PLEASE HELP ME!
please can someone help me... from people who understand, i am told to deal with my loss of my jessy in MY way, in ANY WAY THAT I CAN, in order to get through it, in order to get through a day. even my family - WHEN IM CRYING OR SOBBING OR HAVING A MOMENT - tell me i must do things in my own way, and in my own time. but when im NOT CRYING, then there is this PRESSURE ON ME, i feel, TO PERFORM. people telling me, you should do this, you should to that. i know there are problems with my other kids. khaely has bipolar, jarod ADHD, and tali so needy, and my ex - their father - full of crap, very abusive. and i feel my family and friends THEN telling me, that the other kids need me, and i almost feel as if they're saying "its not about you any more, its about your husband and children". And &*%^$#)*^% (sorry), but i AM REALLY TRYING MY BEST. i am very involved with my kids, sometimes i feel like saying "HELLOOOOO? DOES ANYBODY NOTICE WHAT I AM DOING FOR EVERYONE?" i am at school, sorting out jarods fights, speaking to his teacher, trying to do all i can to help him with all his school work, to try keep on top of things, trying to CONTAIN him when he gets into uncontrolled tempers and loses all control. WHO DO YOU THINK GETS KICKED AND HIT.yes, and afterwards he says sorry. and khaely. oh G-d my precious khaely. she is bipolar, and when she has a psychotic episode, WHO DO YOU THINK gets threatened, and kicked and traumatised to see her saying shes going to kill herself, and taking knives and glass, and cutting!! yes, yours truly. and then i manage to SOMEHOW contain her, then give her the anti psychotic drugs. then speak to her psychiatrist, and medicate her accordingly, then put her in a bath and bring her tea, and sit with her. and then afterwards she sobs and says shes so sorry, and she means it, and i hold her. and eventually I ALSO CRACK, because deep inside i am missing jessy also, SO BADLY i just want to cry and cry and cry. and people keep saying to me how everyone needs me. and when i just collapse and SOB AND SOB, it is only THEN that they feel bad, and they all rally aroud me and protect me, and say its okay, and i must do whatever i need to do in order to get through this. but the reality is that we actually CANT DO WHATEVER IT IS WE NEED TO DO. it almost feels like i am expected to do what i AM UNABLE TO DO. almost feel like people dont see me as a normal human being anymore, just telling me what everyone ELSE needs, and how i need to be strong and without me, there is nothing, becoz the mother is the pillar in the centre of the family who holds everything together. but still, no matter what advice ive got in the last 6 months, NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO WITH THIS PAIN. I AM A HUMAN BEING. AND I CANNOT GIVE SO MUCH, WHEN THIS PAIN IS DEBILITATING ME. I AM HUMAN AND I HAVE PAIN. i dont even know how to verbalise the frustration i am feeling. i wish i could. i just dont even know what words to use.
Replies
hey.
haven\'t talked to you in a while. after reading this i wish i had.
Nobody, or any amount of words, affection, or whatever will ever take your pain away. It will always be there. It\'s not something that is just going to go away. You\'re never going to \'get over it\' as many people think you should, you\'re just going to learn to live with it. You have to. You have to for yourself and your other kids, Jessy\'s sisters and brother.
There is a huge amount of pressure on you. You\'ve got to help yourself AND your kids. It\'s a huge responsibility. You have to deal with their problems as well as your own, without the help of their father. It\'s not fair. Life\'s not fair - it sucks.
You shouldn\'t be afraid to show your kids your feelings. Show them that it is normal to be upset over things. I don\'t know if you do already... No amount of crying is ever going to bring her back, no amount of money, love, ANYTHING.
No one can tell you how to deal with your pain. That\'s the problem with death. Everyone deals with it in a different way. I deal with it by helping others, except by doing that, I\'m not really dealing with my own - which is so fine. Are there support groups? Groups with other families who are dealing with the same thing? Can you get involved in anything?
