People Helping Others
I learned this last week that really no one knows how to comfort others when they have lost someone to death. I think they try. We just have not learned how. For instants
I am on Face Book. My Grandkids, my son's wife , me had posted about being just 4 months now. And I felt that there were a lot of responses that do not comfort.
For Instant"
1. As long as you have him in your heart, he will never be gone.. Trouble I find with this response is: but physically he is gone, I can't reach out, touch him, call him.
2. It gets better in time. Trouble I find with this is: I don't think it gets better in time, I think like the poem says : "It just changes faces"
3. I can't believe it's been only 4 months but I have been praying for you: Well, this one lets you know that they have not thought of it at all. But nice to get prayers.
4. Sending a sad poem I recieved: A poem about a child dying of cancer,,I just received this from a close friend. Something I did not need at this time.
5. Bringing up Scriptures: Wanting to share the Bible on Heaven. I am still trying to figure out what my life belief system is or was.
6. I have this great book for you to read about death: For some books help, but for me, I can't seem to read right now.
7. End of the service for your loved one. Your left along, to deal with it, and there is very little follow up.
Words used: Juts get Over It" or "oh that person didn't mean that" "you know they are out of pain now", yes but our pain just began.
Programs/Classes; Did you learn before you loss how to help someone else. I didn't
Death Happen: I think Death is something that we run from in our minds, hid it in our minds. We do not know how to help others in those times in the days and months ahead, because we don't want to face death ourselves.
An example I did myself. A wonderful young lady around 45 died last year in July, she had cancer, and finally her body gave up the fight. I myself knowing my son had cancer I said to her mom "I'm sorry, I sorta know what your going through" I found out later when I lost Kenny in Dec last year, I went back to her and said "I am so sorry, but at the time I had no ideal what you were going through" She smiled, and cried and shook her head and said gently "I Know".
I have known people who have turned from God when death happen, a child dies, and I truly believe that some of it is by what is said to you during your deepest grief. Don't get me wrong, I know Ken's in Heaven, and out of pain. But I think everyone of us here dealing with the loss of our child would do anything to have them back.
So my thoughts are: Maybe we should be taught in classes, how do you support someone when they have had a loss. Then maybe it would help people to understand grief.
These are just my thoughts. I know most are trying to and think they are helping, because through they years that is how it has been done. Maybe someday I should just step up to the plate and have classes on it myself.
My last thoughts on how to help: Just listen, Just let me cry, Hold me, Take about my loved one, they were alive. The biggest thing I feel for me is having people like the ones here on DS. I am here for you and when you need to talk or cry, they just listen.
May each of you find peace today, or a close friend, or family, that gives you what you need during this forever time of changing faces grief.
Sandi
I am on Face Book. My Grandkids, my son's wife , me had posted about being just 4 months now. And I felt that there were a lot of responses that do not comfort.
For Instant"
1. As long as you have him in your heart, he will never be gone.. Trouble I find with this response is: but physically he is gone, I can't reach out, touch him, call him.
2. It gets better in time. Trouble I find with this is: I don't think it gets better in time, I think like the poem says : "It just changes faces"
3. I can't believe it's been only 4 months but I have been praying for you: Well, this one lets you know that they have not thought of it at all. But nice to get prayers.
4. Sending a sad poem I recieved: A poem about a child dying of cancer,,I just received this from a close friend. Something I did not need at this time.
5. Bringing up Scriptures: Wanting to share the Bible on Heaven. I am still trying to figure out what my life belief system is or was.
6. I have this great book for you to read about death: For some books help, but for me, I can't seem to read right now.
7. End of the service for your loved one. Your left along, to deal with it, and there is very little follow up.
Words used: Juts get Over It" or "oh that person didn't mean that" "you know they are out of pain now", yes but our pain just began.
Programs/Classes; Did you learn before you loss how to help someone else. I didn't
Death Happen: I think Death is something that we run from in our minds, hid it in our minds. We do not know how to help others in those times in the days and months ahead, because we don't want to face death ourselves.
An example I did myself. A wonderful young lady around 45 died last year in July, she had cancer, and finally her body gave up the fight. I myself knowing my son had cancer I said to her mom "I'm sorry, I sorta know what your going through" I found out later when I lost Kenny in Dec last year, I went back to her and said "I am so sorry, but at the time I had no ideal what you were going through" She smiled, and cried and shook her head and said gently "I Know".
I have known people who have turned from God when death happen, a child dies, and I truly believe that some of it is by what is said to you during your deepest grief. Don't get me wrong, I know Ken's in Heaven, and out of pain. But I think everyone of us here dealing with the loss of our child would do anything to have them back.
So my thoughts are: Maybe we should be taught in classes, how do you support someone when they have had a loss. Then maybe it would help people to understand grief.
These are just my thoughts. I know most are trying to and think they are helping, because through they years that is how it has been done. Maybe someday I should just step up to the plate and have classes on it myself.
