Peace

I went downstairs and got an apple, cutting it into tiny slices for my bird.  He'll eat  half of it and the rest I'll eat.  Earlier I went shopping.  I went to the cheap store today, buying some items for my lemon drop cookies.  I'm trying out a new recipe today.  Can't wait.  I know they'll be good.  Anyhow, after I got back I decided to spend a few hours writing.  I'm working on a mystery.  With any luck I'll have it online in a few weeks, but it's going slowly. 
And now, I'm writing in this journal and thinking how peaceful it is.  Outside the sun is shinning and ducks and geese move easily across the water.  There is no arguing, no fighting, just silence and the knowledge that this is not a bad life.  Just a different life.
I have no worries.  I have only peace.
The other day someone asked me if I would ever marry again.  And I said no.  It's not that I can't find a mate.  It's just that I've dodged the bullet.  I've played Russian Roulette--meaning that I married two wonderful men in my life and I know the third one is going to be a nightmare.  I've seen plenty in my life, these nightmare men.  I've watched marriages crumble, but the couples stay together, fighting constantly, hating each other more and more. 
My first husband was a nice man married to the wrong woman:  Me.  I was young and frivoulus, thinking only of myself.  I look back at that time and feel sorry for him.  He wanted a marriage, but marriage scared me.  I'd seen too much.  I divorced him less than a year later.  It would take me another ten years to find the courage to remarry.
Enter my late husband.  We started as friends and never stopped being friends.  We married and divorced and married again.  By the time of the third marriage, I'd changed.  I was older, wiser, and I'd come to realize my fear of marriage was based on being raised around bad marriages.  I was so afraid of ending up like my mother, suffering and finding release only in death.  So my dear husband had to fight for me.  And fight he did, never giving up on us after countless rejections by me.
Our second marriage was the best.  I learned that marriage can be a good thing and that not every woman who marries have to end up like my mother or the various friends I watched suffer.  Now, my dear husband is gone, and the fears I had about marriage resurfaced.  To me marriage is taking a chance.  Marry the wrong man and your life is destroyed.  I watched my mother suffer because of the mistake she made at age 19.  I had two friends who were killed by their boyfriends because they wanted out of the relationship.  As a child I heard so many women wanting out, but with no financial means they had no choice but to stay.  These women were beaten physically and emotionally. 
Back in the 1950s and 60s there was no escape.  Even now it's not so easy.  You hear of men killing entire families over a woman leaving.  So, I'm afraid.  And I won't end up that way.
Now, I watch the geese float by outside my bedroom window.  I catch the scent of flowers--roses purchased days ago.   I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun and I think, Ahhhh peace.  How splendid.    
 

Replies

1Patriciann
1Patriciann

Oh the complications of life.

To be happy just being. That is a good start.

Simplify, simplify let go and simplify - works for me better than anything else has

((hugs))
:-) Patricia
verynewgow
verynewgow

Truhal,

It is very encouraging and even comforting to see how far you have traveled in a short amount of time. I\'m happy God has granted you the peace you asked him for.
DianeMTB
DianeMTB

I was married, divorced, common-in-law, widow and now dating. I would like to marry but it has to be to a very special man. Until that time, I will enjoy my dating life. My ex-husband was abusive, addictive, controlling, selfish man with mental problems. He was a real piece of work. I was blessed with the love of my life Smokey. Now, I am taking it one day at a time. I am not against marriage but it has to be to a real special man. I was blessed once with my soul mate. Do we have more than one soul mate in our lives? I don\'t know. My journey continues. From Diane B.