Post-Birthday Depression

Things seem to get more difficult each day. My suicide ideology has become more intense and I feel like acting on it. I am sad. I am in so much debt I don't know what to do. I can't find a job for some reason and that's making me more angry. I want to escape and become someone different somewhere else. I see it happen, I see that people flee the country and they are able to start over. I wish I had the guts to do that. I think that I am doing poorly in school and I can only hope to improve that since it is the only thing I have to do at the time being. I am so tired, all of the time. I think it has got to be a mixture of my depression and my medications. I need to see Dr Park and try to reduce these meds so I can act somewhat normally and less lethargic. I am supposed to be reading for class but i am too distracted and figured I would journal for a while.
 
I wonder what the impact would really be on the lives of people that know me if I were to kill myself. Would my parents be able to move on or would they both fall into a deep depression as well. What about Luke. To loose a brother would have to be incredibly difficult. My botchie (grandmother) would never forget my birthday and for some reason she never even sent a card. I used to write her notes, but she stopped responding and thus I stopped writing. It would be nice to have an illness that would end in death in the near future. Right now I have nothing to look forward to. What do I do? I hope I get a card from her soon, it would break my heart if she forgot or simply didn't send a card or a phone call. I'm 24 now, I cant believe it. It is so old to still be in school and living at home. I feel disgusted and angry at myself.
 
I am tired, but I have to get back to my reading for this afternoon.
 
Goodnight moon.