Peaceful Parting

My gf "broke up" with me a few days ago in order to reconnect with her Self. Even though I am in agony with heartbreak, I understand her need to do what's best for her. I also understand that she is heartbroken as well. This was a difficult decision for her to make.I am no stranger to heartbreak. I have two ex-husbands and an ex-wife to prove it. I have been through this many times before. And this time, in spite of my anguish, I have found peace. The first step I took was to allow myself to feel. After announcing her intentions, I cried so much I thought I might drown in my tears. Because she still loves me, she stayed with me that night and held my sobbing body as I mourned the loss of my lover. The next morning as I scurried about trying to get my children off to school, I was angry with this unexpected turn of events in my life and threw a temper tantrum. When she handed me the key to my apartment (which I had just given to her 2 weeks ago) I threw it across the house. I did not want this! I did not choose this! And I allowed myself to FEEL my anger in that moment. I realized a few minutes down the road that I had behaved badly  when Our Song came on the radio. I sent her a text- just the title of the song (It's No Good by Depeche Mode for the curious-types reading this). She replied with an invitation to coffee. We sat at our favorite beach and had coffee. I told her I understood her decision, but that I also had an emotional process to go through. Grief. Mourning. In spite of my desire to be there for her as a friend in her time of need, spasms of the heart are just a fact of life at times like these and I apologized for my poor behavior.We agreed that our friendship was too valuable to lose regardless of the of the outcome of our romantic relationship and I did not want my emotional outburst from earlier that morning to be the last memory she would have of me, to carry with her on her quest to reconnect with her Self. I envisioned myself sending my Beloved Knight out onto the battlefield- not knowing if she would ever return to me. To send her out with anger, anxiety and fear of the future would certainly compromise her strength and endurance- the qualities I rely upon to bring my Love back to me. I knew that for my sake, as much as hers, I needed to make the most of our last moments together as lovers and send her on her journey with love, compassion and support.I looked into her eyes and asked her, "Will you come home with me and make love to me one last time?" We made love. We talked. We laughed. We cried. We grieved together- holding each other close throughout the night. The following morning we procrastinated over coffee and ciggys but the inevitable time came for her to leave. I walked her to the door and we held each other tight, exchanging tearful kisses and whispering "I love you's" between sniffles. She placed her hand on my chest and I placed mine on hers as we always have as a means of connecting and feeling the love between us. I told her she carried a piece of my heart with her always then she placed  her hand over mine on her chest while looking into my eyes,  "Stay with me." I told her I will always be with her, then, "I will be here waiting for the day you come Home." As the words escaped my lips, I knew that what I spoke was truth- I could feel it in my bones. One day my Dearest Love will return to my open arms. I knew then that this was not "good-bye"; rather "see ya later, babe."I watched her walk out the door and down the hall. As she rounded the corner down the stairs, I hesitated to close the door half-expecting her to run back into my arms. She did not. I closed the door and braced myself against it, unable to turn the lock since she no longer had a key to let herself in. I crumpled against the door and drew in a deep breath.As I exhaled, I began to wail so loud the Banshee had to cover her ears. I allowed myself to FEEL the pain of the moment, because experience tells me the sooner I feel my emotions the sooner I can deal and heal. (It's the feel + deal= heal equation... I sound like the Richard Simmons of grief management). I stopped sobbing long enough to make it to the bathroom. I sat on the edge of my bathtub, smoking a cigarette and feeling lost when it dawned on me that my personal life could use some sprucing up. After all, if my Love returns to me all shiny and new, I would not want her to return to the dingy mess she left behind. I immediately went to work- investing my energies in myself and my home. Preparing the things I knew I would need to cope with my grief. I began to make art. Art is very therapeutic for me. I began to write as a means of expressing my pain in a positive way. I had lapses throughout the day where a box of Kleenex just wouldn't do, but they became fewer and further between as the day progressed.I received periodic texts from her throughout the day. Wonderful woman she is- she was more concerned with how I was doing not realizing each text scraped off my newly-formed scabs. She made up for it later in the evening when she asked me to meditate with her (from our independent locations almost 50 miles away) and send love and healing energies to each other. I swear I could feel her hand on my chest, just as it had been as we said "see ya later" that morning.Today is a new day. I miss her terribly. Everything I do reminds me of her. But instead of wallowing in my misery, I am choosing to put my energies towards positive and self-rewarding projects that promote happiness in my life. Self-improvement, home-improvement and creating art are my present focus. These things bring me peace and comfort in my time of sorrow.I have had many realizations and revelations in the past 24 hours, the most important being: I love her and respect her too much to hold her back from what she knows she has to do in order to better her life. I would never want to hold her back from seeking happiness within herself. To hold her back would be the polar opposite from the love I feel for her. My love for her will happily sacrafice my own happiness to ensure hers. Fortunately, I know that I do not have to sacrafice my happiness... I just have to be patient. If it is meant to be, it will be- when it is meant to be.
 
...and since I know it is... I'll be ready when the time is right!