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I have had a terrible experience on Facebook with The Compassionate Friends - Loss to Suicide. I made a short post yesterday and received several responses, none really that helpful, but a lot of times I don't really need advice I just need to get my feelings out which is why I journal so much on here.
This morning I found the last response to my post and I was very offended by it. The writer seemed to be very subtly criticising me, my spiritual beliefs, and my grief journey. Like I said she was very subtle and wrote it in such a way that she was telling me how she did things the RIGHT way and even hinted that she refused to let the grief from the loss of her son be all about her and that I was making my grief all about me. I don't even understand what that means. When you have lost your child and you are having a painful day, what else is it about??? Should you try to distract yourself from your pain by thinking about flowers??? Well, that's not me! I knew from the beginning that whenever the waves of pain hit, I would ride them out. I might reach out for support, but I would FEEL every single drop of the pain. My daughter lived. She mattered. She is worth it. I also believe if you try to avoid your feelings or suppress your pain it will come back stronger than ever. That's me. That's my journey.
I told her what I felt about her "advice" and that my journey was my own and not to comment on my posts anymore.
Later, I admit I started wondering if I had overreacted and maybe even read judgement into her response that she didn't intend. I was actually going to copy and paste both of our posts here and ask for your opinions. I am the first to admit it is hard to speak to a grieving mother, People can say really stupid things without realising it. But this was another grieving mother!!! Who came across as very bossy and condescending. So I logged onto facebook this afternoon to a communication from one of the administrators that I was the one who had been out of line and that she had deleted both posts. So now that she deleted the posts I can't even report the situation to Facebook. I "unjoined" the group, but I am so angry. That group was supposed to be a safe place where you could express what you were going through without judgement and I felt very judged. First when the other mother tried to school me, in my opinion, then when I was called out by the Administrator. All I can think of is that this administrator and the mother were personal friends...it blew my mind that the mother had even spoke to me the way she did, and then I was told I was wrong for standing up for myself!!! I rarely even posted to that page but late at night when I can't sleep I like going to the various groups and talk to anyone needing an ear. I even have my personal cell number in the About section of my home page for ANYONE that wants to talk.
The worst thing about this experience, which should not have upset me as much as it has, is that it makes me question myself. I am very passionate and outspoken about ALL of my beliefs but I have tried to never let anything come between me and a fellow grieving mother. I feel that the bond created in that shared experience is stronger than any other and my relationships with women I truly consider my "sisters" are way too important to be broken. This woman crossed a line in questioning my grief journey, and it felt like she was questioning my abilties as a mother. I'm not saying that is what she intended, but it's what I felt. I am still Cassi's mother and will viciously defend my role as her mother in life as well as death. I felt like she was calling me a bad mother...my child committed suicide...it's not like I don't question myself every single day and carry more guilt than you can imagine. So for someone that doesn't know me and did not know my child to insinuate that I am a bad mother, when it's my biggest fear that I was, just sent me over the edge. A hundred people that actually knew us and knew our relationship can tell me what a great mother I was but with that tiny grain of doubt deep within my soul it only takes one cruel remark to bring up all the guilt in the world.
I have been in many arguments on social media lately, mostly about politics, but like I said I try my best to keep that seperate from my grieving Mom community, which is more important. However there have been times when I have driven others to unbelievable anger without understanding what I had said that was so bad. So, it makes me question myself and my reactions. It makes me question whether or not I am too self-centered to fully appreciate the effect I can have on others. I haven't gotten this upset over any political argument, but because of the frequency of them in recent days, I wonder if I DID go too far in this situation. I want your opinions, but it will be hard because, like I said, the administrator deleted the posts and I can't remember enough to repeat them, I only remember the feelings.
I want honest opinions, even constructive criticism if offered in combination with kindness and with specific instructions on how I might become a better person, a stronger yet kinder person, and of course ANYTHING that might gently nudge me along in my grief journey. I really, really need to hear from you guys because I trust your input and I am in a confused state of mind right now not knowing if I should be mad as hell or finding a way to embrace more humility and fall on my sword.
Replies
I am so messed up in the way I deal with everything... I have been for a long time... but at the end of the day... and even though I'm 60 my health makes me feel I might not live so long... or I might... I don't know... but no matter... what I'm trying to say... I've decided its okay for me to be me... to define for myself how I should grieve... and to make mistakes... sometimes major fuck ups... and the people who want to disrespect me for that... what is that compared to the pain we live with always... hurts but by comparison... so guess I'm telling you what to do... but truly in the kindest most sincere wanting good for you way... Certainly write about it... cry if you need to... if you want to call me and we'll call the lady 7 kinds of yeah... Its okay... you are doing the best you can each and every day and the people who truly love you will still love you,,, That includes me :)
Gina, I believe that as grieving mothers we all have the ability to be hyper sensitive. I sure as hell know I am and yes, there are times when innocent comments send me right over the edge of my sanity BUT no matter what, I am shattered, grieving and broken and if someone can't deal with it, then so be it. The woman who attempted to school you (and I really like that phrase!) showed no respect for YOU. I think we are mature women all have the ability to subtly attempt to insult someone or, by simply saying what they did right, really saying what we did wrong and we know it. Her choice was narrowminded, insulting and offensive and she of all people, being a grieving mother herself, should've known better!
