Plans

I had a plan, well not a set plan, but we were headed in a certain direction. The day Brad passed he had sent me a link to a house that was for sale. We have been some what been looking at buying a house for a few months. But this one I said we could talk about when I got home that night and really look into pursuing it. Well we never got to have that conversation. And we have talked a lot about having a baby. Its something I really wanted, I have for a long time. He wasn't always so sure he wanted another one because his health wasn't that great. He always felt like he wasn't going to be here for very much longer. He actually told me the week he died that he was surprised that he had made it through last year. His thoughts were that if we did have a baby and something happened to him then he didn't like the idea of someone else raising his kid. The week before he passed was one of those weeks that he was for it. My point now is that I see all this stuff about babies and being pregnant on TV and in my newsfeed on facebook. Its so hard for me to see. I was so excited about the thought of being pregnant again and going through all of that with him. And not to mention how much I didn't just want to have a baby, but I wanted to have one with him. And now knowing that that will never happen is hard. I had this dream of a life that I wanted, the family that I wanted. And that dream started 5 years ago. I fought really hard for it, I fought really hard for us and stuck around when nobody else would have. And then I finally have what I wanted, I had our family. Then just like that it was ripped away from me. How is it that I loose the thing I've fought the hardest for in my life.