Personality

I always thought (and still think) that I have no personality. I don't have one thing that I'm good at, instead I'm mediocre at a spectrum of things. When I was 14 I started to build my personality around mental health. Mostly because, when I saw a friend group at school that had depression and anxiety, they were always so real with people and nice to them. They had deep and complex personalities, I wanted to be part of their group. I never had solid friends throughout elementary school or middle school, I always felt like I was on the chopping block, like I would be left behind if I wasn't interesting. I felt included when I was with them, but I wasn't mentally ill. I did have lots of emotional baggage from my parents' divorce, which was later amplified through depression and anxiety. I found this whole community behind mental illness that is so beautiful and caring, I just wanted to be a part of it. I don't know how it happened but I became very depressed around 15 and it's as bad as it's ever been. But the problem is, I'm scared to get help, because who am I when I'm not sad? All I have is my mental illness. It's the only things that makes me interesting. This is probably sick and twisted but it's true. I still invalidate my feelings and what I go through because I always tell myself I'm a manipulating bitch that just wants attention. I feel so alone and fake, I feel like a lie.