Paying for my stupidity
The title says it all. I've been incredibly foolish for months and now it's coming back to bite me.
The truth is I can't even explain why I've been such an idiot. I've been neglecting my health, barely taking my meds, drinking and more or less wasting away. And for what? A stupid denial phase?
Honestly I don't think I've ever gotten over being diagnosed bipolar. It's always been easier to just ignore it, to pretend that it's not a real issue. That way I don't have to deal with the rage I feel, all of the anger that never goes away.
I'm a smart woman, I realize that everyone has their own shit to deal with, obstacles to overcome and I know that I'm no exception, but that doesn't help relieve the feeling of being doomed from birth. How do you accept the fact that your life depends on medication, that you have to share private details of your life with doctors just so you can get medication?
It's not fair and humiliating.
My doctor is refusing to provide Lithium anymore, the only thing standing between me and insanity, because I didn't get blood work done. I couldn't afford the tests, so I just forgot about them. Then my life pretty much imploded and I stopped thinking about doctors and medication entirely. For months my supply has been dwindling away and I stupidly let it without thinking of the consequences. Now I have one dose left and the earliest my doctor will see me is the 30th, 15 days away.
I messed up, I know that, so why do I still feel so angry? I really don't have the right to be mad at anyone else for my own mistakes, but I furious. I'm angry at my doctors for being necessary, I'm angry at my parents for giving birth to me, I'm angry at the world because I have to live in it with a mental illness. Most of all I'm angry at myself for being what I am.
I just want to be normal, to be able to deal with all of life's bullshit without needing two pills to keep me from going crazy. I know that's unrealistic and that I have to face the facts. That's what I'm trying to do now, but it's a little late in the game.
So, unless I can convince my doctor otherwise or find help somewhere else, I get to spend the next two weeks slowly going out of my mind. Then I have to go see my doctor and explain myself and fuck, that just makes me more angry! I don't want to tell her about my personal life, because frankly I don't think it's any of her business. She just a regular doctor, not a shrink, but she's my only connection to treatment. I'm at her mercy until I can afford to see a psychiatrist.
All of this really makes me want to just give up. It's like waking up from a nightmare only to realize that reality is worse. The truly frustrating and depressing part is I'm responsible for it. I made my choices and walked right into this disaster.
The truth is I can't even explain why I've been such an idiot. I've been neglecting my health, barely taking my meds, drinking and more or less wasting away. And for what? A stupid denial phase?
Honestly I don't think I've ever gotten over being diagnosed bipolar. It's always been easier to just ignore it, to pretend that it's not a real issue. That way I don't have to deal with the rage I feel, all of the anger that never goes away.
I'm a smart woman, I realize that everyone has their own shit to deal with, obstacles to overcome and I know that I'm no exception, but that doesn't help relieve the feeling of being doomed from birth. How do you accept the fact that your life depends on medication, that you have to share private details of your life with doctors just so you can get medication?
It's not fair and humiliating.
My doctor is refusing to provide Lithium anymore, the only thing standing between me and insanity, because I didn't get blood work done. I couldn't afford the tests, so I just forgot about them. Then my life pretty much imploded and I stopped thinking about doctors and medication entirely. For months my supply has been dwindling away and I stupidly let it without thinking of the consequences. Now I have one dose left and the earliest my doctor will see me is the 30th, 15 days away.
I messed up, I know that, so why do I still feel so angry? I really don't have the right to be mad at anyone else for my own mistakes, but I furious. I'm angry at my doctors for being necessary, I'm angry at my parents for giving birth to me, I'm angry at the world because I have to live in it with a mental illness. Most of all I'm angry at myself for being what I am.
I just want to be normal, to be able to deal with all of life's bullshit without needing two pills to keep me from going crazy. I know that's unrealistic and that I have to face the facts. That's what I'm trying to do now, but it's a little late in the game.
So, unless I can convince my doctor otherwise or find help somewhere else, I get to spend the next two weeks slowly going out of my mind. Then I have to go see my doctor and explain myself and fuck, that just makes me more angry! I don't want to tell her about my personal life, because frankly I don't think it's any of her business. She just a regular doctor, not a shrink, but she's my only connection to treatment. I'm at her mercy until I can afford to see a psychiatrist.
All of this really makes me want to just give up. It's like waking up from a nightmare only to realize that reality is worse. The truly frustrating and depressing part is I'm responsible for it. I made my choices and walked right into this disaster.
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