No my friend, you did nothing wrong and especially with the admin's response tells me that they are attempting to create and control a very narrow cliche - and having such defenseless people as we, is shameful!
You did nothing wrong. Our hypersensitivity is hell and our lifelong grief is a special kind of hell, and here at least, we understand.
Be strong lady. You know in your heart you were the perfect Mom for your precious, perfect daughter - and in your moment of doubt, get out your can of "whoop ass" and unleash it on the ignorant self absorbed people - or at least picture it and chuckle!
serious hugs, Merrilee
Gina, your grief IS yours and it's meant only for YOU to unpack as gently or as furiously as you need to. I have no doubt that this mom was uncomfortable with your grief so rather than allowing you simply to BE with it, she was sharing what has helped her. Yet this is her path and it is not yours and you don't need to absorb anything from anyone that does not feel like your truth.
Just as Merrilee said we are wearing our insides on the outside most days and are sensitive. That's okay and it's just as Glennon calls us, we are the "canaries" of the world. The ones who warn others of the toxins that most perhaps cannot even sense and the world needs more canaries. As we know there is no "right or wrong" way and what matters is that YOU are making your way, Gina's way and taking little bits of what you might read and hear and seeing if it feels like a fit and if it doesn't then letting it go.
I'm sorry that you encountered this in a place where you should have felt safe to share, yet it's a risk when we do decide to put ourselves out there, I believe. I know that I have said things along the way that were not received in the way that I had intended and have offended and hurt others. It's part of being in these messy and cumbersome earth suits and truly if we don't let others know how they are coming across they may have no idea. Perhaps before the thread was taken down that woman will have read what she said and realize how her words came across. I'm hoping so...
I'll get my steel toe boots out too to go along with the can of whoop ass! Nothing like the collective that is here to show up in force.
Grateful you journaled about it and knew where to come. Your title caught my eye and I trusted our sisters would be on it and they are.
Tight heartfelt (((hugs))) Cassi's mom.
XO Joanie
We as grieving moms, are part of a unique club. A club that none of us asked to be a part of nor dobany of us want to remain a member of. As an individual, we are all different, and thankfully we are all unique as is our grief. We all have ourbstruggles, we all grieve differently, juat as we all love differently. I have had many bad days, some worse. I have days where I'm not even sure I'm a sane person. How the hell can i be sane when my heart is in pieces, so many pieces glue can't hold me together.
Your journey is yours, one that only you can make, in your own way at your own pace.
Be well, be safe, and be yourself! ❤
Wow, this is yet again another example of the "intolerance" I've heard about within that group. It's a shame. Here at FMO, we've always tried our best....as leaders and members....to create a SAFE place to vent it all out and share our deepest, craziest, and most painful moments and experiences of child loss....and our life journeys in general as we're able. And even here, there have been times when one mom will write something and it gets feathers all riled up. I KNOW I've riled some feathers, and had mine riled more than once! I had to realize that just because we're all grieving moms, we're still all human beings and with that goes a lot of crazy ass shit. We're not all best friends, and in truth, outside of grief, there are some that we just don't have anything else in common with, and "on the outside" would most likely NOT be friends. But it's our pain that binds up together and makes us truly, deeply care about each other. My only issue is when anyone "attacks" another, purposely causes pain, or flat out lies. There is NO space here, or anywhere in my opinion, for attacking anyone's character, or "mothering" skills (or lack thereof). All we can, and all we should do, is offer what we have found to work best for us in our own situation and then allow the other to absorb or disregard anything or everything we've shared. It's called respect. And it's gone missing in America unfortunately.
I've also learned, the more honest I am with my feeling and beliefs, the more criticisms and judgements I receive. For me, that's OK, because my spirit is strong and although I too second guess myself, there is ALWAYS that voice of Spirit reminding me I do NOTHING from a place of hatred or wishing harm to anyone....even in my anger. I am as flawed and mixed up and messed up as any human, but one thing I know that I know that I know......I AM A GOOD PERSON WITH A GOOD HEART AND I AM TRULY DOING MY VERY BEST EARTHSIDE. And that's good enough for me.
When I started this horrific grief journey, I knew my ONLY hope of survival was sharing it.....all of it....for as long as I needed. And I did. And 99% of the time, my sharing was received in love, compassion, and understanding....and I guess most of all, tolerance.
I remember several moms joining FB early on and playing games. It blew my mind that they had any interest whatsoever in those things. I just couldn't understand it. I know now it was their escape, their way of dealing with the pain that was just too much to handle. And it was their right way! But me, oh hell no....I needed a space I could yell and cry and vent and curse in freely, and as often as needed. I sometimes journaled 5-10 times a day. That was what I needed. No doubt some would see my posts and say, "damn, there she goes again", LOL....and that's OK!
