People just don't get it...
Even though I talked to my family, they're just not getting it. I didn't want to get together and go out to eat Sunday, I was having a bad day and just wanted to stay home and lose myself in my Art. For some reason it helps... Greg was also very talented and we would some times do things together, so I feel close to him when I paint. But my family decided to stop by anyways, my husband was working. I again told them I wasn't into it, then my Mom and Sister say, you need to move on, you need to let him go...
I was in disbelief, let him go? It's only been not even 3 months, how does one just let go? I was angry, I was, well all kinds of feelings. I just started crying and asked them to understand and to please leave. I felt bad at first, and know they think they're trying to help?
So I went to my grief class last night, even though most there have all lost spouses, I still drew from their comfort and understanding. I was not alone and was able to tell the group how I was feeling and this wonderful new friend named Shirley, just sat next to me and held my hand and listened, that's all I wanted. Feeling better today and trying understand again that some people just don't know what to say. I will once again try to talk to them but in my heart know that they mean well.
Hope you all have a WONDERFUL day, I've opened my windows and letting the fresh air in and going to paint and smile and know Gregor is with me as you all are too.
LOVE ya'll...
I was in disbelief, let him go? It's only been not even 3 months, how does one just let go? I was angry, I was, well all kinds of feelings. I just started crying and asked them to understand and to please leave. I felt bad at first, and know they think they're trying to help?
So I went to my grief class last night, even though most there have all lost spouses, I still drew from their comfort and understanding. I was not alone and was able to tell the group how I was feeling and this wonderful new friend named Shirley, just sat next to me and held my hand and listened, that's all I wanted. Feeling better today and trying understand again that some people just don't know what to say. I will once again try to talk to them but in my heart know that they mean well.
Hope you all have a WONDERFUL day, I've opened my windows and letting the fresh air in and going to paint and smile and know Gregor is with me as you all are too.
LOVE ya'll...
Replies
\"Well meaning\" comments hurt too....and sadly, it\'s usually family who hurt us the worst. I know they mean well, never want to do or say hurtful things.....our society simply isn\'t educated in grief. We live in this fast food era, this race to the finish line of success, this \"just think happy and you\'ll be happy\"....and though I\'m a STRONG believer in positive energy and positive attitude, I believe just as strongly in honesty. There is no \"speeding\" through grief....there are no shortcuts or quick fixes. This is hard, exhausting, depleting work!
When you lose a child it devastates you and changes your entire world! It leaves you angry, lost, confused, depressed, exhausted, numb and out of control. And it doesn\'t \"go away\" in a few months...or a few years! And I will NEVER \"move on\" or \"let her go\" as this statement suggests. I have and will continue to learn to live with the pain of not having Kala physically here....as you are learning and will continue to learn. But that has NOTHING to do with letting go of our children and shame on anyone who thinks it\'s even possible!
You may want to consider writing a letter to your family. That way you can take your time, read and reread it, make sure it says what you truly need to say, and then send it. A letter is a great way to say what you need to say without being rushed or having to hear the defensive replies which do nothing to valid YOU, but try to valid THEIR opinion.
I truly wish there was an easy way to educate people on grief. It\'s SO unfair that we, the grieving moms, are given this task on top of trying to survive the passing of our precious children. But, alas, it falls on our shoulders time and time again...
I\'m at the point where I am comfortable enough...and just pissy enough....to say, \"tell me that after YOU bury YOUR child, until then, just take my word that as a grieving mother those comments do not help me heal, they only hurt me further\".
I\'m glad Shirley was able to understand your need to just have someone sit, listen, hold your hand, and care. That is the gift we need, the help we need from others.
Ahhhhh, open windows to allow a fresh breeze to gently move through the house while doing something from the heart, like painting and talking to Greg....nothing better for soothing the soul!
Love you my friend!
Love to Greg!
Thank you... I\'m so blessed to have found you all. I don\'t want to move on, i know in time I will start to heal and I know Greg isn\'t hurting any more. Even though he was hurting so badly and suffered for years and I wasn\'t able to help him I will never forget him and will some day learn to live without him. I will also start that letter, THANK you...
I think you family loves you so much and they feel helpless because they don\'t know what to do...they want you to heal quickly but don\'t realize that grief cannot be rushed and everyone has to do it at their own pace. Every grieving parent is different and grieves differently. I think you would be much better getting lost in your art which you love rather than be with family and trying to put up a good front. 3 months is a really short time yet...it took me years for the pain in my heart to lessen. We will all be with you on Sunday...TIGHT (((HUGS))) AND LOVE, Connie
Thank you Connie. I know Sunday is going to be hard for all of us... I know my family loves me, I guess they\'re just not use to me not being me. I was the \'fun\' one, always smiling, taking pics, making memories, planning family events. Even got my parents and sister back together after not speaking for over 13 years. I was always the one \'they\' could all count on. I just don\'t want to be that person right now. But as I say, baby steps... and so GLAD i have you all.
Oh family,,, the ones you would think would or could understand,,, they are the ones who don\'t get it.. I keep my distance,,, I prefer to be with our small group of friends and my knitting!! enjoy your art,, write that letter like Teri suggested,,,, love to you my friend,,
For me I have had to put on the back burner others comments because I know they mean \"well\" and just are at a loss as to how to connect with me. If what they say takes me out of my grief and puts the focus on them then I know I need to step back and allow them the grace of fumbling around and they need to allow me all the wiggle room that I need to heal at my own pace in my own time. It hurts, I know and I\'m sorry.
Our society is not educated at all on loss and how to embrace it and those who are living in it. I think we are meant to become those educators with how we respond and teach.
Grateful that you have this creative outlet of painting and that you can immerse yourself in it.
Loving care to you as you grieve and honor your dear Gregor.
XO Joanie
Grieving takes so much energy! I am so glad you found Shirley to lean on. I am also glad you found this site.
(((((Hugs)))))
Leda