Post Depression Depression

 I've recently been able to finally gain control of my depressed moods. I think its been about a month now since I've fallen into a deep depression. In my last journal entry I explained how I accomplished this with positive thinking and figuring out what type of thoughts were sending me into depression and stopping those thoughts. However I believe I've come back to square one. The same place that sent me down the road to depression before.
 All of my life I've been socially phobic. In some times of my life my social anxiety disorder was worse than other times. I don't believe I have a severe case of SAD but it is formidable enough to keep me living somewhat like a hermit, a turtle in its shell. Life is strange for a person with SAD. Human beings are social creatures and we need social contact with others in order to be content with life but I fear social interactions and need them at the same time. I feel very lonely at times but at the same time I want to be alone. I know that if I go to a party or family gathering I will be overcome with fear at some point then I become quiet as a mouse. I can't contribute to the conversations because my mind is blank other than a sense of fear and wanting to leave.
 My depression started seven years ago. I've been married since 1987 and my wife was for the most part my entire social life. At some point I was very unhappy in my marriage. My wife and I got along like a couple of siblings who just argue all the time. It's a very very long story but I was close with my niece. She was like a daughter to me. I have no kids of my own. At some point I became very attached to my niece and it seemed like she was the solution to all my problems. We became co-dependent. My wife became very jealous of the relationship so my niece stopped talking to me. I was totally emotionally destroyed. Loosing my niece was not what caused my depression. My feelings of depression began when I became too attached to my niece. My emotional dependence on her was the beginning of my depression. I still don't understand why.
 My niece is in the Army now and she'll be 25 soon. We don't talk at all anymore but I think everything is OK between us. However, when I hear her name or if I hear anything about her it still feels like a punch in the stomach.
 So now I'm back to my old routine. For the most part I live alone. My wife left me after I fell into this terrible depression years ago but she lives next door with her mom. My shyness still has a lot of control over me and I still have a sense of loneliness. I talk with family members on Facebook everyday but it doesn't seem like a good substitute for a social life. 
 I don't believe I'm going to loose my battle with depression but I need to figure out how to get out of this place. This lifestyle is what sent me toward depression in the first place



It\'s gutting losing friends and family and my depression has alienated me, or I\'ve alienated myself. I recently lost some friends and it really hurts, but I\'m trying to learn from my mistakes. It\'s sad your wife felt threatened. We have social phobia support groups, it\'s really funny, I built up the courage to go along and we all just sat there ignoring each other. The leader had social phobia too and didn\'t even say hello lol. I decided I was better than that surely?? CBT helped a lot with that, but it\'s scary, but for what it\'s worth I think it really does work. All the best : )

Positive thoughts are powerful. I enjoyed a book by Joyce Meyers called Battlefield of the Mind. Just thought I would share that with you. Gentle Hug