PHYSICALLY AN MENTALLY EXHAUSTED

WELL, I GUESS NO HAPPY JOURNALS FOR ME YET BUT MY HEAD IS POUNDING FROM TRYING TO KEEP ALL MY THOUGHTS BOTTLED UP, SO GLAD TO HAVE THIS JOURNAL OUTLET....ASSHOLE HAS BEEN PLAYING GAMES WITH ME AGAIN.HE GOES OUT WITH FRIENDS ALL DUREING THE WEEK NOW BECAUSE HE KNOWS I AM BUSY WITH SUPPER,THE HOUSE AND HELPING KIDS WITH HOMEWORK.WHEN THE WEEKEND COMES AROUND AND I PLAN ON TAKEING OFF FOR SOME ME TIME ,HE STICKS AROUND OR TAKES THE VEHICLE TO TRAP ME AT HOME.A YEAR AGO WHEN I WAS STILL A PERSON WHO WORKED AND WAS VERY INDEPENDANT ,I WOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN.HE TAKES FULL ADVANTAGE OF ME BEING DEPPRESSED AND JUST SHOVES ME INTO THE GROUND...THE MORE PAIN I FEEL THE STRONGER HE BECOMES. I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO RAN MY HOUSEHOLD AND TOLD HIM IF HE DIDNT LIKE IT OR LEARN TO BE A DECENT PERSON HE COULD LEAVE...NOW HE BITCHES AT ME WHEN I USE THE PHONE OR COMPUTER,JEALOUS OF ANY OUTSIDE CONTACT I MAY HAVE, I AM BACK TO CONSTANTLY WORRYING ABOUT MY LIFE,NOT SLEEPING AND IN PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PAIN.I AM VERY BITCHY TO MY KIDS AND THAT BREAKS MY HEART..I HAVE BEEN UP FOR SEVERAL DAYS AGAIN JUST TRYING TO MAKE SOME SENCE OUT OF MY LIFE....I HAD A TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD AND ALLS I EVER WANTED WAS A FAMILY OF MY OWN.I HAVE WORKED SO HARD OVER THE YEARS,SOMETIMES TWO FULL TIME JOBS JUST TO MAKE ENDS MEET.IT MENT ALOT TO ME TO HAVE MY KIDS ONLY LIVE IN SINGLE FAMILY HOMES WITH THIER OWN ROOMS AND NICE THINGS.I WOULD SOMETIMES BE WORKING SO MUCH  THAT I REALLY NEVER FELT APART OF MY OWN FAMILY .I BEGAN HATEING MY HUSBAND FOR THIS,I WANTED TO BE THE PERFECT WIFE,MOTHER AND EMPLOYEE...MY HUSBAND WOULDNT EVEN WATCH HIS OWN KIDS MOST THE TIME WHILE I WORKED,I HIRED A SITTER.SO, I NOW LOOK BACK AND ALL THAT I WORKED SO HARD FOR  ALL THESE YEARS IS GONE....SINCE I HAVENT BEEN WORKING THE PAST YEAR DUE TO MY CAR CRASH,I NO LONGER HAVE MATERIAL THINGS OR IN MATERIAL THINGS.MYSELF I HAVE LOST ALL INDEPENDANCE AND SELF WORTH.MANY OF MY HOUSEHOLD BELONGINGS WERE REPOED OR ARE NOW BROKEN AND TORN.MY VEHICLE MY TRUE SENCE OF FREEDOM WAS ALSO REPOED.THE HOUSE I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO HAVE ,IS FALLING DOWN AROUND ME.WORST OF ALL MY KIDS THE ONLY TRUE FAMILY I HAVE AND THE ONES I THOUGHT I WAS ALWAYS WORKING SO HARD FOR ,HAVE SADLY MADE ME REALIZE WHAT A LOOSER OF A MOM I TRULY WAS AND AM.MY OLDEST SON DECIDED TO QUIT SCHOOL,IT JUST WASNT FOR HIM.NOW FRIENDS,BOOZE AN DRUGS ARE HIS PRIORITIES.MY SIXTEEN YEAR OLD IS VERY ANGERY ALL THE TIME ,JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.MY DAUGHTER IS ALL TO HERSELF AND DOESNT CARE WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES AND HOW IT AFFECTS ANYONE.MY YOUNGEST SONS BEHAVIOR IS TERRIBLE AND HE REALLY JUST CRAVES DISIPLINE AND THE ATTENTION HE HAS BEEN LACKING WITH ME GONE WORKING SO MUCH.HOW TERRIBLE FOR ME TO FINALLY REALIZE ALL THIS WHEN ITS TOO LATE....I THOUGHT ALL THESE YEARS I WAS AGOOD MOM AND THAT I WAS PROVIDEING A LIFE FOR MY KIDS BUT REALLY I WAS GONE WORKING SO MUCH I WASNT THERE MENTALLY FOR THEM....I BLAME MYSELF FOR NOT HELPING THEM TO BE BETTER PEOPLE.I GAVE THEM THIER OWN ROOMS AND BELONGINGS AND THAT GAVE THEM ROOM TO WANT TO BE ALONE AND NOT HAVE TO SHARE OR BE NICE.I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK ALL THE YEARS AND ALL THE MISTAKES....I  AM SO MENTALLY AND PHSICALLY EXHAUSTED,WHEN WILL THE PAIN AND LONLINESS EVER END......I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY COOKING A ROAST BEEF DINNER WITH MASHED POTATOES,STUFFING,BISCUITS,CORN AND BROWNIES FOR DESSERT.I DID WASH AND LAUNDRY AND HELPED KIDS WITH HOMEWORK AND ASSHOLE WAS SO INCONSIDERATE,HE LEFT AT NOON TODAY AND JUST GOT HOME DRUNKER THAN HELL AT MIDNIGHT.GUESS HES READY TO FIGHT......GOOD NIGHT,FOR SOME I GUESS BUT NEVER ME.......

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It is so sad, that you feel so lost. I too worked a lot, but in a sense was lucky that my husband was great with our kids. I worked and he cared for them. Now that the roles are reversed, I know I am lacking in the mothering skills you think would come naturally. He is a much better care giver than me. I am distant and would just love to be left alone. I feel for you and I know that your pain is great. I wish we lived close so I could be a friend to you in person. perhaps we could bring some light into each others lives. (((HUGGS)))