perspective
I have been living a nightmare for the last 30 days...well actually much longer considering the 5 years I watched cassi suffer from depression, anxiety..whatever demons she was fighting. Even further back, I was always worried about her. I suffered a painful childhood and I projected that onto her. I assumed she would have suffering as well, so I worried about her, tried to protect her, prayed a LOT, and deep down I felt really sorry for her. All I have been able to see in the past 30 days is pain and misery, so I wanted to try something different today. I want to try to remember happy times and I want to be grateful for all I had and all I still have.
I loved my baby so much. when she started going to daycare, with ms. Janice, she became a part of a group of little girls that played together, had sleepovers, took dance classes together. those were good times. when she started school, she always did very well academically. friends came and went, but there really was always someone there for her. the names and faces changed, but she was a part of the structure of the school, her class. she loved sports at an early age and played t-ball as soon as she was old enough to. she was so cute in her little uniform. she played in the Geneva city league sports, I believe until high school, or at least middle school. She absolutely loved basketball. as soon as she could, she started playing basketball at her school, at Bethlehem. She wasn't the best player, but she was good and some nights she was on fire. She was particularly good at making 3 point shots. we remained close, with a most special bond, long after her peers had tired of their parents. Cassi and I were still friends. We shared so many tastes...in music, in movies, in humor. It was like I had trained a best friend.
in her senior year, when things started getting bad, I just tried to reassure her things would get better. Academically she was still on top, and was a valedictorian of her graduating class. I say one, because there were actually 3 valedictorians...3 girls with exactly the same gPA's, so they shared. She got scholarships for college due to her hard work. The summer before college was really when she started getting sick, but there were good times that summer too. Her friends were in and out of the house all the time, and despite their ages, they still PLAYED...it was awesome...someone would have a crazy idea, and they would just do it. I must cherish those memories and not let them be overshadowed by the dark times.
while she was in college her circumstances changed from time to time, but I think she was more stable. she got to move out of her tiny dorm room into a campus apartment. a friend from home, kayla baker moved to Pensacola to go to school and her parents bought her a house there. for a long time, cassi spent most of her time with kayla. I know they had a falling out at the end, but again, there were many more good times I refuse to let the darkness cover.
when she graduated from college with her Bachelor's degree she got an apartment with 2 friends and a job. She complained about her roommates, but deep down she loved them and they loved her. she complained about her job, but she had made some amazing friends there that have been a huge support system for me throughout this ordeal. She had happy times with her roommates and happy times at work.
she and Hayley were always on-again off-again. I got to the point that I knew I just had to wait it out when they broke up, because they always ended up back together. she loved Hayley, and I believe every other relationship she tried to pursue was merely to distract her from the pain of not being with Hayley. if she had survived, they probably would have gotten back together, or maybe, as I had hoped, become true friends without all the drama.
when this nightmare started, 30 days ago. both steve and I had loving and supportive friends that we called immediately and they responded immediately. they accompanied us to Pensacola that terrible sunday. neither of us were capable of driving, but the most important thing they provided was moral support. My sister and her partner Becky met us at the hospital. each time I saw a familiar face I was comforted a bit. I was in deep denial and just felt the more support I had the easier it would be to get the whole misunderstanding straightened out. But there was a tiny nagging feeling that what people were saying was true, so I hedged my bets. When steve told me to give my medication to Ashley, I gave her a bottle containing just a few Xanax. I had a full bottle, a new prescription, that I hid in my bra, just in case.
lori took charge at the hospital. nothing was really accomplished, but she was there for me. someone suspected I was hiding something, and she made me give up my Xanax... I guess it wasn't my time thought I dearly wanted it to be. my in-laws were a tremendous help over the next few days. I loved them already, but now, the only way I could love them more is if they could give me cassi back. My relationship with my mother has been restored, when I needed her the most she was there for me, and I let her be there for me. I am closer to my sister than ever before and we are helping each other find our way. I had a few weeks worth of leave time built up at work, so I can relax and not have to worry about a paycheck for a while. I have my dogs. my dogs...my furry angels...who we can't spoil enough because nothing we do for them can equal the amount of love and joy they bring us. I have cassi to thank for that too, as Apollo was a birthday present she requested for her 15th birthday. of course, he became my dog, and I was able to rescue chloe 2 years later because it was known I had a Pomeranian and would love another one.
