peace

I was in touch with some truths about my life yesterday... I learned from my Stepmother and Father just by being with them.

I came home from their house and tried to reorient myself to my life.. It was a struggle, I felt like I was back there with them and that's ok - but I had to start to reorient myself to my life...It felt like I had to somehow reorient myself to that self validating headset in life. Dangerous to say perhaps is that it nearly felt like the keeping validated was in touch with like a sense of a kind of objectivity and pain in a way - My parents made me feel very much at peace but in a kind of role to the group - but then getting back to my life I realized and thought about that we all have to manage our lives and that complaining about life 'may be real' in a way - I don't know if that's altogether a fruitful way of dealing with my challenges in life...

I woke up this morning, showered, got dressed and drove myself to coffee. I was thinking about aspiring to spend my life at my friend's monastery - but I also realize I have to consider how that will affect my life pragmatically. Being a monk may have it's allure but it will leave me without resources and possibly a burden if I ever change my mind or become infirmed.

So as I drove to get coffee, I thought about how I have my individual nature in life - but also have to be responsible for it - a kind of dual aspect of our lives. I went and got coffee and came out. I felt like I was without grace in my life, just a bunch of gnarling grasping at keeping on top of things -...and I thought that is what I want in my life. A sense of grace and yet also

a sense of reassurance by way of me keeping on top of my responsibilities. I think I am probably not alone in this. I want even to say that "see since I am trying so hard and learning through observation, that I am not really sick anymore" but maybe that's not really true either. I do have this imbalance but maybe it's getting better because I am taking charge of things in some ways - perhaps I will always have the struggle. I don't know why i feel so invisible to myself unless it seems I am gnawing away at a kind of truth - I wish I could focus on someone else and not just me - I'll just keep it together as much as I can and have humility and perspective for who I am and keep an outlook with respect to that.

It strikes me that just the other day I wrote a post to you guys about "Have a Hard Time." I learned from that.. and maybe it all just comes and goes.