short moments of clarity I can see what is happening.  Call it what you will. Spiritually, I get it,  the evil one, or I,  am using my illness to keep me from my relationship with God, to block my intimacy with my Father.  Crafty that.  To so focus my thoughts inwardly that I cannot think outwardly at all.  aiting for rescue?  I kinda thought I got over that fantasy oh so many years ago... Clinically, I get it - I'm self obsessing - because of the pain, the fatigue, the burn out of my last job and caretaking then getting hit with the CFIDS after 14 years of FMS.  Or I'm turning inward because the load I'm bearing is too heavy for the amount of energy I am alloted - caring for my mom as she ages and through each illness, caring for a household, a congregation, supposedly carrying out strategic planning and casting visions in my work, when getting from the bed and into the shower and dressed puts me back  horizontal again. I must be honest. I've had some good days.  And the bad has only been 2 years.  THe Fibro only seemd bad for the first 12 years... then the Chronic Fatigue hit and that showed me what bad was like. I'd always been told my FMS was mild to moderate before and was grateful - I could work.  I had to stop some activities but not everything.  There were even times when I could be fairly avtive.  Stay healthy slim, pretty.  dance, hike, go to county fairs. Other times I coudn't do squat.  But those times wereflares.  bracketed by beginnings and ends.  with times between that I called remissions. Now in 2 years there have been no remissions.  Only a handful of times where it wasn't so bad.  When the pain was being well managed and the viruses were under control.Those times I was able to site see with friends who came to the island - tho I would pay the price later. - but at least I could go - to the swap meet, to the refuge or the falls or the cove.   But when the Doctor refused to prescribe my pain meds in July - well that's when the slippery slope just started to get sliperier (that cannot be a word) I scrimped and doled out my vicodin (which I had used carefully but not stingily in the past I always filled my rx which was for 4 a day but only used when needed so there were always bottles around - I never imagined being eithout.  I even gave them away when friends injured themselves.     I never went over the maximum dosage - I never had a withdrawal issue - if I didn't need I didn't take)  I did the same with the flexeril.   But after a year in Hawaii I was running out of my old rx from my doctors in Cali - from before I'd moved. (Here now 1.5 years)  So there I am with less than 15 pills inAugust - cause for the life of me I can't find any Doctors who understand FMS or CFIDS or who treat chronic pain that i could see this year.  ARRGH Finally  Last September when my super active friends were here visiting I used all but 1 vicodin giong snorlkeling and shoing them around - It was the most fun I've had in 2 years - the most I've felt like the me I used to be - but it used up the rest of my carefully scimped and saved stash - except for one - saved for an emergency(whatever that means)  - and one that i found in my car yesterday (Hurrah!)  So Since Sept 12 it's been painkkiller free - other than the systemic things like cymbalta, topomax atc which dont touch the day to day intense pain. And my experience is - if you don't hit the pain right away with whatever works in your system - for me vicodin , or vicodin and a muscli relaxant- or in a horror flare oxycodone and vicodin, It grows and grows into a pain monster (and for me cramps and spasms that I don't have unless my pain goes uncecked for over a week) - which then feeds the fatigue and self pity and self loathing and fear, depression, hopelessness, spiritual fog, and viola. Here I am. Now 2 things. I can make things better by breaking into this cycle by praying better - I have to find a way - I AM CERTAIN IT WILL HAVE TO BE THROUGH JOURNALING (oopsie)  because it is the only way my thoughts ever seem to come out anywhere near clear - after circling around for pages...  And I will ask for the prayers of my prayer warrior friends.  I have been the object of spiritual warfare before and have been hit physically before - just not like this.  this was sneaky.  the other times were more obvious.   Always hits when I am working against an apathetic group in a congregation that is holdiong the entire congregation from moving ahead and doing their mission and ministry.  Well - that is what mym job is ALL about here in Hawaii.  WowTotal Moment of Clarity.  No Wonder I've been so ill - and with so much fog and pain and so many new neurological symptoms, so much aphasia - especially in meetings. Got worst when I declared a month of prayer to determine our new direction and discover what we needed to release to get started...  Hmmm. The powers that be don't like to let go of apathy do they...Well, well, well. praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord for he has rescued me from the mouth of the lion of dispair. Funny - I got a text from a friend last night saying - God mad me start praying for your health hard.  Are you ok?  I didn't answer - she knows how I am - Now I know what she was praying against.  I was low yesterday - and hopeless. Well - I will turn that over to my God.And the pain - I cannot control the doctors in Hawaii.  But I will attempt to reason with them.  Meanwhile I will pray. And I will Rejoice.Philippians 4:4-7 (NKJV) 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.