My last thoughts on how to help: Just listen, Just let me cry, Hold me, Take about my loved one, they were alive. The biggest thing I feel for me is having people like the ones here on DS. I am here for you and when you need to talk or cry, they just listen.
May each of you find peace today, or a close friend, or family, that gives you what you need during this forever time of changing faces grief.
Sandi
Replies
Sandi, I know just what you mean and just how you feel. It is amazing what people say. I know that I did not comfort people well before this happened to me. I never knew what to say or how to help people who were grieving. Now, just like you, I know that hugging, crying with me, and talking about Greg are about the best things anyone can do. Especially talking about Greg. I think I was taught that you should not bring up the person who died because it is too sad for the grieving person and that just couldn\'t be farther from the truth....No matter what part of grief I am in, I want to talk about Greg and hear what other people remember about him and the stories they have about him...you are right...we do not know how to deal with death in this society....isn\'t that amazing seeing as death is part of life for all of us? Thanks for posting this entry...I know that we have all experienced this. Oh, one more thing. Now that some time has gone by since Greg died, I feel like some people treat me differently than a normal person...I feel like they only see me as a mother who lost her child and they have to be in the comfort, taking-care of me mode all the time. That is getting kind of old....it is like I have a big sign on me that I have to be treated differently because I lost Greg. I wonder if that changes or if some people always are going to treat me that way?? Anyway...I am with you on this....Love and Peace to you. Anne
Living is so difficult after the loss of our children. We try to look for answers and understanding. We want our babies back. We will never get the answers or understanding we need or our babies back. We are empty. Those around us as you said don\'t know what to say to us. I try not to be hard on others when they try to say kind words. They don\'t fully understand and many we say they can never imagine the loss. Still they try to offer some kind of comfort. They are doing the best they know how. I never am critical of what is said because again, they just don\'t know what to say. I appreciate the fact that they offer something. Certainly these people are not constantly thinking of us. They are not living the deep loss and can\'t imagine. We shouldn\'t expect most people to take away our pain. This bulk of this pain sits on our shoulders. We must work it out in our own way and our own time frame. All of us know the struggle and we all wish we could rush each mom through the process to a place of peace. I wish I could help you. I wish I could help myself. I have been back to Michigan only four days to the place my son loved. I went to the water edge and cried because he will never be at this precious spot again. The summer concert series is posted. O.A.R. will be here this year. How can one of his favorite bands be right down the street this summer? How can his friends be putting their boats in the water looking forward to fun sun filled days? Everything here reminds me of him but as hard as it is I try to remember how lucky I had such a wonderful child. It really doesn\'t help but I have to try to attempt to move along. Now Mother\'s Day is near and I have not child, no grandchild. What do I do on this day? I have to honor this day in another way. I need to direct my action to something or someone else. I must dig out of the pain. How unfair life was to our families.
There were so many times I was hurt by what someone said, or didn\'t say after Chris died. I couldn\'t believe that on top of my profound grief, I was left to process more pain. I learned that this is a most personal journey and to take what I need and leave the rest. Very early on I joined a mom\'s group with hospice, I loved the moms there but the facilitator was just horrible. I couldn\'t believe this woman was a grief counselor, and she had lost a child.
There is no doubt that the concept and reality of death are taboo. To us here at FMO it is all too real. Thank you for sharing your heart. I hope today can offer what you need to find comfort.
love and light, Rebecca
Sandi ~
You have said it all. We have all heard those words and felt exactly what you say. The one that I hated the most was \"take comfort in your memories\". What the hell! \"Take comfort in your memories\" when there will be no new memories?????
I couldn\'t read or focus on anything at all for about three months. Then I started to read. First I read \"The Grieving Garden ~ Living With the Death of a Child\" which is kind of like FMO in book form. Another book that is very simple is called \"When There Are No Words\". Please let me know if/when you would like me to send either of these to you.
