Please, no more

   Oh, god. HEre we go.    Tomorrow's a big day; J is taking time off from work to take our daughter and three of her little friends to the Bug Fair at the museum. This is big because J usually works Saturday and Sunday and we can't usually do anything with any of the other local families then. (I can't drive, and thanks to menopause, well, you know). So tomorrow we have to feed and herd 4 third-graders and show them a good time.  Considering how horrible I was last Sunday, I made a point of being extra easy on myself today. However, despite two 2-hour naps, I'm just starting to experience the early signs of a Bad Episode: fatigue, aching muscles -esp. the back-, trouble breathing, rolling stomach (though I ate very lightly today), slight nausea, clamminess, and total repulsion to food (the next door neighbors are having a barbecue and it's making my stomach turn). Oh, and low tolerance level to my 9 yr-old. There's also a crying jag just under the surface that needs to come out before tomorrow.    I don't WANT this anymore. How are we supposed to make friends (esp. me) if I have to keep cancellling getting together with other people? But if I feel like shit, I'm not exactly going to friendly and open, am I? And I NEED to make friends. Both J and L have interaction with other people at work and school respectively, but I have none.    Oh, my god, make it stop. Dinner, even though it's obviously going to be really easily made, is starting to look like Mt. Everest (another sign; meals and chores seem enormous and insurmountable).    I don't want this anymore. I want it to stop. I NEED it to stop. The house needs cleaning and organizing if I ever want to get the comic strip started, and I've lost so much time I could've spent with L. shit, shit, shit.  Okay, I'm trying to play it by ear and not let it get me too down (that's thepath to the Pit of Despair, and I don't have any anti-depressants). So I'm feeling a little off right now (says my Sane Side). It's been very hot today and you have been taking care of yourself. This may be gone by tomorrow, if not in a few hours.  Oh, yeah, but what if it's not? Will I end up going to the museum and trying to show 4 little girls a good time while feeling horrible? And J is very serious about his bug collecting, so there will definitely be times when he needs to shop and concentrate and not be looking out for kids.  And I'm STILL tired! I slept a good deal of the day and I"m STILL TIRED! I want to cry, I'm so frustrated, but I need to make dinner. I've hardly spoken two words to L all day. Last night I promised her to play a game with her today, but I left her to watch TV and play by herself.    I want to feel GOOD again, and I don't mean for one or two days a week.  I want this to end. Now. I'm so damn sick and tired of feeling BAD. I've been going through this for 2 1/2 years now (not including the year of perimenopause prior),and from what I read at this website, I get it severely. So I think it should stop, if not right away, then really, really soon. My mother-in-law says she simply stopped her cycles, and had a few hot flashes (she "thinks"), and that was it.   There, the stomach is rolling again. In addition to the frustration and anger, I feel very, very weak.    Make it go away. Please, somebody, make it go away and NEVER come back. Please. Please. Please.