Perhaps a Step Forward While Reliving Last Year
Dear Fred:
I am sorry to ignore you so badly. However, as a journal I suppose you grow to expect that. Once again, I would like to direct my thoughts to Nick. He had been on my mind heavily yesterday and today. Thanks for understanding, Fred.
Dear Nick:
I had an unusually good 1 1/2 weeks. Not a lot of tears and I even had some energy. I almost felt like myself... almost. It was a good reprieve. There have been a couple of positive steps I've taken that accounted for the upswing. I think you would approve of them both. Here they are.
(1) I accepted Tamara's request that I become the Volunteer Coordinator for for Hands of Hope Hospice and Home Care. I know hope much having their Health Care Nurse visit you helped your mental and emotional needs. This is a way I can help repay what they did for us while you were still with me.
Both Tamara and I agree I am not anywhere near strong enough emotionally to actually go in to the homes of those who are terminally ill. It would remind me so much of your suffering I would be a useless puddle of tears. As the Volunteer Coordinator I would be overseeing the volunteer process, making sure background and medical checks were completed and then assist in assigning the volunteer to a patient. I would then do a monthly follow up with each volunteer to see how they are doing. Once a quarter Tamara and I would host a volunteer appreciation lunch or dinner.
Tamara says their volunteer program is really hurting because no one has had time to actually be the coordinator. They have not wanted to train anyone until now. I am not sure if this is just another example of their kindness (to give me something meaningful to do) or if they really need me to do this. Either way I will give it my best shot.
(2) Four months after you died I tried to find any support group for widows and widowers in our area. The only thing I found was a dating site that really turned my cold. Shortly after I met Tamara I mentioned the idea to her that the area could use a social support group where widows & widowers could safely meet and socialize with others who were grieving without the problem of dating... just a safe group to have coffee with, work on a community service projects together , help each other out on home projects or just be there for someone who needs some emotional support. She thought it was a great idea. She has sent out invitations to a few people she feels would be good charter members. Our first meeting is set for the 22nd. IF this can relly get going I will feel I have then made a true difference to our community for the good. This is important to me because I have felt so guilty that you died instead of me. You had so very much to share with people. I don't hold a candle to your intelligence and all the knowledge you still had to share. So, if this group helps anyone who is hurting, perhaps I will have made a tiny contribution in my own small way. It also is important to me because I know you would be so proud of me for getting something like this off the ground in our area.
These 2 things put me on a euphoric high for a bit. It felt good even though I must say things still felt hollow and flat. Yesterday the euphoria began to drain away and the lonliness and all the horrid memories started to return.
I have been having repeated dreams of you & I being together. You are alive in these dreams, but you are dying all over again. I usually wake up in the morning much more tired than when I went to bed. In my dreams I am either always trying to get you better help so you won't die or else trying to figure out how I am meant to live without you. In the dreams you are with me and are always so sad.
The feeling of this total sadmess has followed me all day long today. Today the vivid flashback of the actual moment you died has replayed itself over and over again. I am right there beside you, touching you as you took & exhaled that last little breath and then laid so still. I can still feel when the life energy or spirit left your precious body. I can still feel the anguish and the realization that this was a "forever". Oh, how I wanted for someone in the cosmos to correct this horrid mistake. I relive that horrid panicked feeling that somehow someway I had to get someone to correct this. But, I could not and you were gone.
This time last year you were so desperately hurting. Each day I watched you die just a little bit more even though the pain was increasing. Each day I say you grow weaker until you had no strength to even sit up on your own. I know how this hurt you as before the cancer returned you would do a 20 mile hike in a day and be back home in time for dinner. I watched you do your best to feebly try to walk with your quad-cane while I supported you on the other side. I watched as the demon, "cancer", stole your hope, your strength, your future and your life. Cancer took everything from you except your courage and dignity. You died with those qualities still with you.
I watched as the doctors ignored your needs in spite of my calls and then demands for help. The oncologist never was there for you when you needed him. He paid no attention to you until you nearly bled to death in his office. He remarked "I've never seen anything like that before." My comment to him was, "That's only because you would not listen to me or pay attention." Still, he didn't care. When you were admitted to the hospital for the final time he never once came to see you. I know you are a forgiving person and would tell me not to get angry. But, I am angry. You deserved so much better treatment. I am so sorry the medical profession let you down in so many different areas.
So you see, I am trying to go forward with life but it is difficult while the past still haunts me even when I sleep. I am sure I am not the only one to experience this and I know I must keep trying. My goal is to be even half as courageous as you were against all odds.
I love you Nick and miss you.
2/14/2012 Darlene
I am sorry to ignore you so badly. However, as a journal I suppose you grow to expect that. Once again, I would like to direct my thoughts to Nick. He had been on my mind heavily yesterday and today. Thanks for understanding, Fred.
