Personal accountability
Today I examine my part in my life today, how it became the struggle it is. And what I can do about that. We are never upset for the reason we think. It is usually, for me, about avoiding taking personal responsibility for what I feel or want. I become discouraged or anxious that I might fail. Like that's a bad thing after what I've been through divorcing a sociopath. I landed on my feet, have marched forward, but I want to dance now. I feel free and acknowledge that I created that freedom for myself and children through hard effort, courage, and perseverance. And yet I want more. Is that wrong? Is that indication of my inability to be happy with what I have? I really don't think so. Unless I've blinded myself, I think for the first time in such a long while, I'm feeling the urgings of my own potential, prodding me forward to reconsider, examine, and take a stab at something new. I have no idea what exactly but inklings that it has to do with my dream of writing. Many want to write a novel. Or a book that gives relief or tips on how to live well. I'm not even sure what my book is about, if it's fiction or non-fiction, or even if it is about writing a book. Workbook maybe, guide with structured lessons? Many women have asked me to write a book about leaving a sociopath because I was successful, at least by some standards. I lost everything; my retirement and college kid's fund are gone, hidden in his "secret" bank account. No furniture, slept on camping pads for 18 months. Pathetic. Lost all kinds of weight because I didn't have enough food to feed my kids. Yet, within 2.5 years, and another if you count the year of separation which I totally do count, i sit now in a moderate but comfortable townhouse that houses my kids comfortably enough. It's furnished so we all have beds. What a luxury. My business builds and we are happy; happy to be free and happy to make choices in our lives that work for us rather than those imposed or controlled. So just letting you all know that I'm noticing, with your support, I am feeling something warm inside, building, and creative. Yet still out of touch of what it is. I am just listening, best I can to my heart and letting it speak freely. For so long it was shut down, afraid to speak it's dreams. Best as I can tell, my voice may be returning and I for one am most curious about what it has to say now. Thanks again for all your amazing support.
Replies
For a long time I thought about turning my hand-written journals into a self-help book for anyone who found themselves in the same sucky situation I had back in 2005. Believe me, it would be a best seller if I wrote it as a novel! And my attorney had even said \"Hurry up and write it so someone will make a mini-series out of it. I want Candace Bergen to play me!\" I had to laugh, but she DID remind me a lot of Candace Bergen. But I never got around to writing it; instead, I have offered parts of my story as the Wisdom of My Experience here on DS. But you never know. I have been keeping a journal since 1974 and still have ALL OF THEM! My life has been a bit of a wild ride at times -- wouldn\'t have it any other way, really, and I have lived to tell about it!
I have all my journals. I was on another divorce site and didn\'t know the owner. He sent me a message and said he liked what I was writing. I\'ve been told I should write a book. I don\'t think so but it wouldn\'t be dull.
My life was only boring up until I was 17. The divorce got so stupid on the ex\'s part that I laughed through most of it (after I cried away all the tears). I had copies of all the emails he sent his other wife while I was trying to get my procedure as he called the divorce. Like CowgirlKathi my life hasn\'t been dull. I\'m just now beginning to realize that my life was anything but normal.
I was very successful at leaving a diagnosed Narcissist that was good at hiding what he is. Without counting this farm I now own I received more than half of the assets in our marriage. I had the pleasure of listening as a judge politely reamed the ex a new one in our second contempt hearing. By the time the third one came around the ex wanted to know what would make me happy.
My personal accountability was and is I can sometimes be too trusting. It took the ex many years to really let me see what he was into. I had no support, no job and two children. I\'ve learned to listen to what my gut is telling me.. That gut instinct worked well for me until I met the ex. It is back and worked well during the divorce and helps me on this farm too.