PITTY PARTY OVER!

Sun. Night (Mon) First of all thanks to all of you who helped me through a very dark moment!  It just kind of came over me.  I have been sick.  Again.  On antibiotics.  Again.  I think, aside from being tired, I am sick of being sick.  There are just days things overwhelm me.  I miss Scott so much and it is sinking in I will NEVER see him alive again.  It's not like I haven't known this for nearly 10 mos.  It is just that it gets more real as time passes. (It was plenty real before!)  Someone told me the 2nd year was worse than the 1st.  I couldn't see how.  But as I approach that, I can.  Scott & I, as with all my sons, collected odds and ends of coins.  We called (call) it our special money.  Occassionally we would (do) go through and see what we have.  Some is probably worth something and some is as common as a bi-centenial quarter.  We have done this since they were very young....wheat pennies, new quarters, new nickels, $2 bills, old coins, etc.  We have quite the collection with each, including mine, being in our own bags.  We compare what we have come up with.  Well, Scott had, not long before he died, wanted to go through the money.  I put him off 'cause he was messed up.  I found ziplock bags of some of his money that had yet to make it to the locked bag.  I think it just set things off in the wrong direction.  Another regret, and yet at the time, it made sense to me.  Then I had a "fuss" with hubby.  We are in very different places.  I went to the cemetery Sat. eve and cried and asked Scott to help me.  I cried a lot!  I felt pretty rotten.  Today, (Sun.) I have just felt puny. And, sad but no more than usual.  Chris came over for dinner.  I was glad to see him.  I found blessing in his visit.  I had dinner with Chris, hubby Craig, Adam, father-in-law, and Melissa.  I am so very lucky to have my family.  I know I need to look at the haves more and not the have-nots.  It is just sometimes the grief gets in the way.  I am just trying to go with my flow.  Chris' girlfriend, Kristen, has the stomach flu, I guess.  Although I do not want her to be sick, I was glad she did not come over.  The longer it goes, the less I care for her.  I just do not think she is right for Chris.  I don't think he does either as he is asking me and his Dad what we honestly think.  This indicates to me he is really questioning the relationship.  His Dad and he had quite a long talk and I hope it helped.  I will love whoever he loves.  I am just hoping he finds someone with lots less baggage and who he doesn't feel the need to question.  Again, to those who have read, and are reading, thank you.  I don't know how I would make it without you to help me walk the darker trails of this journey.