I have steve. he has been my rock. we share a bond now that no parents should ever have to share, but we are determined to do it together. We brought cassi into the world together, and we had to say goodbye to her together. there was only one cassi leann churchwell in the world, and only 2 people who had the honor of being her parents. He is patient and gentle with me. he stayed home from work with me until I insisted he go back, because I knew it was what he really needed and wanted to do. but if I get in a bad way, I can all him and he in here within 5 minutes. no judgement, only concern. I think he is grateful that I need him, I have never been this fragile and I am certainly grateful to have him. we have loving friends and family, we never knew how much we were loved.
so...despite suffering the worst, and I mean the absolute worst thing a human being, a parent, can suffer, I still have much to be grateful for. I'm not totally clear on this, I'm not clear on much of anything these days, but I believe somewhere in gratitude is where I will find peace. maybe a little at a time, here and there. changing my perception, even for just a few minutes a day and reminding myself that I am very, very blessed
I loved my baby so much. when she started going to daycare, with ms. Janice, she became a part of a group of little girls that played together, had sleepovers, took dance classes together. those were good times. when she started school, she always did very well academically. friends came and went, but there really was always someone there for her. the names and faces changed, but she was a part of the structure of the school, her class. she loved sports at an early age and played t-ball as soon as she was old enough to. she was so cute in her little uniform. she played in the Geneva city league sports, I believe until high school, or at least middle school. She absolutely loved basketball. as soon as she could, she started playing basketball at her school, at Bethlehem. She wasn't the best player, but she was good and some nights she was on fire. She was particularly good at making 3 point shots. we remained close, with a most special bond, long after her peers had tired of their parents. Cassi and I were still friends. We shared so many tastes...in music, in movies, in humor. It was like I had trained a best friend.
in her senior year, when things started getting bad, I just tried to reassure her things would get better. Academically she was still on top, and was a valedictorian of her graduating class. I say one, because there were actually 3 valedictorians...3 girls with exactly the same gPA's, so they shared. She got scholarships for college due to her hard work. The summer before college was really when she started getting sick, but there were good times that summer too. Her friends were in and out of the house all the time, and despite their ages, they still PLAYED...it was awesome...someone would have a crazy idea, and they would just do it. I must cherish those memories and not let them be overshadowed by the dark times.
while she was in college her circumstances changed from time to time, but I think she was more stable. she got to move out of her tiny dorm room into a campus apartment. a friend from home, kayla baker moved to Pensacola to go to school and her parents bought her a house there. for a long time, cassi spent most of her time with kayla. I know they had a falling out at the end, but again, there were many more good times I refuse to let the darkness cover.
when she graduated from college with her Bachelor's degree she got an apartment with 2 friends and a job. She complained about her roommates, but deep down she loved them and they loved her. she complained about her job, but she had made some amazing friends there that have been a huge support system for me throughout this ordeal. She had happy times with her roommates and happy times at work.
she and Hayley were always on-again off-again. I got to the point that I knew I just had to wait it out when they broke up, because they always ended up back together. she loved Hayley, and I believe every other relationship she tried to pursue was merely to distract her from the pain of not being with Hayley. if she had survived, they probably would have gotten back together, or maybe, as I had hoped, become true friends without all the drama.
when this nightmare started, 30 days ago. both steve and I had loving and supportive friends that we called immediately and they responded immediately. they accompanied us to Pensacola that terrible sunday. neither of us were capable of driving, but the most important thing they provided was moral support. My sister and her partner Becky met us at the hospital. each time I saw a familiar face I was comforted a bit. I was in deep denial and just felt the more support I had the easier it would be to get the whole misunderstanding straightened out. But there was a tiny nagging feeling that what people were saying was true, so I hedged my bets. When steve told me to give my medication to Ashley, I gave her a bottle containing just a few Xanax. I had a full bottle, a new prescription, that I hid in my bra, just in case.
lori took charge at the hospital. nothing was really accomplished, but she was there for me. someone suspected I was hiding something, and she made me give up my Xanax... I guess it wasn't my time thought I dearly wanted it to be. my in-laws were a tremendous help over the next few days. I loved them already, but now, the only way I could love them more is if they could give me cassi back. My relationship with my mother has been restored, when I needed her the most she was there for me, and I let her be there for me. I am closer to my sister than ever before and we are helping each other find our way. I had a few weeks worth of leave time built up at work, so I can relax and not have to worry about a paycheck for a while. I have my dogs. my dogs...my furry angels...who we can't spoil enough because nothing we do for them can equal the amount of love and joy they bring us. I have cassi to thank for that too, as Apollo was a birthday present she requested for her 15th birthday. of course, he became my dog, and I was able to rescue chloe 2 years later because it was known I had a Pomeranian and would love another one.
