PLEASE HELP ME!
please can someone help me... from people who understand, i am told to deal with my loss of my jessy in MY way, in ANY WAY THAT I CAN, in order to get through it, in order to get through a day. even my family - WHEN IM CRYING OR SOBBING OR HAVING A MOMENT - tell me i must do things in my own way, and in my own time. but when im NOT CRYING, then there is this PRESSURE ON ME, i feel, TO PERFORM. people telling me, you should do this, you should to that. i know there are problems with my other kids. khaely has bipolar, jarod ADHD, and tali so needy, and my ex - their father - full of crap, very abusive. and i feel my family and friends THEN telling me, that the other kids need me, and i almost feel as if they're saying "its not about you any more, its about your husband and children". And &*%^$#)*^% (sorry), but i AM REALLY TRYING MY BEST. i am very involved with my kids, sometimes i feel like saying "HELLOOOOO? DOES ANYBODY NOTICE WHAT I AM DOING FOR EVERYONE?" i am at school, sorting out jarods fights, speaking to his teacher, trying to do all i can to help him with all his school work, to try keep on top of things, trying to CONTAIN him when he gets into uncontrolled tempers and loses all control. WHO DO YOU THINK GETS KICKED AND HIT.yes, and afterwards he says sorry. and khaely. oh G-d my precious khaely. she is bipolar, and when she has a psychotic episode, WHO DO YOU THINK gets threatened, and kicked and traumatised to see her saying shes going to kill herself, and taking knives and glass, and cutting!! yes, yours truly. and then i manage to SOMEHOW contain her, then give her the anti psychotic drugs. then speak to her psychiatrist, and medicate her accordingly, then put her in a bath and bring her tea, and sit with her. and then afterwards she sobs and says shes so sorry, and she means it, and i hold her. and eventually I ALSO CRACK, because deep inside i am missing jessy also, SO BADLY i just want to cry and cry and cry. and people keep saying to me how everyone needs me. and when i just collapse and SOB AND SOB, it is only THEN that they feel bad, and they all rally aroud me and protect me, and say its okay, and i must do whatever i need to do in order to get through this. but the reality is that we actually CANT DO WHATEVER IT IS WE NEED TO DO. it almost feels like i am expected to do what i AM UNABLE TO DO. almost feel like people dont see me as a normal human being anymore, just telling me what everyone ELSE needs, and how i need to be strong and without me, there is nothing, becoz the mother is the pillar in the centre of the family who holds everything together. but still, no matter what advice ive got in the last 6 months, NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO WITH THIS PAIN. I AM A HUMAN BEING. AND I CANNOT GIVE SO MUCH, WHEN THIS PAIN IS DEBILITATING ME. I AM HUMAN AND I HAVE PAIN. i dont even know how to verbalise the frustration i am feeling. i wish i could. i just dont even know what words to use.