Dear Nick:
I had an unusually good 1 1/2 weeks. Not a lot of tears and I even had some energy. I almost felt like myself... almost. It was a good reprieve. There have been a couple of positive steps I've taken that accounted for the upswing. I think you would approve of them both. Here they are.
(1) I accepted Tamara's request that I become the Volunteer Coordinator for for Hands of Hope Hospice and Home Care. I know hope much having their Health Care Nurse visit you helped your mental and emotional needs. This is a way I can help repay what they did for us while you were still with me.
Both Tamara and I agree I am not anywhere near strong enough emotionally to actually go in to the homes of those who are terminally ill. It would remind me so much of your suffering I would be a useless puddle of tears. As the Volunteer Coordinator I would be overseeing the volunteer process, making sure background and medical checks were completed and then assist in assigning the volunteer to a patient. I would then do a monthly follow up with each volunteer to see how they are doing. Once a quarter Tamara and I would host a volunteer appreciation lunch or dinner.
Tamara says their volunteer program is really hurting because no one has had time to actually be the coordinator. They have not wanted to train anyone until now. I am not sure if this is just another example of their kindness (to give me something meaningful to do) or if they really need me to do this. Either way I will give it my best shot.
(2) Four months after you died I tried to find any support group for widows and widowers in our area. The only thing I found was a dating site that really turned my cold. Shortly after I met Tamara I mentioned the idea to her that the area could use a social support group where widows & widowers could safely meet and socialize with others who were grieving without the problem of dating... just a safe group to have coffee with, work on a community service projects together , help each other out on home projects or just be there for someone who needs some emotional support. She thought it was a great idea. She has sent out invitations to a few people she feels would be good charter members. Our first meeting is set for the 22nd. IF this can relly get going I will feel I have then made a true difference to our community for the good. This is important to me because I have felt so guilty that you died instead of me. You had so very much to share with people. I don't hold a candle to your intelligence and all the knowledge you still had to share. So, if this group helps anyone who is hurting, perhaps I will have made a tiny contribution in my own small way. It also is important to me because I know you would be so proud of me for getting something like this off the ground in our area.
These 2 things put me on a euphoric high for a bit. It felt good even though I must say things still felt hollow and flat. Yesterday the euphoria began to drain away and the lonliness and all the horrid memories started to return.
I have been having repeated dreams of you & I being together. You are alive in these dreams, but you are dying all over again. I usually wake up in the morning much more tired than when I went to bed. In my dreams I am either always trying to get you better help so you won't die or else trying to figure out how I am meant to live without you. In the dreams you are with me and are always so sad.
The feeling of this total sadmess has followed me all day long today. Today the vivid flashback of the actual moment you died has replayed itself over and over again. I am right there beside you, touching you as you took & exhaled that last little breath and then laid so still. I can still feel when the life energy or spirit left your precious body. I can still feel the anguish and the realization that this was a "forever". Oh, how I wanted for someone in the cosmos to correct this horrid mistake. I relive that horrid panicked feeling that somehow someway I had to get someone to correct this. But, I could not and you were gone.
This time last year you were so desperately hurting. Each day I watched you die just a little bit more even though the pain was increasing. Each day I say you grow weaker until you had no strength to even sit up on your own. I know how this hurt you as before the cancer returned you would do a 20 mile hike in a day and be back home in time for dinner. I watched you do your best to feebly try to walk with your quad-cane while I supported you on the other side. I watched as the demon, "cancer", stole your hope, your strength, your future and your life. Cancer took everything from you except your courage and dignity. You died with those qualities still with you.
I watched as the doctors ignored your needs in spite of my calls and then demands for help. The oncologist never was there for you when you needed him. He paid no attention to you until you nearly bled to death in his office. He remarked "I've never seen anything like that before." My comment to him was, "That's only because you would not listen to me or pay attention." Still, he didn't care. When you were admitted to the hospital for the final time he never once came to see you. I know you are a forgiving person and would tell me not to get angry. But, I am angry. You deserved so much better treatment. I am so sorry the medical profession let you down in so many different areas.
So you see, I am trying to go forward with life but it is difficult while the past still haunts me even when I sleep. I am sure I am not the only one to experience this and I know I must keep trying. My goal is to be even half as courageous as you were against all odds.
I love you Nick and miss you.
2/14/2012 Darlene
Replies
Darlene, What you are doing in your neck of the woods is just OUTSTANDING, and Nick I KNOW I so very very very proud of his Darlene. And Darlene YOU ARE INTELLIGENT. and Nick knows that. You gought SO HARD for him through his entire illness, and knew MORE than the DOCTORS about what was going on. If it hadn\'t been FOR YOU he would have been gone much much sooner and deep down you know that and so DOES NICK.
the dreams I have had too. Seeing Greg in the hospital bed, and had many vsiions i could not turn off during the day as well. I don\'t have that as often, and am coming to peace with I did all I could. SO DID YOU my friend. SO DID YOU.