We are always here to listen, to cry with you, to share stories of our precious children, and to say \"we understand\", and I send tight hugs and much love to you today ~ Debbie
Thank you for saying so many things that I have thought and are going through, you are so right. I know people are trying, you missed one that I\'m tired of hearing...I can\'t imagine what you are going through... they are right, they can\'t imagine, I do have close friends, they are great, but my friends here are the best. thanks for being my friend,,Peace ,,Nora
I am still in \"shock\" by what others say to \"comfort\".....but my heart does go out to people because before this tragedy of our son\'s death, I was on the end of trying to comfort others. It is an uncomfortable place to be and we as humans are flawed with even the best of intentions. I have even had people who I thought were friends to completely ignore us in our grief. Other told us it was because \"they didn\'t know what to say.\" I am sorry...but, really to say nothing at all hurts more...makes you wonder and question even in your shock. Shock lasts a while....maybe longer for others but for me it seemed a long while. I am just beginning to thank God for the son he gave me for nearly 30 years instead of blaming him for not \"being there.\" I try to think that YES! He was there....and death is not final.....life is forever.....but on my deepest mourning days, I will never understand it...and the question \"why\" is always on my mind. I do know this....WE ARE SUPER SENSITIVE in the throes of our personal sorrow. Little by little, this fog lifts and crying is not the first thing I do anymore. God has given me the peace that I have begged for because to constantly live in the horror of disbelief, for me...was unbearable. I have had to learn to trust Him....my faith has been sorely tested but as I told someone this morning....\"I have one more reason to be in Heaven.\" I am not afraid of dying and I never want to be detained here on earth for anybody or any reason. I want my Brandon....I thank Jesus for making that possible not only for the length of this life...but for ETERNITY......that is where I long to be and that is the comfort I find in any of this. I am hopeful and filled with that expectation of seeing my son in his wholeness on the day I go to Heaven. Meanwhile, while not every comment can be comforting, I have to say that I find myself trying to make others less uncomfortable by gladly accepting their sometimes awkward attempt to make me feel better or to at least let me know they care enough to say anything. I have come a long way to be able to say this. Much peace to you dear friend as you sort through these feelings that overwhelm and steal our lives....love, dale, brandon\'s mom
There is no cookbook on what to say in these situations. I feel that I do not know what I need to be said. I just know that I need them to talk about Chris to say his name, to not dismiss my sadness just because they do not know what to say. Sometimes it is just a gentle touch from a co-worker , a simple tulip from one of my students, whose Mom knew of my loss. We will be forever in a state of loss, our lives fractured our hearts broken. I do find that it with the love of my friends and family I am healing. It is a choose to how I respond, an effort to go forward. I do want to believe in the goodness of people that they want to help they just do not know how. Hugs to you my friend. Wendy
I have learned that a sincere hug is worth 1,000 words. And a note written on a card sharing a story or memory about your child--these were the most helpful to me. A coworker wrote a poem for me using some of the comments made by Tim\'s friends at his funeral and I will treasure that always. Some people really do understand how to truly comfort and I\'ve tried very hard to learn from them so I can be as comforting when the occasion arises.
It is funny though how reluctant people are to let you talk about your child--I try so hard to work in little stories about him when also talking about my other children. It feels so good to say his name and he was such an integral part of our lives. Thanks Sandi for bringing up the topic-it is something we all deal with and so helpful to hear everyones\' thoughts and experiences. Hugs to you, Diane
People are only doing their best to be kind. If you haven\'t lived this you have no idea how hard it is and how sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. Be kind to yourself and it will get better as you work at it, Hugs Cathy
i hear ya,.. if one more person tells me,.. itllget betr in tme,.... or your not ready yet... im gonna slap em,. i wish things were not as they are,.. im doin the best i can,,. wishing peace for you, Dear Sandi!, your friend, Dave
Chances are we were one of \"those\" people before our child died. Forgive them...they do not know what they are doing...and we hope they never will. Love, peace and hugs...Karen
I think You have echoed many of our thoughts and frustrations here today, Sandi. Even though Mike\'s death was an accident that was quite a surprise at the time it happened, in earlier yrs when he was first battling the pain of his medical condition and the addiction that followed, we knew death was a possibility.
At that point the term \'death\' was such an abstract idea-- it seemed like it would mean simply the end of his life--like a door shutting-- end of his pain and struggle-- (and I think this may well be what it means to many who who talk to us and offer sympathy.) I could not get my head around what real death would mean for my child -- or the real pain and agony we as a family would eventually endure when he would actually be gone from our lives forever--and we\'d never hear his voice, his laugh, his music-- never hug him again, never touch him--or get a goofy email, phone call or letter. And I honestly don\'t think most of the people who offer sympathy have ever really thought through just exactly what it is we must now endure, when death occurs. If they did, they probably wouldn\'t say the simplistic things they say. I think almost all of us admits to having done exactly the same thing to other grievers before we lost our own children, simply because we had no idea...
Well, Sandi, unfortunately, now we all know better. Like you, I\'d like to someday teach some kind of a grief class for bereaved parents in my town.
Again, Thank you for this honest, heartfelt entry. Love, Cherie
Thanks to all who read my journal. It seems we have lot in agreement. I guess this is part of our grief, Learning something we didn\'t know. The use to call growing now I call it pain.
Say their name, that is the nicest thing anyone can do. The rest is all just words. A journal reflecting all our thoughts. Very well written. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
You have spoken so many words that are true, people don\'t know what to say, so most of the time they say nothing and the more time goes by- the less they say. Yesterday I was having an extremely hard day and I should have not attempted to make it through church but I didn\'t want to give in to the grief, half way through services I had to leave out and sit in the other part of the building until services were over. Later when everyone was leaving , three people walked by me and asked \"how you doing, Charlene\" never stopping and really asking me how am I doing, it was a courtesy I could have done without, they were too uncomfortable to really listen to what I might have to say on this very difficult day. If only they knew that hurts more than if they had said nothing at all. Thank you for starting such a needed topic. Love, Mitchells mom