I have steve. he has been my rock. we share a bond now that no parents should ever have to share, but we are determined to do it together. We brought cassi into the world together, and we had to say goodbye to her together. there was only one cassi leann churchwell in the world, and only 2 people who had the honor of being her parents. He is patient and gentle with me. he stayed home from work with me until I insisted he go back, because I knew it was what he really needed and wanted to do. but if I get in a bad way, I can all him and he in here within 5 minutes. no judgement, only concern. I think he is grateful that I need him, I have never been this fragile and I am certainly grateful to have him. we have loving friends and family, we never knew how much we were loved.
so...despite suffering the worst, and I mean the absolute worst thing a human being, a parent, can suffer, I still have much to be grateful for. I'm not totally clear on this, I'm not clear on much of anything these days, but I believe somewhere in gratitude is where I will find peace. maybe a little at a time, here and there. changing my perception, even for just a few minutes a day and reminding myself that I am very, very blessed
Replies
4 years since I lost my son andd I still remember those days. The memories, the pain. Hoping it was bed time as morning began. I found this site not sure where I would be without these moms who read and would not have made it alone with out this group. They cri Ed with me, sent me loving message, showed me some hope. I still have my moments sometimes and cry it takes small baby steps. One second, one min at a time. Hardest road to travel..I know I had friends that wanted me to be who I was before. I knew I would always be who I am now after my heart was shattered that DEC NIGHT. Take care of you. You experienced something most can not understand nor would we wish this pain on anyone. Just know grieving is a process and this road is a difficult one and you can come here and share as we know your pain. Hugs to you..Sandi
That was a beautiful journal. The loos of our kids is so hard, I thought I was going out of my mine. I use xanax to,, Panic,anxiety, the loss of Roz. it just causes such a deep dispare. And we are all differant. Your daughter sounds like a pretty good kid. Bless your special angel. hugs Mary Ann.
Please be kind to yourself...we were all at one time or another where you find yourself now...if I can survive it so can you....I have no memory of the first year by the grace of God I made it through...second is a little clearer. you are now in the hardest fight of your life...just to make it through a day when you are so positive you won\'t. I remember there were days when the biggest thing I did was get out of bed and make it to the couch for the rest of the day. One of the things that did save me was my part time job. I had somewhere I had to be a few hours a week and there I could pretend everything was ok - even though deep down I knew it wasn\'t. But that is what I had to do to survive. There were times I would just go to the backroom and cry. You will take baby steps forward only to be knocked back to square 1 sometimes -1. But you will get up and start all over again. It won\'t be easy, you will never be the same person you once were, you will find a new way to be in this new existence you are now in. Just take it slow...baby steps...I am here for you in anyway I can. No one can understand what you are going through unless they have lost a child and we do understand. Remember we are all SOTH ( Sister Of The Heart). Hugging you close...Ann
Thank you ladies so much. I read a quote by Elisabeth Kubler Ross that took my breath away and I have to figure out a way to share it.
\"Even as you are an unwilling character in your loss, you know that your loss will be easier for you to bear than the suffering was for your loved one. That is real love.\"
I am so grateful my precious child is not suffering anymore. If the price for her Peace is my grief then that is the price I will pay.
What an inspirational journal...I know it is so hard...but you are making it one day at a time. And that is how you do this...take gentle care...love and hugs...Karen
Yes our children suffer no more and for that I am grateful. One day at a time, or one minute whichever is more helpful on any particular day. Hugs, Kathy
You are reframing and seeing things through a lens of hope and that is always such a welcomed gift. It is so very difficult to see anything that feels remotely good or kind during these first days, week and month, yet you are taking the time to do just that and it is healing. I can feel it...
Move into your sorrow as you are and rest in these amazing moments too of being surrounded by so many who love you and Cassi and know that these times are so very real too as you are.
Cassi lived her life and had many special moments woven within it and the pain of her disease because I do believe that depression is a disease just as addiction is was just too much to bear. She is able to do now what she could not before because she is at peace, healed and whole. I feel this way about my Douglas and it brings me comfort because watching him suffer at the hands of addiction, an insidious monster that he could not conquer and tried so hard to daily was \"killing\" each of us slowly with him.
Thinking of you as you move about your day and know that you are doing your grief work and give yourself some pauses when they come. It\'s exhausting work, yet what each of us must do in our own way and in our time.
Loving care my friend and I appreciated reading about your Cassi and about you and your village of support and love.
XO Joanie
Reading this through tears...and with great love and appreciation for you sharing Cassi so openly with us.
Thank you!
The roller coaster ride is far from over, but you are and you will continue to ride the ups and downs with a little more ease day by day.
I especially love the quote you shared with us. Our children are no longer suffering but at peace, which is worth anything we may go through. Thank you for sharing this gem with us today.
Going through the years with you as Cassi was growing up was so touching.
Share her as often as you want.....we care & we are growing to love her as well. Hugs of comfort.....Vicki