Keep up to date on the goings on of the new group! it willl be wonderful and YOU will have made that happen for people to have aplace to come, be listened to and UNDERSTOOD. that is just OUTSTANDING my friend, and along with Nick, I am so very proud to call yu friend. Diane
Darlene, I think what you are doing or going to do it great. What a HUGE STEP and I am sure it will be very rewarding to you and those that you help. I too am from a small town and their is no support group here. I don\'t think I am ready to start one but maybe in time..........Nick is so very proud of you .....hugs
Your entry brings tears to my eyes...I understand completely. I, too, feel the doctors (at least the initial one) not only didn\'t help but actually hurt my beloved. He, too, was so strong but then went so very quickly, from me helping him to the bathroom, then to the commode by the hospital bed in our home, to finally me helping him with a urinal in the bed...How horrible for him...it breaks my heart. However, you have to believe (and I am trying myself) that we did what we could...and they are at peace now and no longer in pain. I think they are proud of us and love us forever, just as we them...
Darlene,
I read your journal and I prayed about what I am going to tell you. First I am proud of you going to work to help the ill.
Your dreams are what concern me and your anger and unforgiving the doctors is what has me compelled to write this to you.
I want to tell you about my Carmelo and what happened to him, concerning his doctor, the hospital and the nursing home he was temporarily at.
When I found out about my sister\'s passing, I was almost five hours away from Carmelo, because I was in the town where he his transplant hospital was. He had sent me to look for real estate to find a home closer to the hospital.
He was in our home town hospital at the time, he was very ill but he was still talking and very communicative.
While I was barely there, my youngest sister passed away in Calif, I had to immediately fly out to help with her service and be there for family members (besides attend her service).
My Carmelo was at the hospital still and told me to go. I was so torn because his birthday would be in a couple days, he still wanted me to go.
When I was in Calif the city hospital released him and because I was not home, they sent him to a nursing home.
I was ok with that because the nurse who would come to our home worked there. She was also one of my neighbors.
I did not realize she was off for a week because he was in the hospital, so we had not talked in weeks.
I called to talk tell Carmelo happy birthday and he did not talk to me on the phone. I had just talked to him the night before and so I was wondering if he was mad at me for leaving. I asked to talk to the attendants and they said he just does not want to talk. I talked to the nurse on duty and they told me he was just tired. I could not understand and I told them to send him back to the city hospital.
I was going through such deep grief with my family for my sister and I truly thought they had sent him back to the city hospital, so I was not letting myself be concerned too much about him because the mourning with my family was taking all my attention and it was fierce.
Once I returned to be with him, I found out the nursing home never did send him to the hospital, not till I flew back to Texas and started to drive the five hours home, did my neighbor who was a nurse, call me and told me she would like to go over the doctor and have permission from the family to put Carmelo back in the hospital. I cried What??? I thought he was in the hospital, I told them to put him in the hospital. Why didn\'t they? They said the doctor did not feel he needed to go. What??? Yes by all means put him in the hospital! Why didn\'t you tell me this? She said, I was off for a week and had no idea Carmelo was admitted till I came back and Judy he is unresponsive, he needs to be in the hospital.
I drove the rest of way worried sick about Carmelo and when I arrived at the hospital, I asked the desk what room and I asked the doctors what is wrong?
They were mean and said this to me as if I was the one who did it \"What is wrong???? He is dehydrated for five days! I was so upset, I told them I was not with him, he was with the nursing home and that I had just come back from my sister\'s funeral and showed them the program that my other sister made for her memorial. I carried that with me for months.
When I finally saw him, he was in a coma state and he had a bloody mouth, His front teeth were missing!
I cried because I left him with people who either punched him or let him fall and not bother tell me or send him to the hospital.
I cried because the doctor he had in town was so uncaring and let him stay dying in that nursing home.
The last cruel thing that doctor did was transfer my Carmelo to the transplant hospital but the wrong one and he was missing for 6 hours, till we finally found him in the county hospital.
I was angry and not forgiving and because I was, I was feeling depression so deeply and fear too.
Once I realized, I was giving into fear and anger and gave my unforgiveness to God, saying God the me can not forgive but please put the You in me, so I can forgive. It was like I felt like the heaviness was lifted and I felt love.
I am now able to tell you that the dreams you are experiencing are the deep anger of unforgiveness showing your loving mans death over and over again.
Do not let that fear and anger over take your spirit.
Know that Fred may of died a horrible death but Christ has overcame that and Nick will be immortal in a beautiful strong body and when that day comes you will see him so magnificent.
I am so sorry this was so long but I felt I needed to tell you this,
Hugs,
Judy