Peace

I was thinking today that I am dealing with my mom's death and leaving Geo in a great way, and that I might not be dealing with it internally. Then I was thinking that I dealt with my Nana's death the same way- I didn't cry that much, and even though I was close to her and loved her dearly. I kept thinking "It's going to hit me, it's going to hit me and I'm not ready" but it never really hurt that much. With my dad, it was really hard, and that's the standard that I use for dealing with someone's death. It's been 5 years now since my Nana died, and I'm still not as hurt as I was with my dad. I think about my Nana, and sometimes I want to call her since I feel I haven't talked to her in a while, but other than that I don't hurt. My mom, of course, should be different, but it's not that bad. I am sad that my mom is gone, and I miss her, but I'm not sure if it's "real" yet or not. I knew my mom was dying, and when I first found out that she was dying I cried and cried. Then, when I was there, she had a major stroke in front of me and she fell unconcious. Tracy put her in bed, and I was lying next to her and holding her hand, rubbing her head and telling her I loved her. To me, that's when she died. She lasted about 36 hours from that point, but I had made my peace. I cried when she passed, and kissed her goodbye. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Now I'm at peace with it. I don't know if I'm going to have a breakdown later, or if I've really dealt with it.

Same thing with Geo... I'm at peace with my decision. He kept asking me to give him another chance and I wanted to. I didn't tell him that I was giving him another chance, though. He used that chance yesterday. He drove me to my psych and we were outside the office in the parking lot, and there was no parking. So he was upset, and I asked him what he wanted to do. He said, "Go home". I told him he was overreacing, since we were already there and I just had to go into the office and get a piece of paper. It wouldn't take more than 3 minutes, so I told him to wait in the parking lot. He got upset and made a fuss, and then I got out of the car and went to get the letter. I was gone for just a little, and I look for Geo in the parking lot and I finally find him. He said (half joking) "How did you find me? I was hiding from you". But that was over, and we went to our therapist. Therapy went okay, and I talked about what happened that day. Later, the therapist asks Geo what he wants to work on, and he said his self-esteem- but he didn't mention his anger. That was chance #2. Then, we went to lunch and ran other errands. On the way home, there was traffic. He was on the phone with Heather the whole time, and I felt ignored and he knows that when he talks to her instead of me I feel that way. That was chance #3. Then, with the traffic, he got angry and was going from lane to lane, trying to get in the fastest lane. I am influenced by other people's emotions (and I was talking to the therapist that I need to work on that, alone) and I was upset by the time we got home and impatient with people on the phone. I pet Angela and started to feel better, but that was chance #4 for Geo. He totally blew it... There is no way I'm going to deal with this for the rest of my life. He said he is working on his anger, but he didn't mention it to the therapist and he was still really angry yesterday. It's just too much. So I'm at peace with leaving. After his anger incident, I booked my flight to LA (April 18th) and put the deposit for the movers. I'm leaving. I'm happy and at peace. Things are going great!

I also slept great last night. I listened to my sleep meditation video on YouTube and it took me a bit to fall asleep, but I did, and slept better than I have in decades! I took only 1 Trazadone (sleeping pill) instead of the 2 I have been taking (which is why it took me longer to fall asleep), and I feel great! I have been doing a mood journal, and because I've been so depressed for so many years (decades, too) I have been putting "mildly elevated" when I feel good. I think I feel what people call normal. I'm just so used to being down that I don't know what normal is like anymore. But I think I'm doing good, and I don't feel hypomanic. I just feel at peace, and good- despite everything going on. I'm just happy again!