People Helping Others
I learned this last week that really no one knows how to comfort others when they have lost someone to death. I think they try. We just have not learned how. For instants
I am on Face Book. My Grandkids, my son's wife , me had posted about being just 4 months now. And I felt that there were a lot of responses that do not comfort.
For Instant"
1. As long as you have him in your heart, he will never be gone.. Trouble I find with this response is: but physically he is gone, I can't reach out, touch him, call him.
2. It gets better in time. Trouble I find with this is: I don't think it gets better in time, I think like the poem says : "It just changes faces"
3. I can't believe it's been only 4 months but I have been praying for you: Well, this one lets you know that they have not thought of it at all. But nice to get prayers.
4. Sending a sad poem I recieved: A poem about a child dying of cancer,,I just received this from a close friend. Something I did not need at this time.
5. Bringing up Scriptures: Wanting to share the Bible on Heaven. I am still trying to figure out what my life belief system is or was.
6. I have this great book for you to read about death: For some books help, but for me, I can't seem to read right now.
7. End of the service for your loved one. Your left along, to deal with it, and there is very little follow up.
Words used: Juts get Over It" or "oh that person didn't mean that" "you know they are out of pain now", yes but our pain just began.
Programs/Classes; Did you learn before you loss how to help someone else. I didn't
Death Happen: I think Death is something that we run from in our minds, hid it in our minds. We do not know how to help others in those times in the days and months ahead, because we don't want to face death ourselves.
An example I did myself. A wonderful young lady around 45 died last year in July, she had cancer, and finally her body gave up the fight. I myself knowing my son had cancer I said to her mom "I'm sorry, I sorta know what your going through" I found out later when I lost Kenny in Dec last year, I went back to her and said "I am so sorry, but at the time I had no ideal what you were going through" She smiled, and cried and shook her head and said gently "I Know".
I have known people who have turned from God when death happen, a child dies, and I truly believe that some of it is by what is said to you during your deepest grief. Don't get me wrong, I know Ken's in Heaven, and out of pain. But I think everyone of us here dealing with the loss of our child would do anything to have them back.
So my thoughts are: Maybe we should be taught in classes, how do you support someone when they have had a loss. Then maybe it would help people to understand grief.
These are just my thoughts. I know most are trying to and think they are helping, because through they years that is how it has been done. Maybe someday I should just step up to the plate and have classes on it myself.
My last thoughts on how to help: Just listen, Just let me cry, Hold me, Take about my loved one, they were alive. The biggest thing I feel for me is having people like the ones here on DS. I am here for you and when you need to talk or cry, they just listen.
May each of you find peace today, or a close friend, or family, that gives you what you need during this forever time of changing faces grief.
Sandi
I am on Face Book. My Grandkids, my son's wife , me had posted about being just 4 months now. And I felt that there were a lot of responses that do not comfort.
For Instant"
1. As long as you have him in your heart, he will never be gone.. Trouble I find with this response is: but physically he is gone, I can't reach out, touch him, call him.
2. It gets better in time. Trouble I find with this is: I don't think it gets better in time, I think like the poem says : "It just changes faces"
3. I can't believe it's been only 4 months but I have been praying for you: Well, this one lets you know that they have not thought of it at all. But nice to get prayers.
4. Sending a sad poem I recieved: A poem about a child dying of cancer,,I just received this from a close friend. Something I did not need at this time.
5. Bringing up Scriptures: Wanting to share the Bible on Heaven. I am still trying to figure out what my life belief system is or was.
6. I have this great book for you to read about death: For some books help, but for me, I can't seem to read right now.
7. End of the service for your loved one. Your left along, to deal with it, and there is very little follow up.
Words used: Juts get Over It" or "oh that person didn't mean that" "you know they are out of pain now", yes but our pain just began.
Programs/Classes; Did you learn before you loss how to help someone else. I didn't
Death Happen: I think Death is something that we run from in our minds, hid it in our minds. We do not know how to help others in those times in the days and months ahead, because we don't want to face death ourselves.
An example I did myself. A wonderful young lady around 45 died last year in July, she had cancer, and finally her body gave up the fight. I myself knowing my son had cancer I said to her mom "I'm sorry, I sorta know what your going through" I found out later when I lost Kenny in Dec last year, I went back to her and said "I am so sorry, but at the time I had no ideal what you were going through" She smiled, and cried and shook her head and said gently "I Know".
I have known people who have turned from God when death happen, a child dies, and I truly believe that some of it is by what is said to you during your deepest grief. Don't get me wrong, I know Ken's in Heaven, and out of pain. But I think everyone of us here dealing with the loss of our child would do anything to have them back.
So my thoughts are: Maybe we should be taught in classes, how do you support someone when they have had a loss. Then maybe it would help people to understand grief.
These are just my thoughts. I know most are trying to and think they are helping, because through they years that is how it has been done. Maybe someday I should just step up to the plate and have classes on it myself.
My last thoughts on how to help: Just listen, Just let me cry, Hold me, Take about my loved one, they were alive. The biggest thing I feel for me is having people like the ones here on DS. I am here for you and when you need to talk or cry, they just listen.
May each of you find peace today, or a close friend, or family, that gives you what you need during this forever time of changing faces grief.
Sandi
Replies
When I lost Chad, I resented the people, who acted like nothing happened. Who being afraid, they might say the wrong thing, said nothing. None of us know, what a person goes through, unless we truly walk, in their shoes. May we all learn, how to comfort, without offending. Peace and hugs, to you and the ability to forgive, when people who don\'t understand,say stupid things.
My favorite things are when people just give me a warm hug and mostly when they actually say Jeremy and Mikes names. Love the journal...thanks for sharing with us. Peace to you, Valerie
Thanks for sharing those thoughts. This is all so true. Sometimes for me, one of the most hurtful things is the person who is afraid to talk about them to you. I want to talk about them. I want to hear their names.... Hugs to you, Love, Kim
I really think we FMO moms should get together and write a book. HOW TO TREAT GRIEVING PEOPLE. You are so right, we don\'t get taught this anywhere in life. Jeff has been gone 3 years now and I still don\'t know how to deal with someone else\'s loss. My boss has a baby in ICU right now and I just don\'t know how to deal with him. I texted that I am praying for him. What else is there, really. Love & hugs,Colleen
I think between us all we could write a book. Thanks for sharing, Pat
Hi Sandi,
Even for me it is hard to \' comfort \" people that have lost a loved one. What words could we possibly say and silence is not always golded , sometimes it is plain uncomfortable.
I no longer have any expectations from society . I pretty much know, for the most part, they are doing the best that they can and it may not be what I need or want but the mere fact that they made an effort for me goes a long way.
I had a boss that after 8 month thought I should be \"cured\" and going on with my life...I was shocked cause she was an educated nurse and she was clueless. At the time it really had an affect on me and now I put it in the folder of \" stupid people\" and I really will not let them dictate the kind of day I am going to have.
Hugs, Inga