Poetic Justice
"Love anything, and your heart will surely be wrung. And possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness, but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. it will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable...irredeemable. To love at all is to be vulnerable."
This quote resonated with me more than it probably should have. My first two relationships, I put a whole lot of myself into. I lost my individuality in trying to become what I thought they wanted. In the end, MY personality showed itself in the worse ways. Through a combination of angry outbursts and a few unfaithful indiscretions, I lost them to the darkest parts of myself. I promised myself that I wouldn't hurt anyone that I cared about again. At this point, I got my eye on a girl. And she's PERFECT for me. Besides distance, everything is perfect. She's always there for me, and she ignites parts inside me that I haven't been in contact with in a long time. And of course, I'm SO attracted.
I'm just scared of hurting her. I'm a tough bitch. Life has thrown me a fair share of curve balls. I'm definitely not afraid of a girl hurting me. But I'm awful to people I'm in relationships with! Like, I don't have that voice in my head that tells me when things aren't okay. It never says, "Hey Heather, you're in a relationship, don't kiss that random bar slut." If I was in a relationship, it would take all my willpower to not do the things that normal people would know better to do.
There are some serious issues here. I know this girl is totally into me too. Valentine's Day was magical for me, thanks to her. I just don't trust myself to do the right thing when I'm supposed to. I know it'd be hard. But for her, I'd be willing to try. It'd be a lot easier if she wasn't 2000 miles away..
C.S. Lewis was right. "To love at all is to be vulnerable."
This quote resonated with me more than it probably should have. My first two relationships, I put a whole lot of myself into. I lost my individuality in trying to become what I thought they wanted. In the end, MY personality showed itself in the worse ways. Through a combination of angry outbursts and a few unfaithful indiscretions, I lost them to the darkest parts of myself. I promised myself that I wouldn't hurt anyone that I cared about again. At this point, I got my eye on a girl. And she's PERFECT for me. Besides distance, everything is perfect. She's always there for me, and she ignites parts inside me that I haven't been in contact with in a long time. And of course, I'm SO attracted.
I'm just scared of hurting her. I'm a tough bitch. Life has thrown me a fair share of curve balls. I'm definitely not afraid of a girl hurting me. But I'm awful to people I'm in relationships with! Like, I don't have that voice in my head that tells me when things aren't okay. It never says, "Hey Heather, you're in a relationship, don't kiss that random bar slut." If I was in a relationship, it would take all my willpower to not do the things that normal people would know better to do.
There are some serious issues here. I know this girl is totally into me too. Valentine's Day was magical for me, thanks to her. I just don't trust myself to do the right thing when I'm supposed to. I know it'd be hard. But for her, I'd be willing to try. It'd be a lot easier if she wasn't 2000 miles away..
C.S. Lewis was right. "To love at all is to be vulnerable."
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