Tell khaely to write back to me sometime (: I\'d like it. sorry if this makes no sense.
((((((janice)))))))) you sound overwhelmed with duties and obligations that you are doing while in deep deep trauma and grief...and its only been 6 months..i dont know why the world expects so much of us but it takes a lot more time to get thru the shock and pain then only 6 months..i was still in bed at that time..i still cannot function at more then 50 percent capacity and its been almost 2 yrs..i do know one thing..the first yr i needed meds like ativan to get thru the hard part...and even tho i know you are supposed to be strong, its okay NOT to be strong right now..have you been to the doctor for help, or seen a grief counselor? because its okay to be a total mess right now, you dont have to be the woman you once were....
please be gentle with yourself now
and know that here i understand, with all my heart, what you are going thru.
i walk beside you in love and understanding
let it all out on here when you need to
6 months isnt that long. please be kind to yourself now.
love marianne joeys mom
hey jan....this is not good...you need to tell the people around you that you need help, of course you kids need you and thats fine but someone could pick up the slack for you. someone else could go to the school and help with your sons troubles and someone else could help your daughter when she has a episode. i dont know who the \'someone\' is but there has to be someone is this bunch of people who are around you that could help you so that your not so overwhelmed....ask people for help i mean really ask and ask them to continue....you wont be able to deal with your kids if you continue on this way...you need lots of breaks and lots of time for yourself...you cant keep going on like this...if nothing else there should be some proffessional that can help you.....i have proffessionals who help me make disissions and point me in the right direction...
your grieving jessys death and that will be a long prosess, one that only you can direct. it will take a long time before you are at peace and you need to do it at your own pace....your family and friends seem like they want to help they just dont know what to do or say....so tell them, tell them what you need...help, time, someone to talk to.....if you know what will help you then tell someone, if you dont know what will help then take some time to yourself and just sit with your thoughts for a bit and cry when you have to .... let it all out....i really wish i had better advise for you but ive never been in your shoes and i dont know....but please know that you have friends here that will listen when ever you need to talk.....
you have to take care of you before you can take care of your family....
grief councellor might be really helpful....and meds could help too.....sorry that im talking all jumbled up like this but im brainstorming....my heart goes out to you hun....im here....lots of love...jann
Oh Janice, this pain can never be put into words. It is so personnel and deep. Yes, we are being asked to do the impossible. The choice is not yours any longer. You are doing so much for other needy people and not getting your needs dealt with...it\'s OK to be selfish while you take time to adjust to a new life. Get a massage, get your nails done, have a peaceful lunch with a good friend...BREATHE!
i\'m praying for you... i\'m sorry it\'s all i can do. take care of you. love and hugs, meg
You are right you should not be dealing with any of this alone. Not any of it. If you dont work then I would suggest that your work be to gain the support groups for Bereavement, Bipolar and ADHD (those two might be together) Your son may have bipolar it may just be too early to tell. Does your BP daughter take meds daily? I hope so. Sometimes with kids less of a med is more. This is something to discuss with both of their doctors. Your \"project\" is you first and then your children. When on an airplane the flight attendant instructs you to place the oxygen mask on yourself first and then your children...You must find the way to nurture and care for yourself. There has to be a way. Then you will have deposited within yourself some energy for others. You seem to be running on empty. Please keep in mind that if you have OCD, that may be complicating your grief also think about your baby that passed, would she want you so heart broken after her life well lived? she would want you to be happy and have a fullfilling life after her passing, you know this.I know its trite for me to assume that you could possibly be happy right now. I hope you just try to find some reason to smile and mean it everyday. do you keep a journal? They can be your best friend for venting and ranting and greiving you could write at night when everyone is tucked away for sleep. Support groups of any kind would be very helpful you just have to step out, find them and go, the rest will be such a blessing. I pray you find a way to see the bigger picture and not let life suck you down into running on empty. You need you and so do they.