I haven't always understood the choices some moms have made....but it is not for me to understand! It is for me to LOVE! It is for me to show respect! It is for me to offer an ear and a shoulder, and IF there be any advice or life experience I can share that is helpful, it is for me to share....without judgement!
As far as the political mess America is facing, SHAME ON US ALL! Every time I see a post....about either candidate....that is disrespectful, childish, rude, insulting (as in those cartoon or photoshoped pictures with captions that were NEVER said, in situations that NEVER happened) it just makes my blood boil. I have friends on BOTH sides posting crazy stuff about the candidate they are not voting for and it seems to me, it's always blown out of proportion solely to insult the candidate. There is NOTHING posted (and I'm referring to what I've seen on FB) about either candidate which simple states a fact about that candidate WITHOUT insulting to the maximum degree the other candidate. Where is the respect? I actually do not believe either candidate ever sees, approves, or even knows about 99.9% of the stuff posted on FB. And I HIGHLY doubt even 1/10 of 1% of it is even true. Yet, people continue to post, get pissed off, and further divide our country. This is just MY belief and thoughts on this touchy subject. I don't care who wins. I don't care who anyone votes for. I'm just sick to death of the childish bickering and slanderous posts. The world is laughing at us, and I totally agree.....America has lost her ever-loving mind!
Now, do I think you're overly sensitive. Perhaps. At times. In some situations. So am I. So are we all. Do I think it was right for those in that group to have responded as they did.....hell no. What should have happened, in my opinion, was a private message between the parties with the full intent of finding common ground, understanding "rules of the group", listening, with open minds and hearts, to the thoughts and opinions of the others, and then coming up with a solution to the issue. If we aren't allowed the chance to speak our hearts and minds, and aren't willing to listen with compassion, where does that leave us???
I, personally, would not dwell on what these two people think or thought. Just take the experience for what it was, two people who don't know, and didn't care to know YOU, and continue to walk YOUR path.
You ARE a sensitive being! And how awesome that you are!!! Being that special, uniquely sensitive soul, you have and will again, be hurt by humans. I'm sorry for that. But don't you ever, ever, ever, stop being you!!!
Well, I've rattled on here for a while now, so I guess I better close before your eyes bug out from reading, LOL. Just know you are precious, caring, intelligent, and you ARE on YOUR right path, regardless what anyone else thinks!
I love you girl!
Love to Cassi!
Gina, as everyone has said this is your journey and however you decide to follow the path is your choice. You said it best try to always keep kindness first. Understanding so well your thoughts. Peace, Kathy
You are a special person, remember that. We each have our own way of doing things and grief is just one of the things we understand and do in our own way and time. Go easy on yourself, do not beat yourself up over words. We each pick each other up, and will continue to that. Now do you feel better getting it all out? Now throw away those awful doubts and continue on.
Tight Tight Hugs
Penny
Hi Gina. I learned a long time ago that we are on our own journey. What works for me may or may not work for you. However some people believe that their way is the only way. That their way of grieving is the 'right' and only way. I met a mom who said "Well, you just gotta get on with it' - her advice for me. Her way was not my way. I was just flabbergasted and bit my tongue.
I don't believe any mother has a right to criticize another mother. I don't know what she means by 'making it all about you'. I guess I am making it all about me. Losing Lisa has affected every fibre of my being. As for criticizing your spirituality. To me that is not her business. Just because I don't express my spirituality the way someone else does certainly doesn't make my way wrong or their's right. I think that mom has a very narrow view of grieving. She probably thought she was being helpful. She was not. You are doing what you need to do. You know what is best for you. I don't think I would want to be part of that group. I am sure there are some caring wonderful people there and that works for them. One other thing I dislike is the phrase "You should ......"
Please be kind to yourself. As far as I am concerned, you did the right thing by letting her know how you felt. We are here for you. I agree with Penny "Go easy on yourself". If you are sensitive, that is just fine! The sensitive people hurt more than a lot of us. We should be careful with our words. If I say anything that upsets you, please let me know.
Tight hugs always, M
You are Gina...intelligent, strong, sensitive, intitutive and loving... Mother of your beautiful, wonderful and big-hearted Cassi...You are her memory keeper and guardian of her heart and dreams. THIS IS NOW YOUR JOURNEY to take and I know that you will follow the path that has heart, as that is what a mother does. (matters not if a grieving mother or not, in my opinion). Please don't doubt yourself, and if you ever find you have made a mis-judgement or a mistake on this journey, be gentle with yourself. It is a rough road and we all stumble and lose our way at times...sometimes we need to slow down, or rest along the way, before continuing on with our journey.
Love Love Love, you
Ann
Grief is such a personal journey and there is no right or wrong way to "do this." I am so sorry you experienced this. Of course this is about us! We are moms whose child has died and we hurt!! In addition to guilt and grieving all our child will not get to experience, we just plain miss them! In reaching out you should be supported, validated. That's what we need! That's what we get here at FMO, thank goodness.. Hugs, Linda