PITTY PARTY OVER!
Sun. Night (Mon) First of all thanks to all of you who helped me through a very dark moment! It just kind of came over me. I have been sick. Again. On antibiotics. Again. I think, aside from being tired, I am sick of being sick. There are just days things overwhelm me. I miss Scott so much and it is sinking in I will NEVER see him alive again. It's not like I haven't known this for nearly 10 mos. It is just that it gets more real as time passes. (It was plenty real before!) Someone told me the 2nd year was worse than the 1st. I couldn't see how. But as I approach that, I can. Scott & I, as with all my sons, collected odds and ends of coins. We called (call) it our special money. Occassionally we would (do) go through and see what we have. Some is probably worth something and some is as common as a bi-centenial quarter. We have done this since they were very young....wheat pennies, new quarters, new nickels, $2 bills, old coins, etc. We have quite the collection with each, including mine, being in our own bags. We compare what we have come up with. Well, Scott had, not long before he died, wanted to go through the money. I put him off 'cause he was messed up. I found ziplock bags of some of his money that had yet to make it to the locked bag. I think it just set things off in the wrong direction. Another regret, and yet at the time, it made sense to me. Then I had a "fuss" with hubby. We are in very different places. I went to the cemetery Sat. eve and cried and asked Scott to help me. I cried a lot! I felt pretty rotten. Today, (Sun.) I have just felt puny. And, sad but no more than usual. Chris came over for dinner. I was glad to see him. I found blessing in his visit. I had dinner with Chris, hubby Craig, Adam, father-in-law, and Melissa. I am so very lucky to have my family. I know I need to look at the haves more and not the have-nots. It is just sometimes the grief gets in the way. I am just trying to go with my flow. Chris' girlfriend, Kristen, has the stomach flu, I guess. Although I do not want her to be sick, I was glad she did not come over. The longer it goes, the less I care for her. I just do not think she is right for Chris. I don't think he does either as he is asking me and his Dad what we honestly think. This indicates to me he is really questioning the relationship. His Dad and he had quite a long talk and I hope it helped. I will love whoever he loves. I am just hoping he finds someone with lots less baggage and who he doesn't feel the need to question. Again, to those who have read, and are reading, thank you. I don't know how I would make it without you to help me walk the darker trails of this journey.
Replies
Aww, this is not a pity party...it\'s our life, sweetie, and I know exactly what you mean about the second year. I, too, was told early on that the second and third years were the hardest, and at the time I thought \"How in the he## can it get any worse thatn this???\"\" But just when I thought I was over the humpp, the one year mark, it all started becoming clear to me what people had said. In some ways it was easier, and in many ways, much harder....just DIFFERENT!! I realized yesterday, that every aspect of every thing, even little things, wil remind me of my son, and I know that will never change, and I keep thinking how I never could have realized how all these little things would affect me if he were suddenly gone...unfortunately now, we know, and it sucks so bad. And when we are physically ill, as well, it even makes it much harder. And of course, inb our hearts and our heads, we KNOW we should be appreciative for the blessings we still have, but dammit, it\'s so hard when one of those blessings has been unjustly ripped away from us. I wish I could be there to give you a giant hug right now, Lord knows, I could use one too! I hope you can have a peaceful evening, hope you are feeling (physically) better, and I hope you have wonderfuls dreams of your Angel. Hang in there, kid! Love, Carole
It\'s those completely overwhelming moments - that I\'ve yet to have any control over. You keep crying as long as you have to - I had another jag myself Sat. afternoon. I went through some more of Shaun\'s things that I have stored here. This huge box of Legos - and I swear it must have been the only thing that distracted him from the type of work he did. This guy created cities, and everything - of course the sight of the Legos and what to do with them - overwhelmed me - and we will continue by the Grace of God - to feel out each new day - and proceed the best we can. Sorry to hear your sick again, but the stress is probably lowering our immune systems. Chris sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders - if this girl isn\'t for him - he\'ll know - and then he\'ll make his decision when it\'s right. I hope you feel better soon honey. Love you, and still posting prayers,
When we are \"down\" one of the blessings of this site...is that we are NEVER alone! We are here for each other...WE understand. I am glad you are feeling a little better... It sounds like Chris \"knows\" that Kristin isn\'t \"the\" one...he needs to follow his gut. Love to you and big hugs...Karen
Ginger, You have helped me when I\'ve hit the wall. As Karen said that\'s one of the great things about this site is we always have each other. Love you girl!!! Cyn
Sorry to hear that your sick, I don\'t like being sick either. Cry all you need, you are allowed. I try to not listen to the negativity of others anymore it is nonconstructive. Chris knows in his gut that this girl is not right for him, problem is sometimes the heart doesn\'t listen to the gut. Evenually he will listen to his gut and do what is right for himeself. Take Care of U, Love and Hugs.
I hope you get to feeling better. Being sick just adds to it. Its a good thing your husband had a long talk with your Son. My Son and I would have really good talks when he was wondering about things. I am so glad we were close enough to be able to talk about almost anything. As a Mom, I bet you are right on the money about his girlfriend. Keep writing, we will somehow get thru this. Love Joanne
ginger,
ur allowed to feel all that ur feeling...gona be two yrs for me june 20th and it still seems like yesterday...its been a overwhelming year and i keep falling down but keep getting back up...i miss cody more and more each passing day...and the reality sinks in more and more...i blocked alot of things just in hopes it was all a nightmare and id wake up and my son would come walking through the door...but i was wrong!!...i still shed my daily tears...and my heart will never mend...and my missing him will forever follow me...its so hard , and every day is still a struggle...but i try to keep knowing in my heart i will see him again!!
but i just need his hug, to see his smile and to here his voice say i love you mom...ect...the list is endless~~~~~~~~
ur not alone on anything ur feeling...im walking beside you feeling the same things...hugging u tight...and here for you...love ya
Every once in a while we do get the legs knocked out from under us out of the blue when we\'re least expecting. I had one of those a couple of weeks ago just simply glancing at a picture. I know being sick is just exhausting. I\'ve been sick only with colds or sorethroat every few years my entire life. Now after losing my son in just 10 months, I\'ve had a chronic respiratory illness, melanoma on my back and minor surgery 3 times and a kidney stone. That\'s not counting the 20 lbs I\'ve gained. This is not only emotionally draining on us but so physical too. I hope you get to feeling better and I\'m so happy you have your family to still make you smile. We are lucky to have great families. I wish Chris the best of luck. I wouldn\'t be that age again for anything. It\'s hard to sit and watch your kids make big decisions that we don\'t always agree with but they have to find out for themselves sometimes and stumble just as we did. I think it will be OK. Thinking of you and here for you. Love Robin
It\'s funny how it can come over you in a second and you find yourself flat on your face in tears. Being ill doesn\'t help. I\'m sorry to have to confirm what you already suspect, for me the second years was worse than the first. In the first I think shock helps us get through some of the really rough places but in the second year the shock is gone and the cold unflinching reality sets in and it can really knock you down. I found we have to focus as much as we can on the positives and try to just go with the flow. As my second year is coming to an end I thought I\'d got it sorted, only to find the last few days I\'ve been wallowing again. I too went to the cemetery on Sunday and had a real ugly cry, if you know what I mean. I then went home and spent the evening alone as the spouse was off to dress rehearsal for his little theater. To make a long story short I spent the time beating up on myself and crying. As the week starts, I\'ve come back to a better place with the help of the wonderful women here. We are all in this together and we will help each other through. I hope Chris gets the girl friend sorted and that attitude to love what he loves will see you through. Too bad more parents didn\'t have it. May your week bring you sunshine and peace. Love and hugs Cathy