Patron saint of mental illness

I am not ok. For the first time in my life, I can say that and have it be completely true. My head hasn't stopped spinning for days. My arms are sore and burning. My stomach is balled up in knots. This is not the way I want to live. No human being could ever stand living this way.
I'm not sure what it was that made me into who I am. Something made my mind collapse. I realized it immediately and it has yet to go away. For seven years I have been waiting for the day that it all goes away. The day that every drug I've ever taken suddenly comes into effect and cures me. But not anymore. I can't continue believing in hope when it never prevails.
I don't want to live and I don't want to die. Death is not an option right now. Financially, my death would be a huge burden on my family. There is no way they could afford a funeral and medical bills. They can hardly afford me when I'm breathing. If I continue living, It would also be a huge burden on my family. Honestly, I am the reason my family fell apart. I always instigate the fights and problems, every word that leaves my mouth and every action I make results in more problems. My medical bills alone have given us thousands of dollars in debt. It tears me apart to know that, no matter what I do, alive or dead, I will hurt my family.