Physical Hell
I'm just catching on to the idea that I am under so much stress due to allergies. Physically I am feeling "sick"; my stomach feels empty and my neck is killing me. I finally realized it was allergies. My wife mentioned this morning that her throat is "itchy" and she's getting a cough. So along with the mental stress of not working and that being a financial strain, now I'm having to contend with allergies physically.
When I was a kid I found out early how "different" I was from other kids; I couldn't eat what other kids were eating, or else I would break out in 'boils' on my skin, or "rashes". I wanted to be like the other kids, but I couldn't. I wanted to eat chocolate too but it, and especially oranges, really upset me. My body was just different. I understand now that it may have to do with a lack of breast-feeding. Allergies are a somatic reaction, an infant "tantrum", for not getting more breast-milk and all the anti-immune properties it offers the infant. Oh well; can't go back and change that! Perhaps it added to my introverted, or at least shyness, social behaviors.
It just dawned on me this morning that I have spent my life rejecting my true nature, and resisted accepting who I am, because I wanted to be more like everyone else. I did not want the "special" attention due to the fact that I was ODD because of my allergies and "special needs". Now that I am allowing myself to recognize my true feelings, I am feeling feelings I am not used to feeling. In the past they have been repressed, as "not good" and in need of correction; and now I'm understanding they are real and legitimate communications from my instinctual body, another PART of myself that I have disowned. [Geeze...as for some help from the Universe, and growth knowledge, and you open a whole new "can-of-worms" to deal with! I'm voting for a better, easier, world next time around! LOL!]
So...I'm a little more resigned to my situation right now, as my body's immune system adjusts to the weather and the allergens. In the meantime, my anger and crankiness is still there (I really am feeling bad and am angry about it!) and I'm going to have to deal with it as best I can. The important thing is to realize it is real, physically and may even be partially phychosomatic, but to not deny I have a very good reason to be angry and unhappy. It does hurt, my neck, my nasal passage, my tiredness, and I am really hurting. and that makes me angry because I don't want to feel this way. I've got enough problems as it is!!! Dammit!!!
Anyway..., the growth work is still there to do. I am getting more used to asking myself : How do you REALLY feel? Instead of asking myself how I should feel and trying to intellectualize about how I am feeling. I need to stop trying to justify how I feel, or understand it, and JUST FEEL IT! resisting the feeloings makes them traumatic and repressed, collecting them for another time, instead of letting them be felt, out, and disappated by them being let out. Perhaps that is the "letting go" part of the 'Letting Go' instructions and teachings: letting go of the feelings, actually feeling them without correcting or justifying them according to social or cultural conditioning. To acknowledge how I REALLY feel instead of lying in order to conform and be accepted. Somehow it relates back to the individuation process where I {we} test out ability to stand alone and suffer abandonment beliefs, when in fact, society needs us too. That is why they make such a big deal of conformity and conforming behavior. Plus, extroverts out number introverts 3 to 1, and extroverts NEED constant socialization and stimulation for their survival. They cannot survive without us. THEY are the ones fearing abandonment. They are the ones claiming one cannot survive as individuals. Now I get it! The fear of abandonment is a threat to others, not the one who is willing to survive on their own as an individual. THAT's why there is so much pressure not to be an individual [at least in my case].
Okay...I'm done for now. I got it out. Now to go do something else....life, in reality, by feeling all my feelings originating from my true self without editorializing them. To listen to my SELF. not argue with it about ficticious propriety. To get to know the real me from its source: ME!
Tah Dah..... ;>)
When I was a kid I found out early how "different" I was from other kids; I couldn't eat what other kids were eating, or else I would break out in 'boils' on my skin, or "rashes". I wanted to be like the other kids, but I couldn't. I wanted to eat chocolate too but it, and especially oranges, really upset me. My body was just different. I understand now that it may have to do with a lack of breast-feeding. Allergies are a somatic reaction, an infant "tantrum", for not getting more breast-milk and all the anti-immune properties it offers the infant. Oh well; can't go back and change that! Perhaps it added to my introverted, or at least shyness, social behaviors.
It just dawned on me this morning that I have spent my life rejecting my true nature, and resisted accepting who I am, because I wanted to be more like everyone else. I did not want the "special" attention due to the fact that I was ODD because of my allergies and "special needs". Now that I am allowing myself to recognize my true feelings, I am feeling feelings I am not used to feeling. In the past they have been repressed, as "not good" and in need of correction; and now I'm understanding they are real and legitimate communications from my instinctual body, another PART of myself that I have disowned. [Geeze...as for some help from the Universe, and growth knowledge, and you open a whole new "can-of-worms" to deal with! I'm voting for a better, easier, world next time around! LOL!]
So...I'm a little more resigned to my situation right now, as my body's immune system adjusts to the weather and the allergens. In the meantime, my anger and crankiness is still there (I really am feeling bad and am angry about it!) and I'm going to have to deal with it as best I can. The important thing is to realize it is real, physically and may even be partially phychosomatic, but to not deny I have a very good reason to be angry and unhappy. It does hurt, my neck, my nasal passage, my tiredness, and I am really hurting. and that makes me angry because I don't want to feel this way. I've got enough problems as it is!!! Dammit!!!
Anyway..., the growth work is still there to do. I am getting more used to asking myself : How do you REALLY feel? Instead of asking myself how I should feel and trying to intellectualize about how I am feeling. I need to stop trying to justify how I feel, or understand it, and JUST FEEL IT! resisting the feeloings makes them traumatic and repressed, collecting them for another time, instead of letting them be felt, out, and disappated by them being let out. Perhaps that is the "letting go" part of the 'Letting Go' instructions and teachings: letting go of the feelings, actually feeling them without correcting or justifying them according to social or cultural conditioning. To acknowledge how I REALLY feel instead of lying in order to conform and be accepted. Somehow it relates back to the individuation process where I {we} test out ability to stand alone and suffer abandonment beliefs, when in fact, society needs us too. That is why they make such a big deal of conformity and conforming behavior. Plus, extroverts out number introverts 3 to 1, and extroverts NEED constant socialization and stimulation for their survival. They cannot survive without us. THEY are the ones fearing abandonment. They are the ones claiming one cannot survive as individuals. Now I get it! The fear of abandonment is a threat to others, not the one who is willing to survive on their own as an individual. THAT's why there is so much pressure not to be an individual [at least in my case].
Okay...I'm done for now. I got it out. Now to go do something else....life, in reality, by feeling all my feelings originating from my true self without editorializing them. To listen to my SELF. not argue with it about ficticious propriety. To get to know the real me from its source: ME!
Tah Dah..... ;>)
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