Please can someone help me....
My dearest friends
I have no right to call you my friends as i have not been a very giving friend as of late. it's been a long time since i've collected up enough energy and strength to come here again. I have not offered any of you love and strength and support in your very painful time.
For that i am so truly sorry. I'll tell you the truth... even though it's been over 7 years since i lost my Jessy, i go through months at a time where I feel like i collapse into something like not quite dead but not quiet alive eihter.
When i feel strong, i am really remarkably strong and can achieve quite amazing things, but those phases are short lived. Mostly i'm slipped way down into a slippery place of panic and anxiety and pain and i just cannot get my footing. I am far away from everyone. My thoughts and worries and pain overwhelm me and i cannot see how to survive.
Please dear friends, if you can forgive me for being absent from this forum for some time, is there anyone who would be happy to talk to me? Help me?
Thank you,
Stephanie Jan
I have no right to call you my friends as i have not been a very giving friend as of late. it's been a long time since i've collected up enough energy and strength to come here again. I have not offered any of you love and strength and support in your very painful time.
For that i am so truly sorry. I'll tell you the truth... even though it's been over 7 years since i lost my Jessy, i go through months at a time where I feel like i collapse into something like not quite dead but not quiet alive eihter.
When i feel strong, i am really remarkably strong and can achieve quite amazing things, but those phases are short lived. Mostly i'm slipped way down into a slippery place of panic and anxiety and pain and i just cannot get my footing. I am far away from everyone. My thoughts and worries and pain overwhelm me and i cannot see how to survive.
Please dear friends, if you can forgive me for being absent from this forum for some time, is there anyone who would be happy to talk to me? Help me?
Thank you,
Stephanie Jan
Replies
I will not forgive you as there is nothing to forgive. I myself only have such a limited amount of strength and if I am to survive this nightmare, I must do only what I am capable of doing.
Regardless of the time since your precious child left your arms, this is a life long journey. Some days are ok and others simply suck.
You are here now. You have nothing to be apologetic about. I am glad you are here now. Lets start from there...
I call my \"...not quite dead but not quite alive either...\" periods true life zombie state. So I know what you are describing.
When you are strong enough, write about your thoughts and worries and pain. I think you will be surprised at how many Moms here share very similar things. By sharing, you will quickly see that you are not alone in your journey. That there are many, many of us experiencing the same.
I am so sorry for your pain. Please I am glad you are here now.
gentlest of hugs,
Merrilee
Thank u so much Merrilee ... its amazing how one can feel with some support. Thank u for yours ... it makes so much difference just knowing there are some souls out there who can share and identify with you, even though I know it is worse than tragic that any mom should have to know this pain
All of us seem to need some time away from this \"place of feelings\" and you rightfully took the time away that you need. As Merrilee says, there is nothing to forgive. We all struggle back and forth. I hope you find peace soon. Sending you hugs... Leda
Thank you Leda .... how do you cope?
Janice, coping is not my best asset. I try to get through day to day, if that is not possible, it is breath to breath. I try to be gentle with myself and try not to get into self criticism. The last few months, I watch my diet. I am on the \"Paleo Diet\" and it has been remarkable in healing both my body, depression overload and my brain. I sincerely hope something you see on this site will help you!!! Losing our kids is the most difficult of life circumstances and it is an up and down cycle. Hope you feel better soon.
this is the greatest place..... you come to vent ,,,, you come to heal,, you come just because.... and the best thing is you are loved....
I am so glad you posted this journal. I\'ve been feeling like this for quite some time now. Having a hard time picking myself up. Some days breathing and getting out of bed are such difficult chores. At times I feel like I can\'t do this anymore. But another day comes and I somehow get through it. I sometimes cocoon and don\'t come on here much, or I come on and read but don\'t have much to say. No judgement, tight hugs, much love. Sue xo
Wow.. Sue said exactly what I was thinking as I read your journal and the responses.... I struggle a lot with the feeling that I can\'t lean on the moms because I don\'t do the continuing support very well at all... and the other moms too... that there is nothing to forgive... there is nothing required so nothing to be upset that you didn\'t do... we all have to accept that as we can we do and when we can\'t... we just have to breathe and continue the best that we can... Its good to see you. Hugs Elissa
Merliee, Leda, NoraMc, Sue, Elissa.... thank you all for your support. And to those of you who have been feeling the same way as me, isn\'t it weird how life is, that there i was feeling like I shouldn\'t ask for help coz i cocoon a lot, and just in doing that, so there were others of you feeling the same way. I\'m so glad we came together. I guess our times of cocooning are just so painful that any alternative seems impossible to get through. So we go into plain survival mode.
Just give yourself the wiggle room and grace to do what feels healing for you. All of it is okay and there are no expectations here, thank goodness.
Understanding what you are describing, it\'s part of the ebbs, flows and automatic pilot times I have come to discover that I find living within. All is okay and needed along the way for one\'s healing.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
oh Joanie! if only society were as unstanding and patient... their expectations are high and dont allow for any cocooning or withdrawal. My other kids... the daily demands, teacher calling me, school exams and projects that are expected to be handed in and the kids need my help. I hate my phone!! Just want it to leave me alone!